| of fisherman's lamps
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bohemian
| stranger, | 1 |
you sat with me under the | 2 |
nipa hut | 3 |
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(watching the stars | 4 |
and hearing the cooing | 5 |
of the waves) | 6 |
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while both our hands | 7 |
did the talking | 8 |
| 9 |
without | 10 |
realizing that darkness had already | 11 |
eaten our shadows | 12 |
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our lips found | 13 |
each other’s consolation | 14 |
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in a sultry night where | 15 |
both our sweats are | 16 |
the only betweens | 17 |
of our skins. | 18 |
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(soft, ecstatic) | 19 |
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stranger, | 20 |
you tried to find my face | 21 |
by tracing the contours of | 22 |
what is left by shame | 23 |
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and we both panicked | 24 |
in the strangeness | 25 |
of hearing like drum rolls | 26 |
beneath our chest. | 27 |
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so you stand stranger | 28 |
and finished the last stick of | 29 |
your cigarette and seduced me | 30 |
for a dance. | 31 |
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and that was when the fisherman’s lamps | 32 |
| 33 |
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finally | 34 |
revealed your face. | 35 |
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edited, after a year in hiatus, hehehe |
2 Oct 05 |
Rated 8 (9.3) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9, 9
Inactive (3): 7, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(13 more poems by this author)
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Add A Comment:
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Comments:
i love whoever wrote this.
i'm hooked. no pun intended.
you get a 10 and get added to my stalking list.
— Lia
I agree, this is fantasic
— madderhatter
Wow, this is fantastic!
— claudia
hehe im touched.
— bohemian
get rid of lns 20-22 oohs and aahs sound good but read stupidly.
set free of parentheses lines 31-34 - it is a strong group of words, don't dampen it down with the parentheses. same with lns 4-6.
find a better format for your line breaks and spacing - just not so random (which is what it seems to be)
— cynthmala
No -- keep this exactly as is.
The spacing and format remind me of the unpredictability of waves.
L19 -- it's nothing. Go back and delete the space between those two stanzas and then add it again so that the site won't register it as a line. This is, of course, trivial and has nothing to do with the poem.
I *like* this, bohemian.
rxs
— unknown
yesyes
veryromanticwordy
a bit of tightening may benefit, if you're
into
that sort of thing.
some suggestions on this:
L4,6 the
L7 both
L16 both
well crafted scene...
— chuckles
Great Feel flow and atmosphere.
— larrylark
I have some difficulty with swaying poems
but I am more concerned with the words
and I find them quite lovely in here.
really nice poem and imagery,
=-)
— jenakajoffer
thank you jenakajoffer :)
— bohemian
Nice work, the story is universal yet told here in such a way that I can feel what you felt, though I've never been tehre myself. My only query would be to format l26 as you have the rest of the pome - it looks untidy and I think it could read better if you structured that line too.
Good work.
— wendz
im no poet, im no writer,
i write to secure my sanity
and reading these comments
let me flew out the cuckoo's nest.
so thank you.
— bohemian
very nice, stranger.
— unknown
wow, indeed a well crafted scene!
— unknown
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