| Where Sand Meets Sea
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DeathShards
| The Sun becomes an ember | 1 |
it's bright orange and flaming aura | 2 |
ignites my soul | 3 |
irradiates the calm blue ocean. | 4 |
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Cool, lively spindrift | 5 |
dampens my anger and sorrow | 6 |
as waves collide with yellow shores | 7 |
exploding into millions of droplets of ocean. | 8 |
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Waterlogged leaves | 9 |
decaying wood | 10 |
and clustering seaweed | 11 |
shadow the evening ocean. | 12 |
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Sigh. | 13 |
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Sea salt winds | 14 |
rustle palm tree leaves | 15 |
as the bright-lit Sun drowns in the ocean. | 16 |
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3 Oct 05 |
Rated 8 (7.2) by 2 users.
Active (2): 7, 9
Inactive (5): 3, 4, 6, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(32 more poems by this author)
(1 user considers this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
Thanks for the 10 but I could use some feedback.
— DeathShards
this reminds me of a short story i once wrote-- good, but.. a little bit cliche. you describe the things here wonderfully.. but not in a way that hasn't been done before.
not that it's a bad thing, yeah?
good on you.
midare
— midare
Oh nuts. Oh well. There's no such thing as originality in this world anymore anyway. Almost everything you think up has been done before.
Thanks for the comment though.
— DeathShards
i thought this was great. if it's anything like your story, midare, i think that your story would be great also.
brilliant poem, i don't know how you people do it. i can never write something so beautiful, i never have the inspiration. when i read a poem here i am usually counfounded about how you do it, how you can write such a great poem.
— Lia
Yay. Thanks Lia.
Lol. It usually takes me 5-6 scrapped poems before something like this comes up. You write good Lia. I love your poems.
— DeathShards
This has great imagary and feel for nature
— larrylark
Thanks. Yay. It made it into the recent best. Thanks guys ^^
— DeathShards
Revised! ^^ Is it better or worse?
— DeathShards
yes.
— noodleman
-.- You mean yes as in it's worse?
— DeathShards
this is amazing. i was captivated from beginning to end.
the first stanza just blows me away, i love it.
there is a nice graceful falling feeling to this poem, kind of like watching a leaf fall from a tree or something. very nice from beginning to end. awesome job.
— SweetPain
Thanks sweet. ^^
— DeathShards
i like the feelings in this, makes me want to do exactly that (we get a lot of ember sunsets here but alas no beach short of plane ride ... i miss the beach *sigh*)
— asklepios
nice.
— unknown
This is very well done with rich images.
— unknown
Thanks for the comments.
— DeathShards
The "it's" in line two is a contraction of "it is", not the possessive "its" that the context implies.
The images in the poem are pleasant, but they could use a bit of buffing up. For example, the commas in likes 9 and 10 add clutter to the verse. Line ends allow for natural pauses and often eliminate the need for commas.
I suggest removing the extra punctuation to allow for a more natural meter.
Overall, I would rate this poem a 6.
— unknown
Revised.
— DeathShards
A good picture - loads of elements present - pathetic fallacy going on - images well conceived and crafted, but I'd like it to say a bit more than the landscape echoes my mood - nevertheless it paints a vivid picture.
— opal
Contrived, however, there is a nice sense of unreality present that compensates. You need to see what others cannot in the landscape, make it your own.
— unknown
No comma is needed before but. If you're being cool is it a really boring cool that no one has heard of? can't say I've seen the appalling use of commas on the Paris Cat Walks, still, I'm just uneducated scum.
— unknown
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