Comments:
this is nice. i like the flowy feeling (that's what i noticed at least) of your description. maybe it needs more comments from others. i don't know if i'm of much help. (;
anywho, good jorb!
— ducktape
Good and simple.
— Isabelle5
bullshit
but pure bullshit
so
kudoes it is!!!
— unknown
Hi,
Here goes,
"Nighttime" - is forced, 'night' would be better, but I suspect you struggled for syllables. This leads me to think that more time and thought is needed, there are plenty of alternatives that would work and fit the required two syllables.
Ok, "shadows" so they dance - why? clouds? trees swaying in a breeze? people / animals on the move? Haiku needs to be simple, unexplained statements don't comply.
The second line doesn't fit, especially in this form of poetry, irony is a good tool but not suitable in this case. Having said that I do like the feel I get from the interaction of these lines, it's conjures an impish image of pixies frolicking in a forest!
I like the last line, on its own, and also with the intention of line 1, but considered as a whole, again there is a mismatch.
On this occasion I disagree with duck tape, there is no 'flow' rather the lines read as individual statements, the reader is forced to stop on each break, there is nothing with this, in fact one of the reasons haiku is so powerful is because of the stops, in most instances, however, the stop proceeds or follows a flowing pair, now I know you don't need guidance on the structure of the haiku form so I'm curious of the reasons for this experimentation.
Overall, I don't think this is on par with others you have posted - but it's still a worthy piece.
Thks
Hobby
— hobby
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