Comments:
no comments at all....?
— SweetPain
I hear your words, literal,
cutting criticism, stinging
feeling over comes
my eyes. I clench
my fists til nails
gauge skin.
— unknown
i like that, thanks so much unknown.
— SweetPain
anymore comments?
— SweetPain
I hate the honesty of "honest" friends. I wish you had another line or two at the end, "Excuse me while I go clean out my wounds from your honest hammer to the head and do you mind holding this knife in your back until I return?"
— Isabelle5
well well isabelle, you have just helped me a lot. i didnt think my last line was the strongest either, thanks a bunch for the help :D
— SweetPain
edited your edit lol, what do you think isabelle?
— SweetPain
Good! The knife bit isn't quite strong enough, though. You have to make it clear that you're the stabber, not the stabbee.
Rewriting is so much tougher than the original, isn't it? Nice going.
— Isabelle5
yah it is very hard to rewrite sometimes, but other times you just know its all wrong lol. i shall ponder that last line thanks, isabelle.
— SweetPain
gauge? you mean gouge? right?
— Grimmiae
Is it gauge? I thought your nails were judging (gauging) the depth or something, of your skin.
— Isabelle5
thanks for catching that guys
— SweetPain
this is is very honest, and kind of funny in a not-funny way. if that makes a shred of sense.
this has happened to me, probably to a lot of people...but i've never read it articulated like this. i just wander around in a pissy mood for awhile. never ocurred to me to write it down
maybe try a period instead of a comma in L2?
— alana
i think you MUST leave holding the knife alone.. DO not say "in your back". I'll tell you why i think this, then you decide:
As it stands, there is ambiguity in the sentence.. are you the back stabber or the stabbee?
I prefer to read it that you are asking the friend to hold off on back stabbing you just now, as they have already given you all the abuse you can handle. Or, that you are saying, DONT stab me in the back... just give me the rest of the abuse next time i see you, ('as hard as it is , i prefer to hear your criticism to my face').
However, Isabelle pointed put that it could be read the other way as well, that you are the back stabber, and you are announcing to your friend that you are going to do so. This doesnt make sense to me as much, because the notion of back-stabbing is that it is done covertly. Anyway, I see Isabelle's point.
And THAT, my friend, is the beauty here... That it can be read a multuitude of ways.
I really feel you should leave it OPEN to interpretation. So many people write trying to leave things open ended, and they fail bc thier writing is too esoteric, or to many things are alluded to without enough *clues* as what might be possible *correct * conclusions. But, you have suceeded where others can not.
THIS is a perfect example of show dont tell, you have done it well. If you alter it and make it specific, unable to be interpreted in any way other than what you write, you will lose a lot of what we call literary merit. You have, as writer, given enough info for a reader to extrapolate meaning, and make it subjective unto themselves...without making it TOO broad. *This is called objective writing. Leave it be.
this is one of the best things I have read here in days. Dont change it!!
/m
— 5foot3
wow thanks for the comments alana and 5foot3, im so flattered *blushes*. and come to think of it, i dont think i will change line 17, i actually see how the ambiguity of it could work for this poem. thanks for the help 5foot3.
— SweetPain
Well, if you're going to leave line 17, you have to help the reader by changing at least one word, don't you think?
Would you mind holding MY knife will leave the line but make it really clear that you are not a victim, you came with a weapon of your own.
— Isabelle5
What ever happened to the "critical" in poetry critical?
— unknown
Whatever do you mean???
— unknown
okie doke thanks isabelle.
...there is still critiscism everywhere in poetry critical, i dont know what your talking about unknown #1?
— SweetPain
I like this more and more. Nice write, nice revision. Interesting concept, too.
— Isabelle5
oh my god, you;ve ruined it. please put it back.
first, get rid of that "my"
second, erase that explanatory "but its only honesty " and a;so "the brutal smack you in the face kind"
It was clear before, and now you've gone and spelled it all out as if the reader is an idiot. WE got it, we understood what you meant, and we dont need it made so transparent. It seems so childish now to have it all laid out like this.
You had something so well said, just enough ambiguity, just enough allusion to meaning, its was great... and now, not so much.
PLEASE put it back.
— unknown
You can please some of the people all of the time, and all of the people some of the time but you can't please all of the people all of the time.
Your poem, your choice!
— Isabelle5
you know i still believe that line still holds ambiguity, that knife could be mine or meant for me..thanks for the comments unknown and isabelle
— SweetPain
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