| Death, Erotic Dreams & Neurotransmitters (revised)
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hobby
| Her perfume still scents my pillow. | 1 |
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From hand they fell, tumbled sub-terra | 2 |
and kissed her chest; white lilies. | 3 |
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Longing join her, I cede to the night. | 4 |
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You journey through my olfactory system | 5 |
and meet me somewhere in the temporal cortex, | 6 |
highly charged neurons tingle | 7 |
as they reach their action potential | 8 |
soma to axon I’m building to a frenzy, | 9 |
(thankful for my myelin sheath) | 10 |
until sweet synaptic release | 11 |
sends neurotransmitters flowing, | 12 |
and blood fills my corpora cavernosa | 13 |
my sympathetic nervous system is fully at work | 14 |
heart racing as my epididymis empties | 15 |
a static discharge | 16 |
and I soon return flaccid. | 17 |
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you are here with me | 18 |
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but it’s with damp skin and sheets amiss | 19 |
that I awake, to only your scent | 20 |
and a neurological short-circuit | 21 |
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9 Oct 05 |
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Hey!, I hate doing this - commenting first on my own posting (here comes the but) ... but any feedback on this one would much appreciated
— hobby
sensual, scientific and a bit sweaty. cool.
— Meep
..and a bit sweaty - ha ha very descriptive!
— hobby
I'm thinking of a change to the Title and opening to the poem:
Erotic Dreams & Neurotransmitters
her perfume still scents my pillow,
memories of white lilies
send me to the other side of day
I close me eyes
longing to join her
Any thoughts?
— hobby
the poem begina and ends very nicely. i have probs with the middle part.
i'm not sure why you begin in the frontal lobe. i would really start in the prestriate cortex or the parietal retrosplenial association cortex. these are gonna be the place where you assemble disparate sensory information about this woman. the frontal lobe's functions are more armorphous, and tend to be complementary as opposed to generative. stuff like fine motor skills, facial expressions, some emotional stuff to be sure, but it's kind of an odd place to start. sounds good, but not real accurate.
since you are reacting to perfume, you might want to start in the olfactory bulb or perhaps the gustatory pathways. don't forget the role of the thalamus.
highly charged neurons tingle down my dendrites
a neuron HAS dendrites (branches that recieve signals afferently). and axons (branches that send signals efferently) and soma (cell body; sometimes the cell body recieves stimulation too) but a neuron can't flow down an dendrite. an electrical or chemical gradient can, but not a neuron. a neuron is a cell. its like saying the sailboat sailed across the canoe.
set my endocrine system to work
an endocrine system isnt going to make you flaccid. at least not real quickly. that sort of smooth muscle reaction is usually due to serotonin reuptake phenomena; the endocrine system works with hormones and metabotropic messengers. these are slow and systemic as opposed to local and fast.
this is off the top of my head (no pun intended) so it isn't complete. you might want to do an hour or so of research and this could be both accurate and beautiful.
nice work.
— noodleman
Noodles, you are of course correct with your notes on neuron structure and endocrine system functions, an improved and technically accurate re-write will be forthcoming - thanks for your comments.
— hobby
thanks again for your comments noodleman - revised.
— hobby
Yes, I like this something a bit different than the usual loss of a love one or love poem – nice.
— unknown
Thanks!
— hobby
HAAAAA! 10 10 10 10 10 10 10 10
— noodleman
no one told me life was gonna be this way.. *yawn*
— Meep
moderate objection here to the poem's first speaking of "her", then
badda-boom, it is -I- who is in -your- olefactory "system". What's an olefactory "system", anyway? (mentioned to highlight this jar of logic).
"meet me somewhere in temporal cortex" would be a lot better with article "the".
The present form is an incomplete sentence, or a stilt: either or.
"thankful for my myelin -sheaths-", right?
Now that the penis is engorging, I'll backtrack for a moment:
"This morning my black rose kissed her chest".
I cannot help but think of kinky fetishistic sex. Scat. You don't want to project that notion, surely.
The finish strophe is quite good. Suggestion for improving the flow:
"but it's with damp skin, sheets awry
that I awake to only scents
of you and to a neurological
short circuit. "
---pretty good frame for the finished poem to come, if you choose to retouch.
thanks,
reid
— netskyIam
Netsky,
I guess I hadn’t fully considered the change from to ‘her’ to ‘I’ – it is a bit jarring – I’ll rethink it.
L7, no excuse an obvious error – corrected
Soma and Axon are both in the singular so myelin sheath must also be singular.
I have to say I am a perturbed by the fetish images this conjured – that was not the intention, I did want to convey a dark image that would lead the reader into the stranger pycho-biochemical stanza but didn’t think it would be interpreted as fetish – I’ll give it further consideration.
So some re-touching to come, in the meantime many thanks for your considered critique - it’s always appreciated.
Rgds
— hobby
hehe...i thinks its funny. who says fact n creativity cant mix? good job.
— witness
witness, terima kasi!
I noticed you are from Malaysia - I lived in Johor for a while, but have skipped over the (second) link and am now in Singapore. Thanks again for reading and I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Rgds
Hobby
— hobby
Ewww…science! A little too gross, and over eloquent for me…
— unknown
Ha ha yes, this is definitely not a poem that will be to everyone’s taste!
Thank you for reading and responding.
Rgds
Hobby
— hobby
Those that understand the tunnels of the mind may enjoy this poem. The rest, I am afraid, will have to wonder whether the poem brings enough to air to merit a research project, or just drop the poem as another man extending his hand beyond, going after an outside world. Those people living outside may welcome you, so that is of course your decision to make.
Now comes a more pressing matter. I enjoy the "three prong title" juxtaposing itself on the poem.
L 1. death
L. 2-5 Erotic Dreams
L. 6-16 Neurotransmitters
L. 17 Erotic Dreams
L. 18-20 Death
You did a satisfactory job of organization. But I fear your poem has little else, but this gimmick and a clever ending. Your neurotransmitter idea suggests a lack of dualism, perhaps an oversight on your part, as if to suggest the physical world is all that matters. Moreover, you are just tracing your thoughts through their physical veins. A more daring approach would be to trace the thoughts, images, that firm picture of your love, within your concious element. What you say is what any scientist could say, I can research it, and understand it. That is too easy. The conciousness is unmapped, and perhaps a stanza after the physical electiricty of "neurotransmitters" needs to exist, at least, to create tension within the speaker and audience between the body and the soul.
"you are here with me"
A line like this begs for replacement, in lue of dreams and neurotransmitters, don't you think this electricity can sound a bit more conflicted?
The final stanza seems to be where you wake to that realization of err. A good last stanza, I must say, but if you slightly increased the tension throughout the poem, this stanza could tear into space.
Mainly, you have a creative work here which is a very good start. I suggest you intiate ambiguity, not broad statements, but focused ambiguity to show the eclectic world of a mourning short circuit.
Short circuit is when a circuit is cut to a low resistance connection, leaving the rest of the circuit untended and useless.
If you create a mind/body conflict, the body could be institued as the shorted circuit leaving the mind (soul whatever) untended. It certainly would open this poem.
— pra3torian
pra3torian,
Your input is most appreciated, a fine example of why we post here.
Rgds
Hobby
— hobby
Hi,
The revision process is slow, but I thought I'd post a new opening to the poem which I am considering (posted above). Hopefully this will alleviate the fetish images that Reid referred to, although I'm still on the fence with the light vs dark intro to this poem.
Further revisions to the remainder are still 'work in progress', meanwhile any and all thoughts welcomed.
thanks
— hobby
so WEIRD that I love it so MUCH haha. <3
— ArtzAngel
thanks artzangel,
and some further revision
— hobby
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