poetry critical : poem

When I Hear About Me

Things get empty when I start to drink,	1
I fall further as I start to think,	2
things shouldn't be this way,	3
another shattered Saturday.	4

The remedies leave a hole in my pocket,	5
another photo in a tarnished locket,	6
and where does time fall to,	7
is there anything I can do?	8

The memoirs leave an evidence,	9
another thing trapped inside	10
that will never come out	11
the same way it came in.	12

The icing on the cake,	13
one more pathetic fake	14
and I bit it hook, line and sinker,	15
just another toy to tinker.	16

I put the hate in your coffee,	17
so you can wake up and misplace me,	18
another man you dreamed gone,	19
not even a memory, just another song.	20

13 Oct 05

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Comments:

I get the message and it is a worthy one. This feels very disjointed to me. You use rhyming couplets in effect in all but the 3rd stanza. Rhyme by itself doesn't make a good poem. You've no presence of cadence, or meter and that makes it awkward. You could maybe argue that the subject allows for the disjointedness but I think this goes too far. Break in meter can be an effective tool, but it should be the exception to be effective, in my opinion. In some areas you use assonance instead of a pure rhyme, which I personally don't have a problem with. In all but the highest forms of poetry I think English has to afford that "luxury" because the presence of true rhymes in English is far sparse than in the Romance based languages. I think you could rework this poem with some attention to meter and thythm and make it much better with very little effort on your part.
— Canuckster

Oh, my, I want this sung into my ear and then a long, lazy love making session.

Unless this was written by a girl, then I'll just take the song, thanks!
— unknown

I like the question in stanza two. It just seems to work.
— Hear

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