| I couldn't decide if I wanted you to read this
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misspanda
| and I'm standing on my porch alone again, | 1 |
and it's not like I care, | 2 |
or at least that's what I'll keep telling myself. | 3 |
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tonight | 4 |
oh, tonight | 5 |
you smelled so good. and your feel-better-see-you-tomorrow-best-friend hug, | 6 |
with your strong, tanned, muscled arms around my neck and my hands around your waist and our heads touching and your sweet nothings of gorgeous encouragements meaning nothing only because you don't love me | 7 |
anymore. | 8 |
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words and touches you'd rather be giving to the someone else who's there, after I was, | 9 |
before the sky fell, | 10 |
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before her. | 11 |
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16 Oct 05 |
Rated 8 (8) by 2 users.
Active (2): 7
Inactive (0): 9
(define the words in this poem)
(28 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
You change your audience, first you talk to her and then to the rest of us, in the last line? I am sorry you are heartbroken, you might want to revisit this poem when you are not so ... saddened. Maybe then you can make it tigher and find something to relate it to other than its own heavy mood. First three lines read a bit like cliche (I hate when I say that about other people's poetry, not meant in a discouraging way). Lines 4-7 - not bad actually, I like the choice of presentation, the breathless description of that scene. Work on the beginning and the ending and do not tell us all how sad you are, let us figure that one out for ourselves, more subtly. But I suppose sadness is not subtle ever.
Maria
— slancho
uhm... i'm a girl, so i'm not talking about another girl the whole first portion... and i'm really not switching audiences, i think you misunderstood, the last line is to the new girl thats in my place.
and i DO wish she wasn't so beautiful.
— misspanda
anyone else?
— misspanda
yes.... i can identify.
— unknown
line 9 - who exists, not that. Who because the pronoun is personal (and if anyone thinks this isn't right, let me know, okay? I might be wrong).
This is so sweet and sad. You don't really need the long spaces of white, although I can see that you're trying to convey silent space.
The title could use something. Maybe just Heartcries or Silent Heartcries or something?
— Isabelle5
gracias por su ayuda ;)
— misspanda
yeh! That last line. There's not a girl/woman alive who doesn't know all about that!
— graceinmtl
like the way you wrote this, the way one reads it. maybe not perfect originality, but i like it, for what it's worth.
— listen
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