poetry critical : poem

Burning House of Love

On a cloud of romantic ecstasy she floats	1
away,	2
away,	3
away	4
to a land of pink plaid polka dots and pretty little girly things.	5

Now blinded by her own ambition for	6
a love on grounds so intoxicatingly high	7
she forgets the important	8
practical	9
logical things about life.	10

Like turning off the iron.	11

16 Oct 05

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ashley87

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Comments:

lol
— Maxximmuss

thanks for commenting Maxximmuss
— unknown

Your first two stanzas distacted me by getting me to think this was going to be another adolescent pining-away-for-lost-love kind of thing.  As soon as you got me close enough & lowered my defenses, you stab me in the neck with the last line.  Cool!  Now pass me a band-aid.
— corvus

haha, how  bout a hug corvus?
lol thanks for the comment.
— SweetPain

no comments homies?
— SweetPain

I suggest changing L5 'pretty' to 'scented', thus tying in the last line.

Otherwise this is short and sweet, well done.

corvus, where'd your poems go dude?
— b00

thanks b00, but i think i will keep L5 as is. thanks for taking the time anyhow.
— SweetPain

A house of love built upon deception and unfaithfulness will soon tumble down.
            ;          &nbs p;          &nb sp;          &n bsp;          & nbsp;                       ;      Lamar Cole
— unknown

good insight.
— SweetPain

It's good, I like it, but in line five, "girly things" doesn't seem to fit.
— ashley87

suggestions ?
because, personally i dont find that to be a weak point in the poem.
thanks for taking the time though ashley87!
— SweetPain

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