| Memories from the trailer park 1-Dad 2 - rabbit
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fdostoev
| 1: Dad | 1 |
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The brown couch, | 2 |
on his side | 3 |
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knees bent slightly | 4 |
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forming a triangle | 5 |
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I inside the triangle, | 6 |
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tracing the deep | 7 |
groove between | 8 |
his hamstring | 9 |
and quadriceps. | 10 |
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2: Rabbit | 11 |
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Children gathered | 12 |
at the playground | 13 |
next to the pool | 14 |
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twisting slide | 15 |
swing set | 16 |
merry go round | 17 |
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some days | 18 |
the older boys | 19 |
declared | 20 |
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"Ray - but hunting" | 21 |
that's how they | 22 |
pronounced it | 23 |
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large rocks were | 24 |
gathered from under | 25 |
the bushes lining | 26 |
the pool | 27 |
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my small hand | 28 |
could not carry it | 29 |
well | 30 |
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and my arm was | 31 |
not accurate | 32 |
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on this day | 33 |
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Randy Halsrud | 34 |
got one | 35 |
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the rabbit ran | 36 |
fast | 37 |
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between Mr. Dougan | 38 |
and Mr's Richard's | 39 |
trailers | 40 |
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flush on the | 41 |
head with a | 42 |
purple rock | 43 |
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we gathered | 44 |
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he kicked | 45 |
himself in a | 46 |
circle - spinning | 47 |
on his head | 48 |
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Randy picked him | 49 |
up by the neck | 50 |
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held him high in the air | 51 |
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he looked very long | 52 |
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and red | 53 |
spilled | 54 |
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out of his | 55 |
mouth | 56 |
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Randy threw | 57 |
him against the | 58 |
tree in Mr. Dougan's | 59 |
yard | 60 |
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they laughed, | 61 |
moved on | 62 |
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his eye twitched | 63 |
back and forth | 64 |
very fast | 65 |
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the red stained | 66 |
his fur all over | 67 |
his mouth and on | 68 |
his left ear, | 69 |
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dark lines on the | 70 |
blades of grass | 71 |
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very | 72 |
warm to my | 73 |
hand | 74 |
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the skin, | 75 |
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loose | 76 |
on his body | 77 |
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like water, | 78 |
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moving easily | 79 |
with my fingers | 80 |
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back and forth | 81 |
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over his ribs. | 82 |
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17 Oct 05 |
Rated 7 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1): 7
Inactive (1): 9
(define the words in this poem)
(86 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
When does anyone throw paper into a urinal? More importantly, why?
— unknown
not very imaginative. subtract bifurcated and you got bupkis here kid.
— unknown
suggetsion: since you start with gerund forms of verbs (-ing) maybe see it through... releasing , bubbling, staring, bifurcated, tracing, imagining, building, laughing. I mean, it may cause some additional edits, but I think making this poem present tense would give it some added punch. It is always fun to tweak what we write, dont let the negative mongers get you down... you have an idea, work with it. Best of luck.
— 5foot3
5-3
thanks for reading,
and the comments...
Justin
— fdostoev
Oh, this is rather .. i dunno... not such a pleasant subject-- But, you handle it okay! I would suggest pulling your lines together, longer, and making several set stanzas.
— 5foot3
thx
— fdostoev
another good one...i am liking your style J...awful subject, but I like it.
— jenakajoffer
Again, the rabbit poem brings up a lot of memories for me - Randy was a very mean kid...you captured his character well.
— unknown
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