| I could be impressed by your popularity:
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b00
| How high you ride atop a sequin head-dress | 1 |
while I’m condemned among trampling | 2 |
sycophants queued like elephants; | 3 |
pink hose to grey arsehole. | 4 |
| 5 |
I could overlook truth in the vulgarity: | 6 |
| 7 |
missing mouth-wash kisses, thinking | 8 |
full-lips would instead be ripe with | 9 |
a taste unlike ‘Ice-Mint’, | 10 |
my marzipan girl. | 11 |
| 12 |
I could forgive that lack of delicacy: | 13 |
| 14 |
the way you roll regardless over us, | 15 |
as if these weren’t writing hearts | 16 |
you dance on in red stilettos, | 17 |
but kiddies marbles. | 18 |
| 19 |
I could forget acts of sympathy: | 20 |
| 21 |
crushed beneath that killer smile | 22 |
sweeping bodies to your feet | 23 |
as, with enervated empathy, | 24 |
I am Death in your eyes. | 25 |
| 26 |
I would surrender completely: | 27 |
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if surrender meant sleeping, | 28 |
and sleeping not dreaming | 29 |
but being alone with you; | 30 |
saved from popularity | 31 |
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I could be impressed by your popularity. | 32 |
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18 Oct 05 |
Rated 8.5 (9) by 4 users.
Active (4): 7, 8, 10
Inactive (3): 9, 9, 9, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(12 more poems by this author)
(2 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Add A Comment:
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Comments:
thanks for the ten
any comments
— b00
There are a lot of Is and You's which could be seen to weaken the poem. Great style.
— Meep
Question: shall I leave it as it is or complete the second stanza (it was just that I forget the rest of it while transcribing from memory...and this form seemed to work also). It was:
Missing those mouth-wash kisses, thinking
full-lips would instead be ripe and filled
with a taste unlike ‘Ice-Mint’,
my marzipan girl.
— b00
Is it a test?
— unknown
there, revised version
— b00
what killer smile?
— unknown
I have no comments except to say that this is lyrical and might need to be read outloud. Very nice.
— Isabelle5
I wrote a whole critique on this poem and then erased it. I didn't like my critique.
Here is what I have to say:
I like Marzipan, and I like how you used it in this poem.
I have a hard time following it, especially at the beginning. The large awkward words cause me to stumble.
— OKcomputer
I thought it flowed well, and the words aren' that difficult: dictionary's are allowed.
— b00
Yes, it was not the words themselves that caused me to stumble, (I'm not an idiot, I'm an artist -- sometimes it's hard to differentiate the two,) it's the syllibles within the large words. I was suggesting symplification in order to make it easier to understand and follow. Complications don't make good imagery and flow.
I realize that you're going for some kind of form. Maybe sacrifice that for the message.
— OKcomputer
On re-reading I can't see where the problem areas are: it flows fine in my mind.
If you want to be more specific I'll look into it further, otherwise I see no issue.
Thanks for the input.
— b00
I want to be someone's Marzipan Girl. This is really nice B00. I'll be back with more, I'm busy procrastinating.
— kitkat
I think the flow is good - I have no issues there at all, but the whole thing seems curiously flat and wordy, given the nature of the subject matter and the feeling behind it. The last two stanzas seem to suffer particularly 'sweeps bodies TO your feet' is syntactically weak - the final stanza is too convoluted, despite the attempt to break it down with punctuation. I think it's a good idea - I like the repeated lines, but I think it still needs a bit of work on the imagery and syntax.
— opal
it is curious that you find it flat - in my reading it has power at least.
L17 I used ' as it sweeps bodies TO your feet' because 'I' am crushed under the weight of past victims clinging to be near her (ref. to first stanza also), and also because it's a play on sweeping someone OFF their feet. That was the thought behind it anyway.
I accept that the final stanza draws-out just one idea, but that's to give the feeling of a passionate pledge of loyalty (to an indifferent, plastic socialite); the renunciation of everything known to be right just for a chance to be with this pretty bimbo. On the other hand its not a convoluted stanza; its a simple idea, one that I think expresses lust/love. It flows nicely (at least to me) and has depth with the internal rhyme - I don't think it's at all bad. I'm not overly fond of the last line though, I'd admit.
— b00
I changed the ending and edited some of the rest - hows it readin now?
— b00
Good.
— Ewan
look girl
ow many times do oi ave to say it: oi luv you to dayeth
please be moin
on every day cept valentoins
Rude Olph
— unknown
I'm finding I enjoy most of your work. ;D
— Aziel
great poem.
— onyx12098
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