| Tuesday's Stone Is A Secret Cell (Poem 422)
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starr
| I pay attention to sunlight, | 1 |
watch it ribbon in the tops | 2 |
of trees. | 3 |
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(Kisses are not the answer.) | 4 |
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I'm at war with the walls, | 5 |
watching winter's heavy branches freeze. | 6 |
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(Loving you is not the answer.) | 7 |
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Nothing's new but daylight. | 8 |
All that's due is respite | 9 |
inside the secret cell | 10 |
of your wanting knees~ | 11 |
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(Sharing a cigarette is kismet.) | 12 |
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23 Oct 05 |
Rated 8.5 (8.6) by 6 users.
Active (6): 8, 8, 10
Inactive (3): 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(123 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
yeh top poem, i dont mind that sorta stuff
— toby
Thankyou, Toby. I appreciate that!
— starr
This starts out slow as a slow burn in hell, then whacks one hard twixt the eyes in the fourth stanza. My advice is to kill the first stanza: begin in the second. The surpise then doesn't take as long to hit. Catch us there and take us through.
— alicedark
THANKyou SO MUCH for the compliment AND for the suggestion! I'm glad you liked it!
— starr
this is better than the other.
21: period inside the parens. or no period, like 13. pick one. otherwise i'll assume you're sloppy.
actually id like to see you kill 20 and 21. they seem rather nonsequitorial and more for effect than for closure. it seems as though you wanted to use the word kismet in a poem and thought you'd found a place to do so. what i'd like to see is a further exploration of what you're driving towards and more enunciation of the contrast between the physical and metaphysical that you seem to be reaching towards. cigs don't quite cut it for that.
i might also find a personificational or metaphorical use of winter and sun elucidating.
good start, starr.
-noodleman
— noodleman
i'm sorry, but for your age and all your publications, you really are not that good a poet.
— unknown
ah, just watched Constantine, kismet!! great style.
— unknown
I like the simplicity.
— Meep
I don't acctually understand the poem but in a way it does touch me (weird)
— unknown
I really enjoyed the style of this poem, it really expresses struggle and time spent on difficut emoitons. I find this hard to do in such a short piece, you write really well!
— Stellaella
Thankyou, Stellaella! What an awesome compliment! This poem was written over a year ago when I was STUCK in a relationship that was going nowhere fast and I was also STUCK in a one year lease with this person that I endured right through until the end being a man of truth and honor that I am. Freedom soon followed and life is much better these days. It was written on a Tuesday. I had the flu, got stoned out of my mind just to be able to deal and eventually everything worked out and we remained friends, thankfully. This was a very dark poem on written on a very dark day. I'm so glad the sun has been shining since then. God Bless you!
— starr
Learn how to write, Asshole.
— unknown
Thanks to the two unknowns for affirming that they have nothing better to do with themselves but to be anonymous disappointments to themselves, to their parents and to this writing community. Obviously it ain't weed, cuz stoners are nice people, so it's probably the alcohol you can't handle that brings out the muthafucka in u. Blame your parents 4 that, I guess. I don't know what else u want me 2 tell ya. They probably suck too. You get assholism from your parents cuz that's probably all they taught u. Look in the mirror and then throw a chair at it so the world'll feel better.
— starr
nice poem starr ,
Look in the mirror and then throw a chair at it so the world'll feel better.
Made me lol this morning ! thanks .
— sir_I_clan
Starr, thanks for an enjoyable read as have been most of your recent posts
Just a note a la Isabelle:
shouldn't it read "is" rather than "it"? "which is ribbon in the tops"
I see how sunlight would have to do with kisses, and perhaps the winter's frost evokes love because the latter somehow thaws, as it were, or has the potential to thaw coldenss (in the generic sense of the word). Am I reading this right or am I trying to make too many unnecessary connections?
I am not sure line 11 sticks with me very much - how is daylight new? Just because it comes every morning does not mean that it is any more new than the moonlight, or the winter's frost. I would almost want you to do away with this line and leep the stanzas to three lines.
secret cell of your wanting knees - hmm, that is interesting. If we are talking about cells here, as in prison cells, closed spaces, might you consider a different modifier for knees and one that would evoke better being locked, or unlocked?
Kismet - yes, the same in Bulgarian and I am so glad to see this word today, and I think a marvellous use of it here. It is one of those words, like bakshish, that speaks better in the original.
Thank you, Scott
Good writing
Maria
— slancho
Thanks backatcha, sir_I_clan. Glad that made u laugh. I can't stand idiots who write rude shit and then go anonymous. They all need to be put in check. I'm glad u liked this poem.
and Maria:
You creep inside my poems like a gentle breeze and every time you comment on one, I am whisked away to some enchanting vista. Thank you so much for your thoughts/suggestions, for being you. I delight in reading your posts to me and I'm so glad you like this poem too. Unfortunately, if I were to do away with L11, I'd be doing away with a year of entire darkness, which is what makes the daylight so new. Trust me on this one. All my love to you! Love, Starr
— starr
good poem starr
— stout
All props 2 U big dawg. U put your pen to the wind real well.
— Highwayman
ths is my kind of poetry line six is a belter - as we say here.
— philoanon
Thanks, philoanon again 4 the props. A belter, huh? I like that! Peaceout. :-)
— starr
Scots slang - tis a bonny wee natter. :)
— philoanon
this was a random,
it's very cool, starr.
=-)
— jenakajoffer
"kiss-met" or just well met? or just "good luck, see you"? nice in writing, but english is too harsh for the trees/freeze joining. it may just be that it's the rhythm messed up here, in trying to write a high-class poem. a simpler way of writing this would perhaps use the material in a more expressive way. but, what is it that you're trying to express here? it's a simple thing, and the final line is sweet.
"i pay attention to sunlight"... i think, here, you heard this musically, but the words are a lawyer's words. "i see the sun, watch it ribbon the tree tops -- kisses aren't the answer. i'm at war with the clouds, watching the the winter's freeze... loving you's not the answer. nothing but daylight: all that's due -- respite inside the secret cell of wanting kisses."
— joey
I love this! Excellent!
— tiedtoes
Thanks, tiedtoes. Very deep poem that reflects a very deep (dark) period in my life. This one will always be one of my personal favorites. Sometimes when we live, we write and sometimes when we write, we live. Take care. :-)
— starr
Well done! Kudos for your anguish. I almost didn't read this one because of the title, but I'm glad I did. Would you consider "on your wanting knees" in L11?
— grneyeddevil
I see exactly what you're saying, grneyeddevil and I thank you for your comments/suggestion. I went with "of your wanting knees" because it's more than sexual. The metaphor here is safety; a maternal connection of sorts in the new love that has been found. Also, this poem was written before this union ever happend, so I'm actually writing with great anticipation, though the action had yet to be carried out until five months later. I hope this makes sense and helps you to see what I'm saying/writing about. Thanks! :-)
— starr
Right on, Ija. I could only describe it; just couldn't put a name to it. :-) Thanks for the 4-1-1.
— starr
Good enough for me! It's beautiful the way it is. ; )
— grneyeddevil
Thanks 4 findin' it 2.B. beautiful. As dark as it was writing it, there was still that little spark of hope in there somewhere. :-) Lata...
— starr
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