| waiting in line for the haunted house
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psychedelico
| the air is bitter | 1 |
while the rain bears down | 2 |
in treads on our | 3 |
capped heads | 4 |
while we wait, huddled, | 5 |
in a line befitting forever. | 6 |
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my teeth chatter | 7 |
in beat with violent | 8 |
body shivers. | 9 |
"october's a little | 10 |
brisk this year, ain't it?" | 11 |
and i give you a glare | 12 |
indicating that dry humor | 13 |
will not dehydrate | 14 |
my sweatshirt. | 15 |
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your head lolls to | 16 |
the side and you wonder | 17 |
how cold i really am | 18 |
and how much i'm | 19 |
exaggerating | 20 |
as the storm picks up | 21 |
and the line shuffles | 22 |
another two feet. | 23 |
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having decided i was | 24 |
more frigid than attention | 25 |
starved, you reach out | 26 |
and embrace me with | 27 |
all the warmth of the summer | 28 |
sun seeping from your body | 29 |
to mine. | 30 |
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for a moment i linger | 31 |
longer than warranted | 32 |
while your chin digs affectionately | 33 |
into my cloaked head, | 34 |
and i forget your lame joke, | 35 |
and the haunted house, | 36 |
and my frozen toes, | 37 |
and the rain. | 38 |
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24 Oct 05 |
Rated 7 (8.7) by 1 users.
Active (1): 7
Inactive (2): 9, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(29 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
this is good, I like it alot, but needs tidying up:
spelling error in title
L11 'brisk' seems out of place to me; the use of 'ain't it' and the subject suggest youth, but young people don't use 'brisk'. I guess it does fall nicely in juxtaposition to the slow queue thou.
— b00
thanks for the heads up on the title. just another reason why i shouldn't post poetry extremely late into the night when my brain's functioning at half-mast.
as for as 'brisk' is concerned in |11, the quote is direct from an actual event saturday night. i contemplated changing it because i wasn't sure if it fit the flow of the rest of the poem, but i tried to work it in instead lest compromise that poignant moment.
any other suggestions as far as tidying up goes?
— psychedelico
I don't agree with the brisk. Adults often say ain't, etc, jokingly, and brisk indeed describes many Autumnal nights. I thought it fit well.
Air is tonic is a little puzzling to me. Hard to have good air when it's soggy, no?
All in all, I like this. I generally find a list of Ands in poetry rather lazy writing but in this poem, it seems to "shiver" in tune with the cold.
I am interested in who the companion is. If a lover, why would warmth be withheld? If a friend, why are they hugging you? Why do you let it last "too" long?
— Isabelle5
ah, the back story is a little long, but i'll try to campbell's soup it.
the haunted house was a function for a sobriety program that both my companion & i are in. he's my best friend, but i've wanted him to be something more for a long time. i think he does too, but the way it works in said program is that you're not supposed to show or act out your feelings until you're actually dating. & i'm not ready to date for a month or two yet still, so that's why he held back initially, and thus why i let it linger a moment too long.
— psychedelico
p.s. could you suggest a better word than tonic? i meant to describe how the air was crisp enough to invigorate, but in conjuction with the rain created a very dreary atmosphere.
— psychedelico
Crisp and clean? Sweet? Thanks for the explanation, which makes sense.
— Isabelle5
changed 'tonic' to 'bitter' in |1,
thanks for your comments Isabelle5.
— psychedelico
tonic works fine - a tonic being a revitalising drink and surely crisp clean air can have the same effect.
your comments suggest an interesting angle on the relationship that i dont think is represented in the poem; perhaps you can find a way to incorporate it?
— b00
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