| remarks made to my birthday-self
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Inuki
| - for all the unfeeling Snapples abandoned on benches
| early morning sky was smeared with clouds | 1 |
like warm butter melting across bread; | 2 |
gray heavens were still, dumb. | 3 |
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my bathwater hung over me | 4 |
like an oppressive priest, | 5 |
the fridge-marmalade tasted bitter | 6 |
from apprehension. | 7 |
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my trusty scarf | 8 |
was missing. | 9 |
the buses’ knuckles were bruised- | 10 |
torn metal, the dried oil | 11 |
irrevocably connecting life to death. | 12 |
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i waited on an archipelago | 13 |
hoping to someday gasp, | 14 |
but i might as well have waited | 15 |
for all the bitter marmalade in the world | 16 |
to crystallize. | 17 |
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crocuses were bent and bleeding purple | 18 |
like a crying painting, | 19 |
their hands and innards splattered | 20 |
obfuscating the road, | 21 |
as in a dream. | 22 |
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play the cards, place your bets | 23 |
nineteen, no more, no less. | 24 |
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the boy and girl walked down the road | 25 |
her head caved in | 26 |
his false teeth could not bear | 27 |
to look at one another, | 28 |
so instead they communicated | 29 |
only in rattlings and hoarse whispers. | 30 |
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on the bus | 31 |
an insect climbed the window | 32 |
repeatedly | 33 |
every time, knocked back down. | 34 |
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on the bus, | 35 |
everyone developed | 36 |
adult bodies | 37 |
with firm, sleek, cold, mechanical muscles | 38 |
and i, a ball of fleshy wax, | 39 |
rotund and malleable, | 40 |
and warm, while they, | 41 |
brittle and easily broken under strain. | 42 |
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the insect climbed the window | 43 |
moments later, its innards splattered on the wall | 44 |
like so many flowers obfuscating the road. | 45 |
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i am no more | 46 |
than a sparkly, half-torn | 47 |
Hello Kitty sticker | 48 |
pasted upside-down | 49 |
on the railing of the bus. | 50 |
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25 Oct 05 |
Rated 8.2 (8.6) by 7 users.
Active (7): 7, 7, 8, 10, 10
Inactive (14): 1, 5, 6, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(184 more poems by this author)
(4 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
Wow, I need time to digest this. A lot of imagery crowded into one piece. Why obfuscating twice in one poem? That's an overpowering word and to find it twice is disconcerting.
— Isabelle5
Mixing Arthur Dent and dada is a brilliant way to start the pome. You have taken this into the surreal areas that most wish they could reach: You've done it easily. Sure, there are stanzas that could be reworked: the first, in particular. But overall, this is a wild ride through a Dali painting. hmmm. Change that. This is better than Dali.
— alicedark
under benches on buses. under buses by benches. with kitty stickers. get outta here. do you want me to implode with love for you, so you can play the hippo in love with a flower?
— kaleidazcope
YES YES YES ECkstATIC PRayer!
i am full of jealous joy, at the wonderful thinks you create.
you art so talentfull.
and makings of my days.
smile, onk loves you.
— onklcrispy
best I've read today. brilliant images.
— kitkat
Fabulous ! This line is my fave
but i might as well have waited
for all the bitter marmalade in the world
to crystallize.
Transcendental
I'm a bit puzzled about why the boy and girl
I actually like the double ofuscating the ROAD (of course)
The flesh (of the flower ) hides the very path we are
supposed to be on or looking for
— sexfear
Fom the mundane (marmalad) to the universal Wow
— sexfear
best you have ever written inuki.
transcendent shit.
— noodleman
ill be back with a few minir edit-considerations.
— noodleman
This is too much but enough powerful imagery to make maybe three poems.
— larrylark
hello inuki. i have gone through, made some break suggestions and weeded out what i believe are uneccesary words that interfere with the power of the imagery, and with the proper flow. i would also like to see this in the present. i thinkit looses immediacy, and paradoxically, dreamlike quality, by being in the past tense.
very good, o sexless one.
early morning sky smeared
with clouds like warm butter
melting across bread;
gray heavens still, dumb.
my bathwater hung over me
like an oppressive priest,
the fridge-marmalade bitter
from apprehension.
my trusty scarf, missing.
the buses’ knuckles bruised-
torn metal, dried oil
irrevocably connecting life
to death.
i waited on an archipelago
hoping to someday gasp,
but i might as well have waited
for all the bitter marmalade in the world
to crystallize; crocuses bent and bleeding purple
like a crying painting, their hands and innards splattered
obfuscating the road, as in a dream.
play the cards, place your bets
nineteen, no more, no less.
the boy and girl walked down the road
her head caved in
his false teeth could not bear
to look at one another,
so instead they communicated
only in rattlings, hoarse whispers.
on the bus,
an insect climbed the window
repeatedly
every time, knocked back down.
on the bus,
everyone developed
adult bodies
with firm, sleek, cold, mechanical muscles
and i, a ball of fleshy wax,
rotund and malleable,
and warm, while they,
brittle and easily broken
under strain
the insect climbed the window
moments later, its innards splattered on the wall
like so many flowers
obfuscating the road.
i am no more
than a half-torn sparkly
Hello Kitty sticker
pasted upside-down
on the railing of the bus.
— noodleman
this poem is quite strong but you weaken it with the cutesy-youtsy stuff.
i suggest you take out the snapple thing and put it back in your journal.
i suggest you take out the trusty scarf and put it in a poem you wrote last year.
the title is good, but with the above two things creates an axis of weakness.
i cant believe you got away with obfuscating!
and twice!!
i love the end of the poem!
— unknown
I like this!
— unknown
Awesome view of growing old and indifferent however could be shortened and touched up a bit to condense several similar metaphors into one conjoined image.
— PictursRhung
wonderful.... i love the metaphors, so descriptive (10).
— lonelygirl
its alright, pretty good stuff
— infinity
i came
i read
and i puked
— unknown
This poem is amazing. There's so much to say.
A lot of clever imagery, and I like the idea you have with the bitter marmalade.
— RedRaven
hey this one is one of my favorites too...i guess your all over my favorites list
— brother_sun
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