| What would Emilie do?
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slancho
| Emilie, | 1 |
with the long hair | 2 |
and a face so photogenic it looks | 3 |
startlingly real in snapshots | 4 |
of Sultan castles in infinite winters, | 5 |
dreams | 6 |
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dreams carved-out bamboo windows | 7 |
overlooking mosaic-clothed alleyways | 8 |
where she teaches French | 9 |
and learns, in due time, | 10 |
to make mint tea | 11 |
and fluffy couscous | 12 |
on ginger-breath Fridays. | 13 |
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The left side of a cardigan flirts | 14 |
with a bicycle seat that remains warm longer, | 15 |
a smile ricochets off cackling mosques and | 16 |
Marrakech looks a million times busier | 17 |
when Emilie | 18 |
wakes. | 19 |
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27 Oct 05 |
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Comments:
I can't think of one thing you could do to make this poem better. I really like it.
— hemothymia
This is an engaging poem, but I have difficulty with "monstrously." It's kind of well..... monstrous. Also, I think it should be " real in { not "on"} photographs.
— graceinmtl
Hemothymia, thank you for reading and for your generous comments.
Graceinmtl, I changed the preposition, good eyes, but still want to stick with "monstrously" until I find a less disturbing, yet a sufficiently strong way to emphasize what is an almost startling "real"-ness. Hmmm, will think some more ...
— slancho
ah! but what about "startlingly"? Why wouldn't that work?
— graceinmtl
I was just going to do the same thing, struck me as logical after posting my comment
thank you again
maria
— slancho
wonderful!
— graceinmtl
typo in poem: startlingly. ( your first "l" is missing)
— graceinmtl
ups...
— slancho
felt like i was walking through it.
which means this has good imagery obviously.
nice work
-varun-
— unknown
oh, thank you, varun, walking through someone else's poem is always a good sensation. I often feel like I am being shoved about by the author and things (s)he just urgently wants me to experience ... so, I am happy I could create an inviting feeling with a poem about a friend.
Maria
— slancho
Compelling.
— Meep
thanks, meep!
she is compelling as well
maria
— slancho
Gorgeous images throughout the poem, especially that last stanza.
— Cloudless
for some reason i think that line 10 shoudl say 'in duel time'
more commments when i return from supermarket
in the meantinme
i dig this
— onklcrispy
read more, and still has been dug
i think it is warm little pieces like this
dreamy little joy nuggets
that really make it all wothwile
wonderful
— onklcrispy
Cloudless, thank you for your kind words!
Onkl, you are kind! This is one of the most straighforward poems I have posted on PC, much unlike a lot of the metaphoric knotting that goes on in my head and in the heads of a lot of the poets here ... but this poem is beautiful to me because of its simlicity and I am happy you go the same feeling from it.
Line 10 - I do not want to say "duel time" because that would imply conflict in her getting used to the life in Marrakech. I more wanted to communicate a feeling of things happening in order, one after the other, just like the way in which she slowly gets assimilated and one of the locals.
Thanks again to both for visiting this, it has been a month since this has been posted and I am glad to see someone returning to it.
Smiles,
Maria
— slancho
even though it's monday night, i'd like a mint tea and a cigar maybe... even a cigarette would do...
thank you again for this poem maria.
— varun
you are welcome, varun, for this poem and for all the rest of them
It has been a while since I have heard from my friend Emilie but I am sure if she were around, she would offer you a whole teapot of Moroccan mint-tea
you keeping warm?
maria
— slancho
your comment, varun, is tempting me to change the day in the poem to a Monday but since Friday is prayer day and couscous with veggies is the traditional after-meal, I think i will leave it as it is
anyway, just babbling
maria
— slancho
wow. that's the first good poem i've read all night (and i've read about 20). the only thing that bugs me is 'photogenic' in line 3, because it makes 'photographs' in the next line seem like an "extra" word to me. would luminous work in place of photogenic?
and the title makes me think of jesus, which detracts, or perhaps distracts, from the poem.
— balancing
dear, Balancing!
thank you for your comment and for your suggestions
I have changed "photographs" to "snapshots" as I wanted to keep "photogenic" the way it is, feels like this word is the most important one in this stanza
I will think about a change in the title, I can see you point, though it has not occurred to me by now that it could be distracting in this way
Yours kindly
Maria
— slancho
I do like this - im not entirely sure why.
It is sweet, it has rhythm, the re-creation of Morroco of mint teas, the scent of ginger, market incense, turquoise fragments in mosaics on the mosques
I'm not sure sure about Emilies part in this tho, i'd like to know more about her as well as the colour of her surroundings
— Mongrol
Mongrol, thank you for visiting
Emilie is a friend of mine who spent a year teaching French in Morocco (that was in 2004) and the poem is born out of my visit to Marrakesh and her. I wanted to keep this light, because that is how she figures in my mind, and spare the reader as much about her as possible, for I thought it was a poem about Emilie and at the same time, it was not a poem about Emilie.
Argh, I am not making much sense, am I? Sorry, not many things these days do.
Thanks for your comments and I will see if I can add some color and depth to Emilie ...
Yours kindly
Maria
— slancho
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