Comments:
I like the first one.
— DeathShards
...and I like them both, but prefer the 2nd. Would you consider changing to:
Lips touch, cheeks flushing crimson (?)
— graceinmtl
Ah, maybe.... lips touch, and cheeks flush crimson. ?
— scottrs
yes!
— graceinmtl
Thanks for the comments. I'll pick this to post with title.
— scottrs
I'm beginning to think you have that 'japanese' feel as I like to call it. Now I'm just jealous :p Another 10!
— Enimie
*is beginning to feel sick* Haikus...what wastes of words. And please...don't leave comments about how I, Henry am a waste of words or space or anything like that. This poem says little. I give you a little grade. 4/10
— Henry
how ,,,,, intrepid
— unknown
I like this haiku. I think the "and" in L2 is out of place almost wish it read "lips touch, cheeks flush crimson red" or "deep crimson" or "flush to crimson"....I just don't like the and.
— ninabaladina
it's fun to see older poems being commented on-
although they probably won't be worked on,
it's good to see them come around.
I'm a classic 'recently commented' commentor.
but i don't particularly like this one,
i think it's the "and".
— jenakajoffer
should be a senryu.
— Esoteric
love all the comments. always work on what i write. if not this specific haiku, understanding what others think helps shape new work. sorta like a painting, once it's done, it's done. at least that's how i feel. rarely do i re-write, i just work to improve new. hope that makes sense.
— scottrs
Chasing the wind?
Sounds a bit cliche to me.
Also, where's the nature?
— eyesaque
i love the subtlety here.
was the youth interrupted, or the chasing wind part?
is the wind actually wind?
or love?
was the chasing interrupted because the youth caught it in their first kiss and thus no longer chasing?
oh, this all makes me remember so many things.
beautiful, thank you.
— of_shoes
of_shoes, you get it. interpret it as you like... haiku, senryu, both fit i think. and i hate writing a paragraph explaining a 3 line poem. it should stand on it's own without explanation by me. It evokes different things in different readers, and that's good. after reading this again and again, the only thing i don't like is the double use of youth. argh!
— scottrs
i think you should be happy with what you write, either through edit or analysis or other or all of the above.
but i like it just fine, i think both instances of "youth" fit just fine if its any matter to you.
— of_shoes
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