poetry critical : poem

Ocean Aqua Ice Cream Blue

That golden water can leave you euphoric for some hours, but the world is always a little darker when your head throbs the next day.

Zagged and crissed	1
zigged and crossed	2
fate's fabric has it lost.	3
Dye, oh dye, mixed in with red	4
(crimson hides it on the sheet of my bed).	5

Morals have a hue distinct as a voice	6
but seeing their color is a matter of choice	7
for ocean aqua ice cream blue	8
can scream like yellow--if you want it to.	9

But colors go all out of whack	10
when they are consumed by vindictive black.	11
Golden water taint's one's vision	12
and general thought	13

[and intuition].	14

Stark reds on dark beds	15
from illegal perceptions in woozy heads	16
and fallow groans with drunken drones	17
and 911 operators on telephones	18
are all what happen without this color	19
no vibrant twinges--life gets duller.	20

If we pleaded hard I'm sure it would	21
(time that is)	22

if it could--	23

take us back to childhood	24
where golden water was purely good.	25
There was no variety to pick or choose	26
because all we had was apple juice;	27
sips of cool and crisp delight and	28
innocent glows from teddy bear night lights.	29
And after it rained, when the sun broke through	30
and we took breaks from our choo choo choos	31
a rainbow could have that special tint,	32
no crimson or black or colors of dint.	33
Back then it was not red, orange, yellow and blue	34
it was rose, citrus, and banana, too.	35
Blue was blue, as it now may seem	36
but back then it was the shade of ocean aqua ice cream.	37

2 Nov 05

Rated 8 (9) by 1 users.

Active (1):
Inactive (3): 7, 8, 10, 10

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(31 more poems by this author)

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Comments:

when you say golden waters. do you mean piss?

lovely comedic poem that revels in it's own soundscape. utterly childish. utterly playful.
you made me smile.
— kaleidazcope

Actually, I meant alcohol... perhaps I ought to reword that, as the poem wasn't intended to sound too childish or playful.  I just meant to add childish diction to the last stanza to show innocence.
— X

I love the title. It's so 1960s. I'll comment more later. I have to go to work.
graceinmtl
— unknown

Bittersweet flavor for me, I liked it a lot! Nice imagery shown here. I like the reference to how things are most usually prettier through the eyes of a child. Good work!
— wamblicante

X -  PS - If you could and don't mind, please read my poem Touched and Touching. I put it in for Halloween but everybody missed it. Read anything else you want to as well. Comments appreciated!
— wamblicante

for rhythm I think you need one additional "choo." Possibly naive here, but a few colour references are opaque. Nonetheless, compelling and beautifully written.

a jewel, in the sense of shimmering colours + quality. And the title whispers nostalgia. A definite favourite!
— graceinmtl

Wow, choo choo choos sounds a whole lot better--excellent idea, thanks!

And I appreciate all the comments.  Glad there's only been one negative comment from one of those unknowns that click all the recently commented or newest poems and leave discouraging "criticism".
— X

I am in love with the last stanza. Honestly, I love the way you describe your perception. I'm not sure exactly what it is about the beginning, but it doesn't quite seem to flow as nice for me as the ending does.

Overall, I would say one of your better poems. I definately enjoyed it. Don't you just wish we could all go back to those times of childhood?
— kandiekay

i like it a lot
— limerain

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