| sex translucent
|
thinknerd
| not bare-naked, but | 1 |
sheet-naked, | 2 |
her gradations getting grayer | 3 |
by the yard, fifty-count. | 4 |
her body was softened and sheathed | 5 |
in white like lily | 6 |
and leprocy | 7 |
respectively. and now, | 8 |
her face still sleeping, | 9 |
frowning towards the morning sludge brewing, | 10 |
her eyebrows disheveled like | 11 |
stray down feathers, | 12 |
peeping daylight curves across her cheek; | 13 |
the sun is a sunken note | 14 |
to the candlelight and wine glass opus | 15 |
played on her forehead | 16 |
last night. | 17 |
|
27 Jun 03 |
Rated 8 (7.6) by 2 users.
Active (2): 6, 10
Inactive (7): 2, 6, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9
(define the words in this poem)
(10 more poems by this author)
(2 users consider this poem a favorite)
|
Add A Comment:
|
Comments:
wtf. is my poem going to go all the way down the newest list without so much as a single comment? thats just unacceptable!
— unknown
I assure you somebody will comment soon. Perhaps, they will comment on how good lines 11-13 are. Perhaps you will rest easily after that...but probably not.
— onklcrispy
and yes, it needs work.
— onklcrispy
paint some letters on a cardboard sign and make it stand near busy traffic, perhaps it will find work...and food.
— onklcrispy
actually, I think it's fine the way it is, and after re-reading it, I dig line 3 as well.
— onklcrispy
my biggest problem lies within lines 14 and 15. its just seems... exploited.
— thinknerd
i think i fixed it.
— thinknerd
Crackermatic Gargamel Zippofied!!
— onklcrispy
okay, i really dont care if you want to give my poem a 6, but would you please enlighten me as to why?
— thinknerd
I gave it an 8! and then a 9!
— onklcrispy
or a 10!
— onklcrispy
Okay, so I had stuff in here, but my keyboard fell, and the page reloaded, so here's the gist of it:
"Greyer" is superior to "grayer", because I'm not a sucka because it's illegal (as it should be).
"Fifty-count" is so department store, but in an amusing way.
Line 15: why was the wine glass lit? did it need to be on fire? and then, what, it was smashed into her forhead? That is so sexy. Nothing I like better than someone bleeding from the forehead and little pieces of glass sticking out (this is honestly what I picture when reading that line, which is bizarre). At least it fits in with morning sludge and sheets of leprocy.
I'm not here for numbers right now, so I'll give you a ... small moon as a rating. Fond of Charon? Or maybe one of those guys on Mars, whatever their names are. Would you prefer Deimos (panic) or Phobos (fear)? Great selection.
— semaj
im gald you think 50-count sounds department store. it was supposed to sound cheap and ... whats the opposite of sexy? (probably a glass smashed across someone's forehead, huh?)
which brings me to my next point.
all of line 15 is supposed to imply a romantic dinner (line 16) the night before. the idea of the light reflected off the wine glass onto her forehead is supposed to be somewhat more sexy an image than the (implicitly) cheap, 'peeping [tom?]' daylight coming through the blinds in the morning.
still, i see your criticism of the line, and i think it would be good to ammend the wording to make it more clear. sometimes, i think, i try to condense a little too much... if you (especially you) dont understand what i was getting at, there is probably a flaw that i can tackle one way or another.
i still want you to be my best friend.
— thinknerd
I did think it was intended to be about a candle-lit dinner, but it's the wording going into the end of it, the "played on her forehead" which throws me. The closest I could get to an intended meaning of it was that her forehead was all red from blood rising to the surface and rushing to the head from the alcohol. Time-wise, it's also a bit obscure there; I was getting the opus as played the morning after from the effects of the night before (but that may be my own fault for misreading slightly).
I sent you an email, you know. Bring it on.
— semaj
honestly, i have no idea where you got that thing about her being bloody... seriously. theres nothing about red in there at all... as far as i can tell, there is no language that suggests blood or cuts or anything... have you ever heard someone say 'the light played across the floor'? maybe you havent... i dont know. point is, i was trying to use that idea of light 'playing' across her forehead to create a contrast to the 'sunken note' of the morning light. i guess i was going for dual imagery, with both visual and musical descriptions.
if you could pin point where you got the red, though, now THAT would be helpful.
— thinknerd
I got the red because I was imagining that what you were referring to was blood rushing to her head from alcohol. It's the placement of "wine glass" in there, I understand what you're trying to say now, but the wine is expressing more dominance in the image than the light. I can't see any light reflecting off of the glass, more that the glass is lit up, making it the important part of the sentence, and so I thought, "what would wine play across someone's forehead?" So that's where I was coming from.
— semaj
semaj-
look at that line again... tell me if my little alteration clarifies anything.
— thinknerd
yeah, I think that works a bit better.
— semaj
I really, really enjoyed this. It's like getting a present, within a present, within a present.
— capnorange
beautiful wonderfulness
— onklcrispy
wonderful beautifulness
— onklcrispy
this is funky in a good way.
— SeraphSoul
to comment on your comment: a 6 is not bad. a 6 is perfectly average. and if something is perfectly average, what is there to say?
— jade
jade-
you know as well as anyone that even a comment like 'this is average' has to have some kind of backing for it to be feasable. its a value judgement.
now, if instead of 'this is average' a person tells me what specifically is average, then thats another story.
and i dont think a 6 is a bad rating. but it was the lowest one i got, and i like to know why people give me what they give me. im far more concerned with recieving criticism than praise.
— thinknerd
booooooo.
— unknown
...thanks!
— thinknerd
if you were going to post an asshole comment, you could at least have been witty about it.
— thinknerd
I don't really know what to think of this poem. I have been watching it for a while, and it has been making many transformations with re-writes and editing. I am happy you are doing that, but I just don’t know if it is there for me yet.
I do like the beginning as well as some other lines: "not bare-naked, but sheet-naked" lovely two lines"... the idea of her body "in white like lily"... the image of "stray down feathers"... "the sun is a sunken note". These were the highlights of the poem for me; they all struck me.
As I said this has been in a state of metamorphosis since you first posted it. The poem just strays too much for me though to really pull me in. Although I like the alliteration in lines 6,7, and 8 (the lily, leprocy, respectively); I don’t feel it really does much for the poem (especially the "respectively" line). I can't really see the respectively fitting into the poem. Line 13 I don’t like the use of the word "peeping"... I don’t feel it is necessary. I would rather see just "daylight curves across her cheek.
There are other words I feel don't fit the poem as well. This is just personal thoughts but I don’t like the use of "graduations" (though that one might work effectively)... "sheathed" makes me think of a knife, I have trouble thinking of anything else in there, and it distracts me from the girl wrapped in sheets, which is what I feel you were saying... "sludge brewing", "disheveled", "peeping", "opus" these are some of the others.
I suppose I just feel this poem could be simplified a lot and in it's simplification I feel it will have more of an effect on the audience. I feel there is a poem in this, I am just unsure if I am really looking at it yet. In line 5 do you need the word "was"? It sort of appears like extra baggage to me... especially with the verbs being in a past tense as with “softened”. The poem itself is a poem of present situation, reflecting on past as far as I can see, or things passing. Did you mean to spell leprosy wrong (leprocy)?
I am not going to rate this poem yet being that I don’t feel it is in final draft and I know you will probably work on it more as you have been. I would like to discuss it more with you if you would like. Just let me know because I do really see something in it. If not that is fine too. Thanks for posting. I have enjoyed watching you work with this one.
— unknown
Damn it... I was signed in. I swear. You have passed me your disease.
— OldShoe
im sorry!!
its communicable!
i will address your comment later on tonight, or tomorrow. thanks for it all -- im going to let it sink in a bit before i figure out what to do with it. i really appreciate your input, though. its just what i needed after that goober's 'booooo' comment.
— thinknerd
You're sorry... YOU'RE SORRY! DID YOU LEARN NOTHING FROM OUR APOLOGY DISCUSSION!!! OHHH... NOW YOU'RE IN DEEP MISSY! Hahaha. Yas... think about it... we'll get back to it sometime in the future. Ciao.
— OldShoe
though shall not of lived with the thought, the thought of her boy freind leaving her
— unknown
sucked ass
— unknown
okay
— unknown
why did i never comment on this before? i suck. the ending to this absolutely does not suck, though. 13-17. hot fucking damn.
— jade
|
|
|