| once, it was real
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fdostoev
| 20, house party | 1 |
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dyslexic on | 2 |
Baileys | 3 |
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she spun gypsy circles | 4 |
in a paisley skirt | 5 |
and rainbow patterned | 6 |
Doc Martens | 7 |
bushels of strawberry | 8 |
blond hair fluttering | 9 |
around porcelain skin | 10 |
stretched taught over | 11 |
moist collarbones | 12 |
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we fucked | 13 |
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she crystallized in | 14 |
my mouth | 15 |
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I genuflected | 16 |
till my knees | 17 |
buckled | 18 |
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she caught me | 19 |
between the sheets | 20 |
of the coffee colored | 21 |
futon I bought for | 22 |
us | 23 |
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this talk | 24 |
that talk | 25 |
these things happen | 26 |
whore was sleeping around | 27 |
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she left | 28 |
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me bloody | 29 |
knees and pebbled | 30 |
palms on my gravel | 31 |
driveway | 32 |
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gasping like | 33 |
a goldfish flopping | 34 |
on red shag. | 35 |
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4 Nov 05 |
Rated 8.2 (8.6) by 7 users.
Active (7): 8, 8, 8, 8, 9
Inactive (3): 4, 8, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(86 more poems by this author)
(6 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Add A Comment:
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Comments:
woooah -----okay u need to make the whole thing one long poem and take out the gaps the poem wants to flow and u have it stopping and going its good but if the whole thing just flowed it would be great---it reminds me of something nick cave would sing sort of....
but wow amazing stuff there imagery and all really nicely done
— modioperandi
modioperandi
Hello,
thanks for reading and commenting,,, I see your point on having it all flow - - -
I seem to have a penchant for the broken lines -----
thanks again
Justin
— fdostoev
Beautiful- I could picture it like I was watching a video!
— ky_diva
taught - taut
I was distracted by the white spaces except for the one that made sense, right after she was sleeping around.
I enjoyed the part of the dancing, the flow of the skirt, the dyslexia caused by Baileys (not that I would know about that!). Moist collarbones does not fit the image of this gypsy dancer. You might think of sweat elsewhere but moist collarbones just isn't the right wording.
We fucked. Now that is so abrupt and also does not feel right, although perhaps it's the base, raw feeling you are going for. Genuflected till my knees buckled is very clear and honest.
The ending is also clear as a landed fish on a sunny beach.
— Isabelle5
I have to admit I like this a lot ... the line breaks are very, very effective (especially in the latter part of the poem). Well done, dealing with a subject that has been overdone, shoved up teen poems than back around. The beginning is wonderous, then "dyslexic on Baileys" - how did you come up with that? Lines 4-12 - what a tasty way to describe a girl: fresh and unforced. I can almost see her flutter about. I agree with Isa that line 13 comes a bit abrupt, maybe because it is also spatially autonomous. Ha, the ending is great, almost feel like picking that fish for my fish tank. Flap, flap, flap ...
Great job, fdostoev, I will come back to this one.
Maria (slancho)
— unknown
Ky_diva:
thanks for reading
Isabelle:
thank you for reading and commenting. the moist collarbone was what I remember the most, so it has to stay,,, but I see where you are coming from,
thx for reading.
Maria:
thank you for reading,,
"dyslexic on Baileys" that's how I felt,, this was when I just started experimenting with alcohol - and I got this wavy feeling (words backwards) etc,,,,
thanks again
Justin.
— fdostoev
Justin, you are very welcome. By the way, I like the moist collarbone.
Keep on writing!
Maria
— slancho
maria,,
thnks,,
Justin/
— fdostoev
I love you man, that's my kinda shit!
The subject matter left me feeling a little sketchy, but awesome organization!
— Notecompsure
Sorry I forgot the rating!
— Notecompsure
Notecompsure ,
hello, thanks for reading and commenting...
what type of music do you play?
J.
— fdostoev
the last line makes it.
— Riverwriter2
River,
thanks for reading..
— fdostoev
good stuff :) I likes.
— aeturnus
aeturnus .///
thanks for reading///
Justin/
j
— fdostoev
hmmm,
— unknown
altruistic/
thanks/for/read/etc
Justin
— fdostoev
nnice, i would like to strike some lines and mush match others
— crepaway
crepaway/
thx for reading/responding////
Justin
— fdostoev
I love the entire poem, except for line 27.....I think you could just leave that out , and the word 'these' on line 26 and the poem would be better....we'd know something happened, but it wouldn't be explictly stated. ....
— ameryan
You write so well!1
— unknown
thx
— fdostoev
Very cool. I liked it alot..
— CervusWright
Real and bitter.
x
— musicwords
it reads like a run on sentence. punctuation is definitely needed.
— xtormentedx
painful love relationship. you execute it awesome-ly.
— listen
Vivid interpretation of a brief encounter with crimson shading
— larrylark
i like it a lot...but i don't quite get the ending...
— 1994
16-18 make no sense. if you genuflect (kneel) your knees are already buckled.
— unknown
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