| your so-called "Conversations"
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kandiekay
| With pursed lips and an intense gaze upon my untied shoes, | 1 |
traffic blurs by as I drown out droans | 2 |
of monotonous questioning. | 3 |
[I'm really only along for the ride.] | 4 |
Treated worse than a prisoner, with inquiries | 5 |
such as how's LIFE and what are you FEELING | 6 |
when you know I don't have any. | 7 |
I numbed out these illusions of the soul | 8 |
called "feelings" many years ago on | 9 |
my longs runs in the cold. All that's needed | 10 |
is peace and quiet to THINK. | 11 |
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But you are oblivious to my silence, | 12 |
of course. You always are. | 13 |
And so continues on with | 14 |
what do you WANT. | 15 |
And, honestly, | 16 |
all I want is to hide in my own corner of the world, | 17 |
turn my eyes inward and look upon myself, | 18 |
and to not have anybody try to open the blinds to my brains, | 19 |
and just sleep. Forever. | 20 |
And for once in my life, I don't want for anyone to | 21 |
fucking CARE... | 22 |
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9 Nov 05 |
(define the words in this poem)
(14 more poems by this author)
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Add A Comment:
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Comments:
Any suggestions? Please?
— kandiekay
This poem has a lot of potential, but I think its being written in the 1st person is a bit of an Achille's Heel. 1st-person is especially tricky, because sometimes the writer ends up describing themselves, and it just stirkes the reader weird. For example, would you really care to have coffee with me if I instant messaged you and said, "the granite in my voice, the grey hair in my beard stands stark contrast to my lean, boyish body"? Bad example, maybe, but if you look at the first line, that's the effect, and as it is the first line of the poem (the most important, IMO), it puts the reader off from the beginning.
That said, you have a natural voice and a good talent with words; the pace and sound are all good, but I think this poem might best be presented from a 3rd-person perspective. Place yourself, as a writer, outside the subject, and paint your readers a portrait of this woman; it would make it easier for most readers to engage.
Thanks,
— mikkirat
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