| Sunflower Rhaspody
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Aziel
| I saw you in the | 1 |
gas station parking lot. | 2 |
Your hair gleamed orange, | 3 |
and it was as if I could | 4 |
hear your thoughts. | 5 |
Your face portrayed traces | 6 |
of annoyance and despair, | 7 |
and you seemed determined | 8 |
to your destination. | 9 |
Though you were a ten, | 10 |
you were gorgeous. | 11 |
You walked with the grace | 12 |
of an angel in heat, | 13 |
so it wasn't hard | 14 |
to recognize you. | 15 |
I smiled as you | 16 |
popped sunflower seeds | 17 |
between your cheribum lips; | 18 |
the fumes seemed to irritate you | 19 |
(You always hated cars and | 20 |
the noise of sterios set too high). | 21 |
The expression of your body | 22 |
provoked a Kodak moment. | 23 |
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You were always a beautiful child. | 24 |
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10 Nov 05 |
Rated 7.5 (7.5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 7, 8
Inactive (2): 6, 9
(define the words in this poem)
(40 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
Line 21 - stereos
I like this but I'm interested in line 10 - do you mean this or did you mean to say Not a 10?
— Isabelle5
This sounds like my poetry except paraphrased.
— unknown
I meant it as 'size 10'.
— Aziel
Oh! Not what I thought! (and a 10 is slender, so what's with the "though you were a 10, you were gorgeous?)
Still like it.
— Isabelle5
I really like the sentiment of this poem but it reads a little choppy like a list of things remembered because all your sentences are declarative and all but the sentence of L10/11 are in their simplest order, ie. "I saw" "Your hair gleamed" "Your face portrayed" "You walked" "I smiled" "You always hated."
All in all I still like it, but I don't think it would take much tweaking to make it great.
— nakedowl
You might also want to reread L4. Am I misunderstanding something or did you mean to say "and it was AS if I could" ??
— nakedowl
The ending was the only thing i didnt like about this, the rest, i loved.
— chelseyjo
actually reading it over today, i do like the ending. hmmm.
— chelseyjo
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