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Parasite of Sand
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Within the hourglass of sand
 1
You choke! on the time you lack.
 2
Mercy! you cry in demand—
 3
Alas! your tears are dry; they crack.
 4
 
 
Crack, and you are more than shocked
 5
At dangers of your parched state.
 6
How much longer, locked,
 7
Can you stay in twisted fate?
 8
 
 
The hourglass—see it breathe?
 9
And as you ever slowly die,
 10
The hourglass begins to sheathe
 11
Nonliving traits; it sucks you dry!
 12

11 Nov 05


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Comments:

This is an unusual theme for a poem. Stanzas 1 and 3 work well, but I think the second stanza needs some work.

Line 6 a path to let survive your being stuck - sounds unnatural and odd word order.
a path to let you survive being stuck? - I don't know, but the whole of this stanza sounds not quite right and it affects the clarity of what you're trying to say here.

Lines 1-2 very good dramatic start. I like the use of exclamation marks in stanza 1.
Lines 11-12 I like this image.

Clever ideas that need a bit of developing. Interesting.
 — smugzy

smugzy:

thanks for commenting on this poem. great suggestions. will rewrite and repost.
 — unknown

smugzy, thanks for your help. redid the middle, to make it stronger.
  (or fatter.)
 — listen
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