poetry critical : poem

Neck(For Screaming)

howl	1
like a madman	2
riding a wave or	3
perhaps the last man	4
on the moon lost lonely	5
and incapable of remembering	6
what it was to be home touched	7
or remembered forgetting whatever it	8
was that he perhaps used to be or not to be	9
anything when you’re so far from being	10
someone that you used to have or	11
have not on this world in his	12
hands made for the touch	13
of class on their own	14
little worlds made	15
for you and me	16
made just to	17
howl	18

scream	19
like you’re	20
dying or dead	21
clawing your way	22
back up that long and	23
lonely slide with your fingers	24
bleeding you might finally realise	25
what you’ve got to crawl back to or	26
perhaps realising that there was a reason	27
you slid down in the first place and	28
that finally there in the darkness	29
with your fingers bleeding you	30
know what it is to want	31
to really want and	32
what it truly is	33
to really	34
scream	35

smile	36
because	37
underneath	38
the tears and the	39
screaming there is an	40
answer and as fleeting as it	41
seems there is hope even	42
if that hope is only	43
waking up and	44
finding you’re	45
someone	46
else	47

3 Jul 03

Rated 7 (7.6) by 3 users.

Active (3): 6, 7, 8
Inactive (6): 6, 6, 8, 9, 9, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(37 more poems by this author)

(4 users consider this poem a favorite)

declan
femme_arabe
inutile
stateofmind

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Comments:

You know how you have the camel's back thing going on in your structure?

Yup. That means that your poem doesn't flow.
— collyrium

i don't understand how you arrived at that conclusion. while i am not particularly fond on the structure, i think the poem flows quite nicely, with each stanza as one sentence. though i think it worked best for the last, and shortest, one.
— username

Maybe it's not supposed to "flow". But I like the way it read, and the way it was structured made me want to read it in the first place. I wouldn't structure a poem like this myself, but it's always nice to see something different. The only criticism is I feel it runs on a bit too long, and, as a whole, the poem misses it's mark. Consider revising, or condensing, there is some really good stuff in here, and then there's not.
— onklcrispy

Badger, if you only look at the first two sections, it looks exactly like an open mouth screaming or singing or something. I love reading your stuff.
— Isabelle5

Thank you for your criticism, but that poem came straight from my heart, lying there, thinking I have nothing to lose. I wrote it once, and there it is for you. But thank you
— jessiekak

"...entirely than you thought you were."
quite an epic moment... sounds like experience and superheroic perseverance.
— C

This is so good. All of your work is good. Envy is filling me.
— Hear-u-Me

Thank you for the comments on this. Apart from maybe jessiekak, who it seems is taking credit for the whole thing. lol. Is someone drunk in here?
— feebadger

I think jessiekak was responding to something badger wrote on one of his or her poems.
— stateofmind

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