poetry critical : poem

Nights at Starbucks

It burns inside me	1
I yearn	2
For something more	3
To live a life alone	4
Is not the way I want to go	5
So I sit here	6
Alone	7
Couples all around	8
Some with true faces of love	9
Others who only wait till night	10

It burns inside me	11
I yearn to show someone what I can give	12
But it seems I have forgotten	13
Has evolution chosen to set me back	14
Only to look at the empty hands holding hands	15
Don’t lie to me	16
He’s not really smiling	17
Only I smile like that	18
But no more	19
I know how I am to end	20
And in a darkened fighting ring floor	21
I am sprawled by myself	22
In agony	23
While blood rises from every pore	24
And I cry out for human contact so much	25
That I throw myself at pain just to feel	26

Burn me, damn you	27
No more Christmas songs for me	28
The curtain never even came up	29
Play me an encore of rolled eyes	30
And I’ll deal you the hand I’ve been holding	31

16 Nov 05

Rated 10 (7) by 1 users.

Active (1):
Inactive (1): 4, 10

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Comments:

speechless. gar. i have no criticism. you just rock my world with your poems. : )
— stellarskys6

First of all I want to say . I heart your title.

Second, gosh what is this? All i see are song or angsty lyrics.

L27 through 31 are the only ones i see worth becoming into a good poem.

You have some good lines but you're mainly way too ambigious. You skip from one thing to the next.

L11-26 the majority are cliche. Same old same old. Human contact, however is a good phrase, as is L24. L8 you can salvage. If you just nit and pick lines all around, you can create a poem about something that we can see come alive. The poem should make the reader see a photograph in his/her mind slowly developing and I can't see that.

Lastly, the title seems pretty, that's all it is fluffy, doesn't make a reference to anything within a Starbucks, i assumed you'd be talking about the smells :hey there's an idea!: But you just fooled me. Hopefully you'll do something about this and take advice. Good luck
— Gabriella

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— EdwardDurden

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