| 1:01AM
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psychedelico
| lying with legs outstretched, | 1 |
she's tracing the hem | 2 |
of his lounge pants that | 3 |
dangle loosely from | 4 |
her significantly smaller | 5 |
frame. fingers touching | 6 |
sky, night, and white-- | 7 |
while her eyes gaze | 8 |
blankly at the hypnotic | 9 |
ceiling fan. there is | 10 |
no sound save the whooshing | 11 |
of fan blades and her | 12 |
small intakes of breath, | 13 |
each deliberately | 14 |
fashioned as her last. | 15 |
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ten miles and a | 16 |
heartbeat away, | 17 |
he's standing erect and | 18 |
shivering in the cold. | 19 |
he's looking through the | 20 |
windows of his own home | 21 |
like a bum admiring | 22 |
the warmth and happiness | 23 |
eluding him through the glass. | 24 |
as he takes the final drag | 25 |
of his cigarette lazily, | 26 |
he doesn't notice the | 27 |
ash that falls casually | 28 |
on the pink floyd pants | 29 |
she bought him for his birthday. | 30 |
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it's a minute after one, | 31 |
and they both should be asleep, | 32 |
but instead each is lost | 33 |
in silent reverie | 34 |
wondering how the | 35 |
other is and wishing | 36 |
they weren't alone | 37 |
right now. | 38 |
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17 Nov 05 |
Rated 6.5 (8.3) by 2 users.
Active (2): 5, 8
Inactive (3): 8, 9, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(29 more poems by this author)
(1 user considers this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
nice work on the last stanza.
— pull_my_hair
he's looking through the
windows of his own home
like a bum admiring
the warmth and happiness
eluding him through the glass.
this part is kinda strange for some reason---
otherwise really good
— modioperandi
Nice work,well crafted and developed .Some really good visual atmospheric touches
Larry
— larrylark
thank you larry & thanks for the fave nebetsu.
as far as |20-24, can anyone explain the "strangeness" a little more thoroughly? i thought it was self-explanatory. he's looking through the windows of his own house like a stranger who doesn't live there, almost envious of the fairytale on the other side.
— psychedelico
more comments, please. sorry to be a comment whore, but i'd really like to work on this one. any constructive suggestions or feedback (positive or negative) would be much appreciated.
— psychedelico
I'm not sure if i'm thrilled about the content of the picture, but as far as I am concerned, the first stanza could be a poem in itself, it paints a gorgous feeling picture
— madderhatter
yeah I must agree the first stanza is the best.
— unknown
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