Comments:
Ha, made me feel a little guilty reading this, ok - start - turn of computer.
— unknown
haha, not trying to make you feel guilty, just pointing out a flaw
— bear
ah helpfulness is great
— bear
lines 4 & 5 state "They have one eye that glows blue", but this would read much easier if you said they have one eye EACH, since without that crucial word i was left feeling sort of confused until i reached the end, where it cleared it up for me. but because i was trying to figure out what you were on about, and what you meant, i was distracted, and thus couldn't enjoy the poem as i should have. and now i'm all worked up about it, and so i can't still enjoy it...
ok, so now i've mentioned that slight problem, i'll move on to the next. you say the eyes glow blue, but both tvs and computors don't really glow blue, not in real life, and since you are using this to compare to the real life, i believe you should mention that the colours are ever changing, perhaps link this to their hold on you, like you don't know their true clolours or something. i know, lame, but this is your poem, not mine. i can afford to suck with the suggestions, because i only need to give you a little push, or a rather forceful shove, it's up to you to come up with better ones.
i'm going to stop there, because this poem is getting me aggravated, and i'm not sure i even spelt that right, which is making matters worse. and i think you might have spelt "cyclopes" wrong, as i think there is either another "s", or no "e".
— inutile
i added "each" to line 5. if you look at a television or a computer with all the lights off, and watch the wall that its facing, you can see a faint blue glow, i promise you. and i think cyclopes is spelled right. thank you for the suggestions, you are one of the last people on this site that does such a thing.
— bear
i wrote a comment, but it didn't work for some reaon, so i'll say it again, briefly.
in word doc it can be spelt both with an "e" and without an "e", and i don't know why, or whether the meaning is different, because how can it mean something other than what it means? i hate language, and im going to communicate in crude gestures grunts from now on.
— inutile
haha, we can be like vikings! grunt point at a viking helmet.
— bear
oh yeah, about the glow on the wall, sorry that when the tv is on i look at it instead of the opposite wall like a moron. same with the computer
i felt that had to be said ;)
— inutile
try taking out the 'so' in line 7. also, consider making changes to the last stanza. the poem builds up until that point and could use a stronger ending.
electronic media not only owns america, by the way.
— aerol
inutile, i dont have a reply to that. haha, sorry.
made some changes aerol. i keep forgetting this site is international, should i replace America with the world?
— bear
i think that would help and give it more punch.
— aerol
changed it! thanks aerol
— bear
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