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EdwardDurden
| Like scents that have been waiting too long to be lit | 1 |
Like children running in the same direction | 2 |
Like sweethearts meeting where the napkin told them to | 3 |
One room, 24 candles, long hair and no shoes, | 4 |
Couch cushion seats and hand made creativity. | 5 |
Home. | 6 |
Home is where I am. | 7 |
Home is finding yourself waking up in sensual glory. | 8 |
Everything is so soft, as if its part of yourself. | 9 |
The love-seat is your heart and the Chinese balloon lamps your soul. | 10 |
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The second version to a poem I've previously posted. |
20 Nov 05 |
Rated 7 (7) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (0): 7
(define the words in this poem)
(80 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
crap how bad was the first one??
— unknown
NOOO im just kidding! stop crying! it was good
— unknown
is it chinese balloon-lamps your soul perhaps?
whichever, end it there. the last two lines spoil an otherwise very likeable piece, with nice sound, image and rhythm surprises along the way.
perhaps crop some overly gaudy language.
like "in sensual glory" it really is a bit much, and "as if it is part of yourself" no need to explain a metaphor before you use one.
otherwise maybe something that reminds of couch, like sofa, settee, or arm-chair, to nicely extend your imagery in 10 instead of chair?
— bettalpha
what is like scents? what is like children running? etc. etc. Home? The poem doesn't work.
— catherine
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