poetry critical : poem

Freeway Death

I set my wooden box right	1
in the middle of the freeway.	2

“Once you decide to be nothing	3
you will become everything!”	4

All around me the rain is whispering	5
stories from the clouds and from	6
the million faces passing in a moment,	7

and everything I have to reply	8
is silently expressed in my outstretched arms.	9

Write this down quickly, before the storm:	10

Find the humor	11
in a soapbox	12
in the shape of a coffin	13
labeled return to sender.	14

I bow my head and exhale ash.	15

22 Nov 05

(define the words in this poem)
(62 more poems by this author)

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Comments:

Line 3-4: This is a powerful set of lines but I think it's been somewhat isolated or disjointed.  The rest of this piece describes the actions going on.  I think these lines would be better received with an action either you remember the words, you speak them, someone else says them, etc.  This way they don't seem as though they are just floating amongst the series of actions and events.

The symbolism of lines 10 - 15 is powerful.  Am I wrong or is that a religious reference?  It's thought-provoking whatever the case is.

I have nothing else for this piece.  It saddens me that I'm the first to comment on it and it was posted back in November.  Many have skipped over a quality piece of writing.    Well done
— Resonanz

this is so sad

so so sad
— unknown

this reminded me to make sure my coffin is shaped like an hourglass

Wonda Von Gluck
— unknown

I don't know, that was kind of the whole point of the poem... for those words to be floating and disjointed, in a way that...

the person is getting on a soap box in the middle of the freeway to say those words, but no one is listening.

yes that's religious at the end

i will think about what you said with lines 3-4

thanks for commenting, i thought this one was lost to the void :)
— Ananke

You could present it like such:
_______________

I set my wooden box right
in the middle of the freeway
and say/scream/whatever,

"Once you decide to be nothing..."

All around me....
________

Thus the lines are themselves isolated in the structure of the poem but you also have the benefit of not having them lost in the actual course of events which is the only thing that in my opinion makes the disjointed feeling of them rather jarring.  Just a suggestion
— Resonanz

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