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Th' sound of rain

Under a shot tin roof is
cacophony in a chamber
orchestra pits audience.
Ah, if only the dustballs could g'low
as footlights.

22 Nov 05

Rated 10 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (3): 1, 8, 8, 10

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I love this poem.  I feel as if in the beginning you were trying too hard to use that play on words because the Th' only fits if you make it "thunder".  I think it's clever, but almost too much and unneeded in my opinion.  I think everything else is completely flawless.  I love it.
 — eyesParadox

 — varun

this reminds me of that short story called "paul's case".. have you read it?
 — unknown

very nice poem
 — kaleidazcope

eyesParadox, yes, thanks!  Your point is valid: I work just one overly-clever angle in at the start by duplexing a pun between "th' rain" and "th'under".   On the other hand, when rain goes heavy on an old time tin roof it's quite a thunder.  More of an Ives'ian assualt on our senses than the music of a chamber orchestra.  So, this orchestra (pit) pits against the suffering audience.   Light rain on a tin roof is musical enough.  Well, soothing, anyway.   Dust bunnies go low as the do, anyway.   But if they could only glow up so light?    This tiny poem is not fully concordant with its premise nor fully developed as a poem.  But for it's shortness, it is about as much as it can be. I guess it is OK.  That varun and especially, dear kaleidazcope vote for it to, means they see it even more clearly than does the author.  

Thank you all for helping and voting so gently.  Pats of droplets are music for this tinhorn.
 — netskyIam

still self-deprecating nets

'dustballs' - imaginative my old friend

 — unknown

the dustballs could g'
and they could g'
lower too.

"This tiny poem is not ... fully developed as a poem."
i like things like this and that.
 — gnormal

i normally don't like double spaced works because they feel airy, but this isn't. nice pronunciation (spelled right?) of thu, for the. i liked how you did that.
 — listen