poetry critical

online poetry workshop

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While eclectic egos
gripe for adjectives
we verb for memories;
caress for metaphors--
craft with inkless pens and
open endeavoring hands.
Palms rubbing forearms
fingers 'round napes of necks
we mix better than chex
and your love drips like sugar-sap
over my crackled to-do list.
Every blink is a snapshot
committing moments to memories
and every sound goes platinum
we can't hear enough.

27 Nov 05

Rated 10 (8.2) by 4 users.
Active (4): 10
Inactive (29): 1, 1, 4, 4, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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(27 more poems by this author)

(8 users consider this poem a favorite)

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The first great poem today on the newest list. I'll be back to log in, comment and rate.
 — unknown

How beautiful to have the soul of a poet!  Every sound DOES GO platinum when you really listen.  Nice!
 — starr

what an awesome title
 — unknown

Haha, yeah, cheesy pickup lines that one makes up in the early morn can tend to make good titles.  Well, I have really good ratings right now, which is nice, but I'd like some substantial feedback, if possible please!  Thank you, though, starr.
 — X

10, easily.
 — lieskilllies

fantastic! i particularly enjoyed the title
 — scarlet_muse

This is so awesomely refreshing. Great work
 — madderhatter

This is crap/
on every level/


 — fdostoev

Hm, no need for profanity, the one rating was expected eventually.  To each his own, I suppose.  I'm still seeking any criticism, I'm glad most have enjoyed this though.
 — X

What did you intend this poem to say X. It is highly abstract, which is why I ask.
 — unknown

Really, I hate to interpret my own poems for people, but I'll break it down as briefly as I can, since you asked.

The first stanza basically says that people, much like in the writing of poetry, want to "flower up" the meaning of their relationships with things that would add adjectives, such as "sexy" clothing, "kinky" actions, and things of the like.  However, with simple caressing and pure love the narrator can create poetry (or its equivalent) with his beloved.  

The second stanza elaborates off the first, describing some of the feelings of intimacy, and making an attempt at a humorous connotation to food.  The love dripping like sugar-sap indicates that the narrator puts his sticky love over mindless matters for the day--once the love has dripped, when he "picks up" his list it gets all over his hands, so he just can't rid of that so-good feeling.

The last stanza and final line are pretty self explanatory.

I wouldn't have thought this poem too abstract, but hey, I wrote it, so I guess I get it.  Haha, thanks everyone who's added this as a favorite and commented, though.  
 — X

I love it all, seriously. One of my favorites. To me, the most straight-forward lines (12-16) appeal to me the most. Hmm, I wonder what that says about me...

Keep it up. I didn't find it too abstract at all. Is there even such a thing as 'too abstract'?
 — mixtapeboy

Fantastic.  Thank you.
 — X

God, I love this one!  What a catchy title!
 — aforbing

Heh, who would've thought my cheesy little pickup line would be received so well--oh, the poem too.  Again, thanks.  I'm still seeking any kind of crit on the poem itself.  I guess the ratings are saying not to change it, which is nice, but perhaps someone could articulate any gripes or perhaps more likes.  Thanks all
 — X

I love the title, and I like what you're saying with it, but I'm not too sure about that chex line.
 — the_recluse

i'm not entirely sure the spacing of open is necessary.
i understand it's almost a literal opening, but it seems so spaced out it's more like "i've got holes in me" rather than "i am open"

haha the chex mix metaphor seems almost too bizarre. the entire time i am trying to figure out the established mood, and i can't find it. i'm not sure if it's necessary, but i thought it'd be nice to have one. chex mix isn't that clever, but it is unexpected and kind of funny...but it's jolting from the rest of it.

"crackled to-do list" is excellent, especially after imagery of sugar sap. i sort of see sap, cracked and dry after it's sat on skin for a long time.

the third stanza is too telling, not enough showing. it would work if it wasn't a mind's eye camera metaphor which seems trite. sound goes platinum could potentially be pretty but is bizarre because "going platinum" is such a pop culture reference.

again i just can't tell what kind of mood you're trying to establish.
i like it, but i might just not get it.
 — unknown

oh, sorry that was me.
 — ileviyou

right on!
 — Isabelle5

i really really like da title.  
 — unknown

I think the chex metaphor is fine, but I have to say this should be higher up than it is.
 — mixtapeboy

good. just straight up good.
 — infinity

Overall I like the poem but I dont think it's quite where it could be. Personally I would change the title.(I'm not sure if looking for my personal suggestions)The first stanza I like due to how the words work together. The overall aliteration is nice. Line 9 to me seems, while applicable, too obvious or too literal. I like lines 12 and 13 but I would revise 'every sound goes platinum'. The intended message flows with your final line but i find the reference to a pop culture idea uncharacteristic of the entire poem. I believe any confusion with mood could easily be cleared up by changing a few words. I'm doing my best to comment on others poetry, I am not going to rate you but I would take a comment over a rating anyday.I hope I helped in some way.
 — zenmaster

line 1 ecclectic*
 — turtlepoet

Heh, no I had it right turtlepoet.  Eclectic.  Look it up.  Thanks anyway.

Everyone else, I'm flirting with the idea of rewording the second stanza--we'll see where that goes.  

Thanks everyone for comments and opinions, I appreciate each and every one.  
 — X

Again, this is beautiful, X. If you're really who you say you are and are 15 years old, then you have just made me feel like a failed poet ;-). The last line is awesome and I love the ending sentence. I think line 13 is 'committing' though, (I'm not sure) and line 5 should be 'crafted'. Other than that, very nice.
 — lonelygirl

I definitely interpreted it differently than how you described.  I saw the first stanza as describing humans in general, and how we live our lives, just searching for meaning, and substance.  'Gripe' made it sound like this was futile.  I liked that.  The second stanza seems like useless passion to me.  The crackled to-do list makes me picture many past loves that have crusted over and this is just another one on top to harden and crack itself, because all it really is is physical attraction.  Also, I think the third line in it ends off-beat, it shouldn't rhyme with the second.  But that's just how I'm reading it.  The last stanza & line I thought just reiiterated the point of the futility of the human life and how every moment means so much to us but we are never satisfied.  No matter how many loves we have, they're never enough, etc.  I loved it.  I agree with whoever said that the spacing in open seems unnecessary.  Maybe italicized or the emphasis just left for the reader to decide.  But it captivated me, and our difference in interpretations just proves how subjective poetry can be.  Nice poem.
 — mashdownbaby

Thank you LonelyGirl, as always.  I did change committing, I can't believe I've been spelling it wrong for so long, and I actually had a punctuation error you brought to my attention as well--I did intend for it to be read with the word "craft", but there should've been a pause after line 4, not 3.  I switched it around, thanks for mentioning that!

And thank you too mashdown.  I have decided to change the format of open.  And you know what?  I never even noticed the couple of necks and chex, but I'll try out a period after necks to change the pace of that stanza.  Thanks again, both of you.
 — X

You have alot on your mind that one can tell just from reading this poem. It has a strong refreshing vibe to it that makes you just want to re-read it just incase you misses something. It like a 'wow' poem. Its very heartfelt; very emotional. Great work.

You're right. Every blink is a snapshot.
 — xxdarlingx

another great poem
 — Odin

This is really bad. By bad, I don't mean good. I mean bad... really bad. The title is the worst part, and the line mix better than chex is horrid. What were you thinking? Would you try to publish this garbage? 's just a bunch of worthlessness hidden behind pretty words. The average high rating reader does not understand, so they think it must be *genius*.
 — unknown

the comment of the unknown above me is so scathingly harsh. Why spit petty venom? What about netiquette-- you know, courtesy, tact. Why can't you be civilized. You comment ONLY on your atrocious manners and your spiteful mind.
 — unknown

very creative. i like.
 — xChelseax

I really like the first six lines.
  Actually, I really like the entire poem. Your voice shifts perfectly between each stanza, yet you still retain the flow. The humor is also nice-not too much, not too little.
 — Hear

WOW dude... WOW
 — starwars

bon. very very good. title is genius
 — Mr_Private

A pleasant revisit from an old ghost.  I still say it's a "10."  
 — starr

I like this, but I'm not sure I really care for the title.  The choice of the word endeavoring also grates me.
Overall, great job.
 — violence

Well thank you again for the comments everyone, I've enjoyed the run this poem has had, and appreciate what all of you did to help make this better over the last month or so.  
 — X

Don't see it myself ,mind you i've been half blind for years.Pretentious.
 — larrylark

line 5, you could ditch the "and".  line 7, rub?.  line 9, what is chex?  line 13, commit?

It's great, I love it.
 — Meep

my bo stinks!
 — unknown

 — unknown

 — Meep

I've come back to this poem, time and time again, and I have to say that every time I read it I like it even more. No suggestions because I like it it just the way it is. Now I feel ready to rate it. Thanks for sharing this unique poem! ;-)
 — redsky

Great Stuff!
 — unknown

well thanks to all of you!  
 — X

interesting poem i like it though
 — unknown

 — X

I like this a lot.

The first stanza seems like it stretches the language-metaphor a bit.
 — Ossan

were one of hate
 — raskolniikov

L9 is horrid.

the rest is a'ight.
 — mandolyn

Line 9 is the best line.
 — unknown

no, it's trying too hard.
 — mandolyn

you have a lot of great writes X.
i visited your page.


 — mandolyn

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