poetry critical

online poetry workshop



The Man on 87th
redsky

The man on the corner of 87th
 1
looks like a rock star.
 2
His hair is spun gold,
 3
highlights streaked by the rebel sun.
 4
He wears sunglasses with yellow tints
 5
in a thick black frame, the kind Bono wore
 6
in the Elevation concert.
 7
On Tuesdays, he flaunts
 8
his Superman t-shirt, primary colors
 9
that shock groggy morning drivers
 10
stalled before a blazing light.
 11
He stands erect,
 12
his ink-stained fingers draping his hip.
 13
As he stares south beyond these traffic
 14
infested streets, I wonder how a Greek god
 15
ends up selling daily news.
 16

14 Dec 05

Rated 9.7 (8.3) by 3 users.
Active (3):
Inactive (10): 3, 4, 7, 7, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10

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(33 more poems by this author)

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Comments:

Lovely... I can picture him perfectly, the last line is similar to the last line of a poem that I wrote though... kind of creepy. Liked it. (9)
 — lonelygirl

i very much like this.

in l2, i think you could even take out avenue. unless that messes up the rhythm, but i think it will be fine.

i don't know why but i made this connection: you have a lot of allusions to modern culture (like Bono and Superman), where usually in poetry there are allusions made to Greek mythology or something of the sort. in the end, though, you do actually say "greek god", which i like.

l13 is my favorite.
 — speedtrials_

thanks for the feedback.
 — redsky

Great poem! I will be back to comment further when I log in next. I wanted to compliment you on your gracious comments. You give so generously of your time, thought and attention. You're an excellent poet, and a very fine person as well. People like you are far too few.

g in
m
 — unknown

are you related to netsky?
 — ducktape

To rate + comment fully now would present...... a conflict of interests or the suggestion of a second agenda.

a demain!  unknown just above
 — unknown

No duck, there's no relation to netsky. As for you unkn, any critique is welcomed. Don't believe there's any second agenda or is there?
 — redsky

haha! A FUNY ENDING. wel written poem. you could have used some rhyme to make the poem easier to read
but its good
 — linush

thanks lin, point duly noted.
 — redsky

A nice piece, here are some suggestions for your consideration.

L1 - I don’t think you need ‘The man’
L2 -  add ‘he’ to the beginning
L3 – delete ‘He’
L4 – delete ‘He wears’
L12 – replace with statuesque?
L13 – swap ‘draping’ for ‘trace’
L14 – delete ‘As’ and change ‘these’ for ‘the’ and perhaps something more metaphoric for traffic?
L15-16 - Good close
 — hobby

sorry meant 'his' not 'he' on three
hair spun gold
highlights streaked by......
 — hobby

very striking portrait, a perfext palette of colours. Your own inquiring voice inserts itself beautifully at the end. I love the "rebel sun" image but I'm not sure it blends with the overall sketch. Other than that,  your lexical choices are simply elegant.
********* (9)
 — graceinmtl

Thanks for your suggestions hobby!
And thank you grace for your comments!
 — redsky

l16- I believe it could be grammatically correct either way, I would like to see it as *ended up


gorgeous description though  "rebel sun"
 — Cloudless

This is wonderful.  The imagry is amazing, I can almost see him right now.  I wouldn't change a thing.  This is great.  (9)
 — fallinforyou

i can see him perfectly, its awsome, i really like the descriptions for the superman shirt, spun gold hair with the rebel sun streaks and the sunglasses. golden child!
 — monarch

Wow.  Really creative topic there!  I think it's very well written, but what stands it apart from other poems is that you are so descriptive.  Keep up the good work!
 — OwlGirl

I like this very much. I guess you have seenthis guy plentyof times.
 — timbosys

I don't know what edits you may have made since original post of this poem due to comments, but in my own read, it feels close enough to perfect to me.  I always read poems aloud because in that way it feels to feel the actual accent of certain words and line breaks as written rather than in my head, and I wouldn't over-edit striving for a sense of an unknown "perfection" by this poem.  The poem isn't written of a perfect man, but your images convey a sense of the "godliness" of this unknown as to see him through your light.  Changing words and dropping too much for the sake of brevity could lose that balance of peeking into this individual you have made the reader privy to.  

well-written and enjoyed the read.  I'm fairly new here and don't yet understand the rating system, so please forgive me if you feel shortchanged.  I don't know the scale, but assuming 1 through 10...so you have my 10 on this poem.  Now you can come back and tell me the scale is 1 through 100, right?  :)

Jo
 — NoWayJo

I like line 10, the sounds work well together.  I would like a little more description NOT relying on preformed concepts like the glasses that Bono wears or looking like a rockstar.  Those terms are a little vague, but I really like the ending...I usually wouldn't equate rockstars with Greek God types, so it made me read the poem again to see if I missed something.  

Perhaps the point is to make a greek god out of an everyman, but if not, is there some redeeming, yet subtle, quality that the man could have?
 — marshponds

He ended up selling papers because he's all style and no substance

Larry substantial Lark
 — larrylark

wow. speechless
 — psychofemale

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