a leaf i think
lifted from dusty street
fluttered up in flight right
by me and a bird
flew all the way over the city
toward the sea
do not know it landed
did know i watched
28 Dec 05
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sycamore, i think
lifted from the
fluttered up in flight
right by a bird and I.
flew all over the city;
toward the sea,
don't know if it landed--
did it know
i like this. it is quirky and quirky is good. unique, original idea with solid content. nicely done!
p.s-what does the title mean?
it's alright i figured it out.
I like it a lot, and I like it right away.
I dont know why the linefeed after 5.
Without it, its easier for both you and the bird to fly.
And my only other thought is that you can cram 20-30% more of something
into the last two lines. Not necessary but possible.
I like yours better than the rewrite below,
but as long as suggestions are being thrown:
"lifted dust right from the street"
Love this! One change? Take out the 'and' in line five. Bravo!
No sorry! I meant take out "a" in line five. "by me and bird"
Love the way you wrote this. It's so calm.
liked the contemplative, the isolation.
L8 feels it's missing a word
I know this is meant to be a flowy read but it'd actually read much better if you'd use punctuation. I like the way you wrote this... it's a bit choppy yet elegantly smooth, just like falling leaves! Nice poem...
oh. pretty. chartreuse bird. i prefer the present tense. at least in parts. and does rather than do in 8 [only maybe]. in 5 i thought removing and was a good idea even if the reader meant a.
my favourite thing was the accent over the o. truly it is a thing of beauty.
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