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Night Vision
larrylark

The car turned round the bend,
 1
headlight caught the mess.
 2
"Oh my God, its horrendous!"
 3
Carcass of a rook in the road
 4
crushed into the tarmac stones,
 5
except its a black umbrella,
 6
spikey spine stuck up
 7
like an obscene claw
 8
waving in your mind, while its black cloth
 9
slowly ripples in the wet wind
 10
like the headlit shadow of a fluttering moth.
 11
 
 
We shall always have rain,
 12
just as rooks will be reluctant to leave
 13
a disembowelled hare,lying carelessly
 14
beneath a mangled umbrella,
 15
while spray from vehicles hangs across
 16
a highway stretching endlessly away.
 17

14 Jan 06


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Comments:

l4 carcass
broken, abandoned umbrellas make me sad, too, for some reason.
L11 doesn't do much for me.  I would say either scrap it or heavily reword/resimile.
"never-ending highway" in L17 is a little too over-the-top emo for me, but I understand what you mean, and I have no suggestions for what could improve that stanza.  
 — jerotich

Dear jerotich

I have acted on your excellent suggestions though i'm not sure to what effect.
 — larrylark

nice.
 — listen

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