poetry critical

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Night Vision

The car turned round the bend,
headlight caught the mess.
"Oh my God, its horrendous!"
Carcass of a rook in the road
crushed into the tarmac stones,
except its a black umbrella,
spikey spine stuck up
like an obscene claw
waving in your mind, while its black cloth
slowly ripples in the wet wind
like the headlit shadow of a fluttering moth.
We shall always have rain,
just as rooks will be reluctant to leave
a disembowelled hare,lying carelessly
beneath a mangled umbrella,
while spray from vehicles hangs across
a highway stretching endlessly away.

14 Jan 06

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l4 carcass
broken, abandoned umbrellas make me sad, too, for some reason.
L11 doesn't do much for me.  I would say either scrap it or heavily reword/resimile.
"never-ending highway" in L17 is a little too over-the-top emo for me, but I understand what you mean, and I have no suggestions for what could improve that stanza.  
 — jerotich

Dear jerotich

I have acted on your excellent suggestions though i'm not sure to what effect.
 — larrylark

 — listen