poetry critical

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pine
hank

we built a raft to float upon
 1
that calm landlocked water
 2
pressure treated pine and
 3
twenty penny nails
 4
so heavy when complete that
 5
to drag it down the shore
 6
we could only lift a corner
 7
and by so doing flexed it
 8
just enough so that
 9
when i ran upon it from the beach
 10
the head of that twenty penny
 11
that had worked its way up
 12
snagged and ripped a gash in my bare foot
 13
just below the webbing between
 14
my biggest toe and next
 15

17 Jan 06

Rated 10 (8) by 2 users.
Active (2): 10, 10
Inactive (11): 2, 2, 6, 6, 7, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10

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(451 more poems by this author)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

ooh hullo hank...I was just visiting and suddenly there you are.
hug
kitkat
 — unknown

nice poem by the way.  I like lines 2, 4 and 15....have taken them out and kept them seperately in my pocket to remind me of bare feet and floating.
 — unknown

hi kitkat, how's things? monsoon over?
 — hank

it's strange is that something so 'us' is sometimes so scary.
nice poem. blood and water become one.
 — unknown

it's strange that something so 'us' is sometimes so scary.
nice poem. blood and water become one.
 — unknown

hank, this is really terrific.

i could learn something from your poems.

i would imagine you laugh at that notion.
 — root

Hank, this is the first poem I have commented on in a few weeks, I could not resist, this is a jewel.  

The voice of the poem is enticing, clear in a way that makes the references to psecific objects and states also somewhat abstract.  There is a progression to this work, a slow and beautiful, as if strated by a trace of a finger, journey.  No unnecessary words, no forced or obvious references to emotional states, the tone is masterfully crafted, the mataphors span.  I especially enjoyed your choice of format and presentation, works well with the feeling of this poem.  There is an interesting energy shift to this work, the first third of the poem lays out what has already been accomplished, the building of the boat.  The mid part suggests movement, offers a more dynamic, yet comtemplative moments.  Lines 5-8 are especially effective and surprised me pleasantly.  The strength of this poem is not in its obscure imagery but in the ease and beauty with which the language affects the reader, engaging while not being prescpriptive, strong yet not self-referential in its nature.  

This is a bunch of blah, blah, the simple fact of the matter is - a perfectly executed poem, what a treat on a cold and rainy English morning.  What an ease with language.  Thank you for the taste.  

Maria
 — slancho

oh god , if this carries on its going to be like old man or blue spot  , hail the king . Down on your knees plebs and kiss his bloody toe.
Nice poem .
 — unknown

sometimes it pays to wake up early.
 — hank

Not if you don't have enough Oxygen / Guinness .
 — unknown

what if you wake up early and find the morning gone?
 — unknown

morning is relative
 — unknown

yes, i am talking relatively.
 — unknown

if mornings gone then perhaps she didn't like yr performance
 — unknown

indeed. spot on response my friend.
being good enough for a nail to bleed my foot is not my destiny.
 — unknown

tricky getting that last nail in , if you need some help shout .
 — unknown

i got the worm.
 — hank

[     ]    = there's my shout.
and, tequila? or hole?
 — unknown

i see your toe and raise my glass.  beauty, hank.  enough said.
 — chickie

thnks.
 — hank

Hey hank , Great news the cleaner woke me up .
 — sir_I_clan

stop sniffing that cleaner.
 — hank

Can't fathom why this is any good, H.  Perhaps it'll dawn eventually.
 — unknown

can't wait.
 — hank

nice poem hank.
 — varun

hmm. wasn't even me.
 — hank

never is
 — unknown

why is this getting attention that it doesn't need? and now the guy downstairs is yelling, yet again, at his puppy that he thought he wanted.
 — hank

but it's something.
 — hank

maybe because it is a good poem.
screaming at puppies isn't very pleasant now is it!
most people fall into things they don't know if they really want i suppose.
 — unknown

why would anyone get a puppy if they didn't want one?
unjust.
 — unknown

very nice!
 — archie

Hey... Neato.
Not saying too much, but yet SO damn descriptive that I could totally see it.
I guess the only further thing I'd like is some comment on the weather.
Is it sunny and warm?
Are you doing it in the spring when things are green and wet?
Is it Autum and one last hurrah?
that was all that was missing here.
 — aforbing

i love this.
 — listen

Good poem.
 — unknown

I spit on the 2.  Excellent poem, hank.
 — housepoppy

brilliant. just the way it's written; you have a knack for making the simplest things sound amazing.
 — claudia

beautiful!  I usually like poems to have several stanzas, but this is great just the way it is.  I'd only suggest to capitalise the "i", but that's just a pet peeve of mine.  Great work! Definitely deserves a 10.
 — OwlGirl

nice poem
 — noodleman

i don't think i like "complete" as an adjective in 5. i think maybe it would be better to make a verb out of it.

otherwise, right now i think this is fucking stellar.
 — jade

Hi hank

Fine poem,lyrical flow great atmosphere
 — larrylark

this is a fine poem
 — unknown

Evocative and effective, without revealing too much.
 — merytaten

Hideous! I hate blood and the description of injuries. I don't understand how this could be on the top rated. Not terribly poetic or profound or even interesting.
 — unknown

the comment above cracks me up.

there is so much texture in this.  beautiful.
 — unknown

Image of the gash made me cringe.
 — Cloudless

so vile and crass
 — unknown

vile and crass? you're having a laugh.
 — hank

am not. it is. what is poetic about this? it is all a build up to an injury.
 — unknown

i feel sick.
 — unknown

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