we built a raft to float upon
that calm landlocked water
pressure treated pine and
twenty penny nails
so heavy when complete that
to drag it down the shore
we could only lift a corner
and by so doing flexed it
just enough so that
when i ran upon it from the beach
the head of that twenty penny
that had worked its way up
snagged and ripped a gash in my bare foot
just below the webbing between
my biggest toe and next
17 Jan 06
Rated 10 (8) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9, 10, 10
Inactive (11): 2, 2, 6, 6, 7, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10
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ooh hullo hank...I was just visiting and suddenly there you are.
nice poem by the way. I like lines 2, 4 and 15....have taken them out and kept them seperately in my pocket to remind me of bare feet and floating.
hi kitkat, how's things? monsoon over?
it's strange is that something so 'us' is sometimes so scary.
nice poem. blood and water become one.
it's strange that something so 'us' is sometimes so scary.
nice poem. blood and water become one.
hank, this is really terrific.
i could learn something from your poems.
i would imagine you laugh at that notion.
Hank, this is the first poem I have commented on in a few weeks, I could not resist, this is a jewel.
The voice of the poem is enticing, clear in a way that makes the references to psecific objects and states also somewhat abstract. There is a progression to this work, a slow and beautiful, as if strated by a trace of a finger, journey. No unnecessary words, no forced or obvious references to emotional states, the tone is masterfully crafted, the mataphors span. I especially enjoyed your choice of format and presentation, works well with the feeling of this poem. There is an interesting energy shift to this work, the first third of the poem lays out what has already been accomplished, the building of the boat. The mid part suggests movement, offers a more dynamic, yet comtemplative moments. Lines 5-8 are especially effective and surprised me pleasantly. The strength of this poem is not in its obscure imagery but in the ease and beauty with which the language affects the reader, engaging while not being prescpriptive, strong yet not self-referential in its nature.
This is a bunch of blah, blah, the simple fact of the matter is - a perfectly executed poem, what a treat on a cold and rainy English morning. What an ease with language. Thank you for the taste.
oh god , if this carries on its going to be like old man or blue spot , hail the king . Down on your knees plebs and kiss his bloody toe.
Nice poem .
sometimes it pays to wake up early.
Not if you don't have enough Oxygen / Guinness .
what if you wake up early and find the morning gone?
morning is relative
yes, i am talking relatively.
if mornings gone then perhaps she didn't like yr performance
indeed. spot on response my friend.
being good enough for a nail to bleed my foot is not my destiny.
tricky getting that last nail in , if you need some help shout .
i got the worm.
[ ] = there's my shout.
and, tequila? or hole?
i see your toe and raise my glass. beauty, hank. enough said.
Hey hank , Great news the cleaner woke me up .
stop sniffing that cleaner.
Can't fathom why this is any good, H. Perhaps it'll dawn eventually.
nice poem hank.
hmm. wasn't even me.
why is this getting attention that it doesn't need? and now the guy downstairs is yelling, yet again, at his puppy that he thought he wanted.
but it's something.
maybe because it is a good poem.
screaming at puppies isn't very pleasant now is it!
most people fall into things they don't know if they really want i suppose.
why would anyone get a puppy if they didn't want one?
Not saying too much, but yet SO damn descriptive that I could totally see it.
I guess the only further thing I'd like is some comment on the weather.
Is it sunny and warm?
Are you doing it in the spring when things are green and wet?
Is it Autum and one last hurrah?
that was all that was missing here.
i love this.
I spit on the 2. Excellent poem, hank.
brilliant. just the way it's written; you have a knack for making the simplest things sound amazing.
beautiful! I usually like poems to have several stanzas, but this is great just the way it is. I'd only suggest to capitalise the "i", but that's just a pet peeve of mine. Great work! Definitely deserves a 10.
i don't think i like "complete" as an adjective in 5. i think maybe it would be better to make a verb out of it.
otherwise, right now i think this is fucking stellar.
Fine poem,lyrical flow great atmosphere
this is a fine poem
Evocative and effective, without revealing too much.
Hideous! I hate blood and the description of injuries. I don't understand how this could be on the top rated. Not terribly poetic or profound or even interesting.
the comment above cracks me up.
there is so much texture in this. beautiful.
Image of the gash made me cringe.
so vile and crass
vile and crass? you're having a laugh.
am not. it is. what is poetic about this? it is all a build up to an injury.
i feel sick.