poetry critical

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we dream of hermaphrodites and emerald lips
ElegantWaste

we dream of hermaphrodites and emerald lips
 1
on the street we pass prostitutes with hair extensions and tiny Saint Christopher statues hanging from their earlobes.
 2
we look through telescopes to see our future
 3
nothing is strange anymore
 4
nothing is surprising
 5
 
 
just yesterday we were carrying tin lunch pails full of magic and pornography
 6
we smiled like brilliant broken bits of glass glinting against asphalt
 7
when we invented pleasure we were the luckiest people in the world
 8
no one ever told us we were sinners, but we could feel it anyway
 9
 
 
in our city there are boys in miniskirts and buzzcut lesbians dance naked in glass boxes
 10
our lives are like hot water swirling around a tea ball full of queer.
 11
our bodies are red velvet-lined cages holding fertility and desire
 12
sex is like bits of paper melting on our tongues
 13
 
 
we are rock-star-baby-cats and hipster poets burning in our sin
 14
tomorrow we will stop looking for love and find it among the dreamers and the drag queens
 15
nothing will be strange
 16
but everything
 17
will be new
 18

19 Jan 06

Rated 9.5 (7.5) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9
Inactive (50): 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 1, 2, 3, 5, 5, 5, 6, 6, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

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Comments:

Blam.. most entertaining
 — gingerdave

Damn fine poem with a great flow .We don't have anything like this in Preston,I guess it all takes place behind closed doors.
 — larrylark

lots of nice bits that can be something much better!
nostalgia vs disappointment vs hope is too confusing.
you already experienced the world as your oyster in pt2.
and sound like youre quite satisfied in pt3.
why hold out for even more oyster in pt4?  
the emotion is not convincing at the end.

l2 doesnt do anything for me.
but l3 pulls me forward.
you could strike we were children once.
how about glinting from asphalt, as it does.
in l9 you could strike anyway.
if you are going to end l10 with who will never understand, then you should explain a bit further- do you pity those men?  what dont they understand?  do you?  does that make you cool?  is the reader supposed to understand?  who are you to say they will NEVER understand?  its distracting.  id just end it at men.
buzz-cut.  or better, buzzcut.  or best buzcut!
teabag full of queer is marvelous.  almost too much!
l12 sounds too technical and not convincing.
but then youre right back on track in l13.
dreaming of hermaphrodites is pretty strong.  i think one occurrance is more than enough.
its not clear why you mention marriage.
i think you can also get away without having to repeat naked lesbians.  i prefer the first one.
 — gnormal

The last four lines were a little disapointing; but the rest is really interesting.
line 15 is my favourite
 — mr_e

!
 — unknown

ok...different now
 — ElegantWaste

again you've stunned me.  i love this.  a favorite
 — woman_power

I love this.
10-13 is a beautiful stanza,
"tea ball full of queer" is just too good :-)
Line 2 seems a bit long, but I love what is describes.
 — Krttika

I don't have much to say aside from this is wonderful. The first line is bound to catch anyone's attention. Is line 5 really essential to the rest of the piece? I like how you use the 'nothing will be strange' idea again later in the poem, but 'nothing is surprsing' is a little distracting. I think you portrayed the idea and don't need to continue to explain it.

Lines 14-18 wrap everything up so perfectly. Definitely one of the more memorable poems I've read over the last few months.
 — mixtapeboy

l14- shouldn't it be our sin?
 — Cloudless

wow thanks everyone! I'm glad you enjoyed it.
 — ElegantWaste

This thing rocks my world
 — monkeysaw

the mood intoxicates; the words enchant
 — borntodance

Smooth delivery and interesting plot.  I like.
 — Mithrandir

I'm going crazy with exctasy from your wild assed poems... seemingly wild-assed... but really so increadibly down to earth.
 — unknown

In line 10 it seems you left out a 'who' before dance. I don't like line 5, you should cut it. I think the first two stanzas are the strongest; the last two leave me unfulfilled.

Line 7 rocks my socks off. Great gaudy imagery. If this were a movie scene it would look like Fight Club or Requeim for a Dream - gritty and harsh with vivid colors and hand-held close-ups. Nice job.
 — Maela

wow. could easily have turned cliche, but i like this.
 — ruyi

I didn't even get all the way through the poem before I had to come down here, rate it a 10, and favorite it.

Thank you.
 — OKcomputer

"when we invented pleasure" is honestly one of the best phrases I've ever encountered in the whole of art, much less just poetry.  Brilliant.  Absolutely.
 — JackDeath

Its very random, and I think its up on Top Rated because of a few lines people like, but to me it fails to connect and carry a message all the way through.

To me this feels more like a draft than a finished product.  As a draft, probably better than a lot of what's out there, but don't stop working on it just because its so well-received.

I think the most important thing is that you don't convince me that you're convinced of what you're talking about;  You write well enough about it, but there are some holes that ought to be filled, or filled out at least.

Nonetheless, an enjoyable read.  Thanks.
 — kite

Try some punctuation, and this would be worth it.

-MEB
 — unknown

Real love, real people within? Wow too much at the moment but amazing! A poem I recently posted, I think, fits complimentarily with yours. A Prime. Wo, is this me writing to you or you communicating with me through my writing to you?! Makes you wonder, someone said, as does your poem. I saw the title as I signed off. How Bassy! (C)
 — unknown

this was really enjoyable. the imagery is beautiful. i like. :)
 — missmurder

Wow. I like it.
 — unknown

i absolutely fell in love with this poem. brilliant. this is what i strive to be
 — splitends

this is one of the best poems i've read- i like the imagery- line 12 in particular seems so graphic, yet distantly metaphorical or sumthing. glad i stumbled across this poem.
 — polka

like it
 — ProzacNation

Good. Sounds like a Poet's Narrative of Society (PNS, I'm inventing that category here and now and reserve it for public use, ha ha!) which I love writing.
I like 4 and 5.
Beautiful letter usage in line 7. (I don't know why but I'm in love with letter combination repitition, I just don't know what you call it when it's not alliteration, assonance, or rhyming.)
I like lines 11, 15, and 2 for the same reasons.
Particularly the "t"s sold me line 2.
I also like line 9.
Overall I think its great.
 — TheHarlequin

Our millenial Carl Sandburg has arrived.
 — aurelius

SOMEONE PLEASE INTERPRET THIS POEM BECAUSE I DONT THINK ANYOF YOU HAVE A BLOODY CLUE
 — unknown

this makes whitman seem literate. a ten, because i don't care.
 — mikebauer

    
we are rock-star-baby-cats and hipster poets burning in our sin

Amazing.
 — unknown

it reminds me of Naked Lunch
 — unknown

wonderfully hallucinagenic - playful and full of excitment

it was the emerald lips that drew me to this piece - but after reading through it ( and enjoying the lack of punctuation i have to say ) and being reminded of good times in Amsterdam - this piece has a lovely innocent and child-like wonder about it

gorgeous in places - well written observations in others :)

good stuff!

-Mong-
 — Mongrol

incredible.. defines more than one aspect of our lives in generation X. provocative and plainly honest, i am in love with this poem
 — humblebee

your poem made me delighted to read it.
 — skxe

this is a wonderful poem, i am speach - less , i think the same as maxtapeboy , it has a great flow and a cool chie

ROCK ON MAN!!! YAAAAAAAAHH
 — sing

ElegantWaste is one of my favourite poets on this site. I want to read her again and again
 — PollyReg

spoken from inside prophetic bones.
This is cinema.
beautiful.
 — banditfemme

hmm
thatsanicepoem
but a little heavily modified, in spots. makes it seem a tad contrived, pretentious, "poemy". i've studied a bit, here, and (though i surely don't expect any alteration to your fine poem) i find that i would make some changes to the order in which the words appear, thereby making it less-modified-seeming, without losing the message.

we smiled broken and brilliant, like bits

our lives are hot like water (by the way, what is tea ball? child's game?)

velvet-lined, our bodies are red cages

neat!
 — chuckles

oh yeah
whaddaya think of lesbians dance naked in glass cubicles?
they're in our city, right?
 — chuckles

gorgeous. 7 + 14 are absolutely fabulous, the descriptions throughout the entirety of the poem is wondrous.
 — overdose

More good lines than weak
 — poetbill

this is my favorite poem on this site, easy.
 — uncjaf

I might change lines 4 and 5 to

nothing is strange
nothing suprising.

anymore and the second is seem a bit-cumbersome

-jacob
 — uncjaf

There is a passage in Deuteronomy where it clearly states that men are not to wear the clothes that women wear. Don't for a second think that crossdressing is okay. It isn't! I am very surprised this piece went over so famously. Sin attracts the masses I guess.
 — Reverend

you're actually ridiculous. I have no words.
 — ElegantWaste

yes, rev, but molasses attract flies, and here you are playing in shit. why? -- ummm, oh, yah, it's cause you can get away with it.
 — joey

wtf reverend?
God did not tell 'us' how to dress so what is cross dressing in God's eyes?
 — unknown

at first, I was worried that this poem was written merely for the shock value....but, fuck that, I like it. :)
 — Sequiturist

line 7 is over-thought and overwrought.

Still, a lovely read.
 — DianaTrees

well you cant say this wasnt interesting and held attention
 — psychofemale

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