poetry critical

online poetry workshop

The Gemini Club [No Girls Allowed]

The rusting truck rests
among the dandelions
as my brothers speak
quietly of flying saucers
alien-landings and girls
voices raised only briefly
to quiet a dog's barking
before two heads return
to whisper once again
red hair dry prairie grass
tufts tousled by the breeze
which carries Mum's voice
at the first sign of nightfall
down the narrow pathway
just wide enough for two
to walk in conspiratorial silence
leaving me to follow behind.

19 Jan 06

Rated 10 (8.2) by 1 users.
Active (1): 6, 10
Inactive (23): 1, 1, 1, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)
(158 more poems by this author)

(3 users consider this poem a favorite)

Add A Comment:
Enter the following text to post as unknown: captcha


 — gingerdave

i wrote it for boys with red hair.
 — bettalpha

This is a truly wonderful poem.What a sense of time and place you evoke and such atmosphere. Your poem took me somewhere i thought i had long forgotten about.

Larry far far away Lark
 — larrylark

thank you thank you thank you. i love larks and whales today.
 — bettalpha

Love this.
 — Krttika

Ah! I see that you're extraordinary at long as well. I've recovered from my snow-blindness and delighted to see you're up + posting
 — borntodance

conspiratorial silence in line 16, conspiritol is not a word.

Other than that, this is so nice!  I am just intrigued that you can do this entire thing without needing a comma or a period!  Amazing!
 — Isabelle5

now I'm all nostalgic.

thank you very very much
 — turkishdeli

good catch isabelle. the poem was too short and narrow to support punctuation.
 — bettalpha

borntodance. did you find the poem behind the whiteout?
 — bettalpha

thank you for your words turkishdeli and krittika
 — bettalpha

not much to say. i just like reading it.  the first half i like better.  it seems simpler.  i can feel it more and read it without thinking too much.  
2 fitting down the "narrow pathway" touching back to the title is nice.  making you the little sister.  the word dog sitting so close, i think you should stick furry right in the middle of l8!
 — gnormal

Actually, I did find the poem, but not on my first visit. It's magnificent.  I will return and comment soon.
 — borntodance

quite enjoyed this one!

 — themolly

Love this. a great sense of the outdoors and youth and home. i'd like it even more without the last line. not sure why, maybe 3's a crowd?
 — Locanther

I like this - can't say why but it sort of leaves the reader delving beneath the surface
 — Mercedes

ok , lesson learnt . no banned words and no soul ,
get your kisses ready , I've got the kipper .
 — sir_I_clan

i'm a girl. my name is gemini. true story.

I find your title hilarious.
 — thirdeyris

beautiful. really well done. the images are amazing
love 10-12 and 16-17
 — topop

I wondered when you were gonna notice this Gem (aka thirdeyris).

bettalpha, this is neat! I can totally see the scene.

How come you didn't use stanzas? I keep reading 5/6 as "girls' voices." Actually, stanzas wouldn't work. What about a dash after "girls"? Just a thought.
 — Maela

good poem.
 — noodleman

thank you for your words maela
i added the dash

you asked a good question
to which i only have an airy answer
i don't use stanzas when i think in
chronological order or write mini-movies
on childhood related themes
or umm
vignette-like scenes
or much at all now i think about it
i suddenly feel self-concious

you might like
in a similar style,
and theme.
 — bettalpha

Oh! Don't feel self-conscious - it was a completely guileless question, for I am new to poetry.

I will check out "Driftwood" now. :)
 — Maela

very pretty you definately earned a 10. I honestly say, i get tired of too many angry poems (at the poetry slams i go to) this one is very peaceful, I like it.
 — katt

Well, I can say I have not any great enthusiasm this exercise, which appears to have no more distinction than a badly written office memo.  

It may possibly be intended to be in childish language, however lines 6 and 7 are decidedly so.

“voices raised only briefly
to quiet a dog's barking” what does that mean

Did you perhaps mean?

their voices rose briefly
to quieten a dog from barking.

Voices rising briefly
To quieten a dog’s bark

Or to
To quieten their dog’s barking.

Did two heads really whisper again red hair in line ten?

I am rather confused at the numerical content of the poem

If there were two brothers, and presumably one sister,
Were did the girls voices come from

 — Mor

I felt like Opie's little sister. Very good.

 — unknown

It has an unexplicable likeness to it...
 — BrokenWords

This is great! Well done!
 — livedeeply

Wow!  What a great poem and one that is deserving of the #1 spot.  Congratulations!
 — starr

I like it.  
 — Ed2039

Wow.  I really like this poem a lot.  You give a really good visual throughout the poem, especially in lines 15-17, and I can't help but relate.  Nice work.
 — SoDelGirl

hurray for you!
flying saucers and girls!
 — gnormal

 — Tentative

Very nice poem.

As a male Gemini, I want in the club.
 — rocket

Recent Best (expand)