Comments:
terribly sad
lovely
i'd cut one 'let me go' -- deafen the echo -- so to speak
— unknown
i was thinking about that, unknown.
now i feel better about cutting one out!
thanks for your fast comment!
midare
— midare
beautiful poem midare. your work is so quiet and peaceful and expressive.
in line 6, maybe you could do without 'and'?
— unknown
ah, this is beautiful writing
short, cutting, like thunder on a summer's day
your use of verbs is truly well done, eyes "open," then the tress "unfold" but also, so many other things can unfold, I can imagine. Then "unfirl, unwind," there is a feeling of urgency here, a succession of events, something like a tearing away. Is the author watching all this from a distance? I agree with unknown that you could do, perhaps, without the "and" in line 6. The last three lines - nice juxtaposition in so few words, "split hues break into rejoinder."
Thank you, this is very well done, I will savor it on this Saturday morning. Your poetry makes me shudder, all I can do is take a step back before I hurl full force in it. So rare ...
Maria
— slancho
thanks, second unknown and maria!
i eliminated the 'and' from line 6. the whole pome
seems leaner and reads better without it there.
thanks for pointing that out to me!
smile
midare
— midare
i really like this poem. it isn't simple but it is spare. which fits the theme well. whoever said to only use one 'let me go' was right because that's what i noticed about it.
— stint
thank you, stint. :)
— midare
nice.
l6 "into"? or maybe "onto" instead?
good rhythm in this piece. unfold, unfurl, unwind. good beat.
— inebriated
Almost an ancient oriental feel. (which i always enjoy)
— Locanther
very nice poem.
one day fore me b'day.
how are you?
— unknown
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