poetry critical

online poetry workshop



June 30th
misspanda

you, tender
 1
me, tenderer still
 2
down in the long, tall witchgrass where you professed your everlasting love
 3
in the simple terms of a creek trickle,
 4
and then handed me a sour-apple popsicle.
 5
 
 
 
 
...is there such a thing as raw love?
 6
seared and bruised and cut and dried out,
 7
(but always, always there)
 8
my punch-drunken and misled affectations carving tell-tale fever marks
 9
onto your bright, fresh heart.
 10
 
 
 
 
tears of tacit remarks trail unchecked through the shadows,
 11
and the more you understood
 12
the less I comprehended
 13
trample-dancing, you tugged and pulled until you got
 14
the piece of my heart you'd forgotten not to fall for,
 15
 
 
 
 
and I wondered what you meant when you said you loved me.
 16

30 Jan 06

Rated 9 (9) by 1 users.
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Comments:

still fixing this... desperate for a better ending!


so yes.. i'm still working on it 8)
 — misspanda

I like this playful nostalgic spirit. The formatting suits it well. I think you can improve upon line 11 1/2

always never wanted  ( sounds a bit of a compromise line)

Delicious poem, though. I will return.

c'est tres jolie, quand meme

Grace
 — unknown

tres triste, mon ami
 — unknown

very Jackie Collins.
 — unknown

I love this!
 — unknown

GOOD WORDS. CUT A FEW AND REBREAK. NICE.
 — noodleman

thaannk yoouu everyone!

8)
 — misspanda

anymore?
 — misspanda

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