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noodleman
| où êtes-vous mes fils? | 1 |
où êtes-vous, mes fils? | 2 |
creuser dans la poussière | 3 |
fertile; | 4 |
avez-vous jamais vu | 5 |
tant d'étoiles | 6 |
de tir à l'aube? | 7 |
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où êtes-vous, mes filles? | 8 |
où êtes-vous, mes filles? | 9 |
édredons de rapiéçage | 10 |
de cramoisis; | 11 |
fils en soie, gaze molle | 12 |
et aiguilles en acier | 13 |
sous le soleil de midi. | 14 |
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où êtes-vous, mes frères? | 15 |
où êtes-vous, mes soeurs? | 16 |
danser au battement | 17 |
de staccato; | 18 |
yeux clignotant, corps tourbillonnant | 19 |
comme des dervishes dans la nuit | 20 |
croquante de désert. | 21 |
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où êtes-vous, nos père? | 22 |
où êtes-vous, nos père? | 23 |
compte des grains | 24 |
de sable; | 25 |
blanc, brun et écarlate | 26 |
pourquoi ayez-vous | 27 |
abandoné nous? | 28 |
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où êtes-vous? | 29 |
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30 Jan 06 |
Rated 9 (8.2) by 4 users.
Active (4): 1, 5, 8, 10
Inactive (12): 1, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(15 more poems by this author)
(4 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Comments:
touching!
merci bobo cooooooooo
— unknown
merci. est ce-que vous avez compris?
— noodleman
please let me know also if anyone gets the dark humor.
that's assuming you get past the french and the metaphors.
i am probably asking too much of pc with this.
i dont care.
— noodleman
i'm not sure that i completely understood this one (but then again i dont understand most french poetry right off the bat, even in school :P)
L1, is there supposed to be a comma after "vous"?
the repetition in this poem works really well acutally.. usually im not one for repetition, but its well done here...
i like the first stanza most, especially "poussière fertile"... "gaze molle" is really good too
L25 i think its "de sable"
L26 maybe a comma at the end?
L27-28 not sure if that's the proper structure, grammatically speaking...
i was skeptical when i read the title to this because ive seen a lot of butchering of the french language (one of my fluently spoken languages because of my background) here on pc.. but i was pleasantly surpsied by this.. as i said, im not too sure what it "all" means quite yet, but i'll be sure to come back to it at some point...
— gears
merci. est ce-que vous avez compris? *** mais wee!!!
mone fill
— unknown
sorry can't read french
— marieF
Ca me fait penser du Maroc, du desert, des berbers, avez-vous jamais y aller? Ou etes vous, mes mots juste? Mais ils sont tous la, meme en absence, n'est-ce pas? Tous ce qui t'appelles.
Je pense pas que ca c'est trop pour les gens de PC, nous lisons le francais. La prochaine fois, j'ecrivai une poeme en bulgare, simplement parce que je peux le faire, non?
Bien fait, noodles,
Maria
— slancho
thanks slancho. :)
— noodleman
ceci bon
— unknown
I'm glad of the translation. Not the Noodleman we have come to expect. I like a lot!
— unknown
I know you hate it when someone just gives praise and no assistance, but... you'll find no criticism from me. Sorry.
Do you write music? I mean it in a good way when I say this is could be a song.
— housepoppy
it was written as a song, poppy. :)
you are the mostest insighterful personage i know!
— unknown
do you prefer the cadence of the french or the english just curious cat
— noodleman
nouille mon pote pate, qu'est ce que tu fait la, hein?
c'est creusent en 3
la phrase pour "shooting stars" est "etoiles filantes"
dans la deuxieme strophe. il te manque le verbe "coudre"
en france nous utilisent "patchwork" seule pour decrire un "patchwork quilt"
mais je pense ici que c'est une privilege artistique. non.
17 dansent.
18 pas besoin de "de"
moi je trouve l'usage de "clignotant" tres tres drole.
parce-que il a un double usage
pourquoi pas essayer un verbe comme barioler?
et pour croquant peut-etre essayer croustillant,
mais je dirai qu'un simple traduction du mot n'est pas suffisant ici,
le francais a peut etre moins de mots desriptives que l'anglais
mais tu trouveras facilement mieux.
24 comptent
25 et c'est "de sable"
c'est pas mal.
j'aime pas trop la repetition en poesie
mais en chant ca va.
— kaleidazcope
pourquoi pas essayer un verbe comme barioler?
hint: Paris-Dakar
— unknown
i don't know anything about the paris-dakar rally.
i didn't even consider this is what this was about.
i hate cars. bleurgh. barf. i hate your tricky ways.
i shall never forgive you for making me read about cars. again.
and change du sable. before i throw a very french tantrum at you.
pout.
kaleidazcope
— unknown
Wish I had kept up with my French. The English is lovely, too.
— Isabelle5
ah, but kaleiazcope dear this is a lament about the many africans killed by stupid cars in the stupid rally. i wrote this in response to some idiot who though the lives of children were worth a little entertanment for rich white guys.
*bisous*
-noodle
— noodleman
fooey. now youve gone away.
— noodleman
nice to see you back.
this is good, as always. in fact it's perfect.
— listen
thnks lstn! i got yr email bt i deletd allmy emails bymistake b-cus i goofed. imsorry. :(
— noodleman
you know. i wouldn't have known
this poem was about the paris-dakar rally
if you hadn't said
so this isn't about the paris -dakar rally.
and i lust after your alice band again.
why is the translation in the present continuous and the french not?
bisous au parfum de myrtilles
— kaleidazcope
[pulls on her hong kong phooey t-shirt and matching pants]
it's delicious when clothing decisions are taken for you from across the other side of the world.
— kaleidazcope
number 1 super dog! :D
— noodleman
it has given usually shifty looking commuters an excuse to stare openly at my tits.
kaleidazcope.
— unknown
i can see them from here
— noodleman
aye lad. i'm not called biancaneve for nothing.
kaleidazcope
— unknown
O’ hippocras, o’ hippocras,
were be thy scarlet grains alas
rich tokens for the vineyard’s wise
Those scarlet grain’s of paradise.
Au royaume des aveugles les borgnes sont rois.
Morchuis.
— Mor
Oui. c'est vrai, morchuis. tres drole, non?
— noodleman
formidable!
yours
formeldahyde
— unknown
It's sorta..dull.
— MissMay
DONT MISTAKE YOUR OWN DULLNESS FOR MY POEMS'
— noodleman
yeah!!!!
— unknown
This poem, without the French version, is shit. Pure and utter excrement. But I like it in french, so just cut the translation.
— unknown
i liked the translation, and thought it was necessary to convey your poetry to the majority of this site who doen't speak french.
ie, i liked this poem when i could understand it. now, i'm not so sure.
— inutile
Good, now it's in its purest essence. I love this!
— unknown
try googlie translator. it'll give you the gist of it. i love you inutile but i see unknown's point.
eh, its just a frickin pome anyway,
noodleman
— noodleman
I'm so glad that I have a point! Maybe just post the translation as a comment, then people can soak it in, consider it, and THEN read the English version…
— unknown
yes, and i agree with unknown myself, but i still stand with my own opinion, too. when people say you must tranlsate and interpret poetry, i believed they don't mean it literally.
but i was also thinking of you, if no one can understand it, how can they critique, comment and rate? but hey, it's you, who are worshipped by all (or most) on this site, you don't need to write a good poem (or even a readable poem) to get 10s from all your followers, and 1s from all your jealous subjects.
— inutile
so in your estimation this is not a good poem?
i appreciate your thinking of me. :)
— noodleman
i was being general, speaking hypothetically (or however you spell it).
as i said before, i liked the poem. consider your ego stroked by me.
— inutile
thanks for the stroking it feels smoking
— noodleman
since you removed the translation of the poem, you could remove the translation of the title. and also, you can remove the "french poetry", unless we are all really stupid, we can obviously see for ourselves.
— inutile
d'accord
— noodleman
ich liebe dich, scheißekopf (eh, it's one of the few foreign phrases i know)
lia wrote a found poem for you, ages ago. did you ever read it? i reposted it.
— inutile
i love you too but scheißekopf should be capitalised. s'a german noun.
— noodleman
i know it should be. but i don't like capitals.
— inutile
ok
— noodleman
Je suis bilingue and the first fois that ever seen corrections of corrections that are le français indigestible - I'm always very receptive to your poetry noodles, but please don't attempt to write in another language if you don't have near native mastery of it - it comes across as patronising - its like a totally literal translation doene by one of those online thingummies - please get it checked properly first. It also bears no realtion to the cadence of the language at all - no-one French would ever utter 'ou etes vous?' knowingly in a song or poem - its far too clumsy - sorry to be so condemning - I just can't get past the massacre de langue.
Best
Opal
— unknown
*shrug*
— unknown
thanks opal for some critiquing. the bandwagon groupie frenzy on this site can plunge anyone to self adulation.
pardon me while i go comment on my poems.
— unknown
thanks, opal, i think. i didn't use an online thingie. those are pretty bad.
as far as writing in another language if one hasn't a mastery of it, i respectfully disagree. i am learning french right now, and it seems to me that it is rather a good exercise to attempt to go beyond the everyday drivel (bonjour, comment allez-vous) and actually use the language. i enjoyed writing this, as flawed as i am sure it is, and i will surely attempt another one.
as far as my cadence and word order are concerned, i am certain (as kaleidazcope has said also) that i write like an anglophone. it is my native language, and i don't yet have the sort of 'online parser' if you will, that a fluent person has, that is able to easily reconstruct structure.
thanks for reading all the same, and i am sorry that my attempt at something new has bothered you so much. it wont stop me from persevering, though. i hope you will read further attempts and let me know if i improve.
yours truly,
noodleman
— noodleman
ps: didn't mean to patronize. s'not my style. just like to try new stuff.
— noodleman
pps: my french teacher appreciated that i tried something out of the ordinary with what she was teaching.
ppps: this wasn't an assignment
ppppps: im glad you're not my french professor. i'd take an english lit class from you however, any ol day
— noodleman
La prochaine fois, j'ecrivai une poeme en bulgare, simplement parce que je peux le faire, non? ****
por que no lo escribas en castellano? no. no.
arabic?
yes. write in arab.
actually. write this in arab.
no. forget that. go jamaican. write it in jamaican?
no. forget that.
write it in jewish?
no. forget that.
write it in praque. yah
tha'ts it -- write in praque.
prague
no. bela rus. yah. bela rus. for sure.
no. write it in american
Je suis Madame Couscous avec Ragout avec Poulenc Rouge
— unknown
mais.... c'est formidable. Je suis un(e) francophile.
— unknown
merci pour le cinq
— noodleman
write it outdoors.
— Meep
je suis desole je m'aime.
— unknown
i can't read it....so yea i dont like it
— crazykiller
ha, what did i say?
— inutile
formidable! felicitations mon homme/ma fille! tres bien et il n'est pas enneuax. j'aime parle francais. you may need to translate it for others though
— TheHarlequin
jesus
— unknown
ah fuckit im gon try italian nex
— noodleman
meh, i did binary code for the computer nerds. my actualy poem wasn't as good though.
you can never make everyone happy, just do what you want, and pee on the people who complain (excepting me, of course)
— inutile
ok i not p on yu
— noodleman
où êtes-vous?
I am a 2
apparently.
— unknown
Save yourself for me, noodie.
— unknown
I can read, like, half of this.
Fucking French class hardly teaches me shit.
— FangzOfFire
merci pour les 1's
— noodleman
Où avez-vous été toute ma vie, mon homme nouilles?
— zackrabbit
Une meilleure maîtrise du français s'impose afin de véhiculer adéquatement le caractère moribonde de ce soit disant poème.
— Fox
this is funny, and i don't know if you mean it so. maybe it's just funny translating it into american, and maybe in amorica it's funny to say steel needles in the afternoon son's sunny arm? it's too wordy for prevert, maybe? or maybe prevert wanting to sound like jacques prevert for a state awards dinner? sais paw.
— joey
Vous vouliez dire, > ou >?
Bah pourquoi vous vous servez du subjonctif au 27eme vers?
— UpAndDown
Erreur d'ordinateur... je voulais dire "notre pere" ou "nos peres" y a un probleme aux vers 22-23.
— UpAndDown
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