| |_|_|_|closed windows|_|_|_|
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gears
| . and then the | 1 |
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[c] [l] [o] [s] [e] [d] | 2 |
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w w | 3 |
i o | 4 |
n d | 5 |
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t | 6 |
o | 7 |
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my | 8 |
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s = o = u = l | 9 |
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opened and | 10 |
un fo l | 11 |
d | 12 |
e | 13 |
d | 14 |
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and i could divide the darkness into | 15 |
a grid, _|_|_|_|_|_|_|_mapped out by | 16 |
_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_ | 17 |
|_|_|_|_|_phosphorescent|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_ | 18 |
|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|incandescent | 19 |
|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_| | 20 |
|_|_|evanescent|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_| | 21 |
|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_|_| | 22 |
furrows. | 23 |
and balance, | 24 |
balance____________________upon them: | 25 |
your staggering feet, dancing | 26 |
over my eyelids. | 27 |
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your eyes devour my ethereal stare; | 28 |
your lips | 29 |
your mouth | 30 |
tastes | 31 |
mine. | 32 |
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you say that i should keep my eyes open more often, | 33 |
but how can i when i’m sleeping? | 34 |
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5 Feb 06 |
Rated 8.5 (8.2) by 4 users.
Active (4): 2, 9
Inactive (12): 1, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(10 more poems by this author)
(6 users consider this poem a favorite)
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Add A Comment:
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Comments:
Impressive layout. Looks real cool
— larrylark
figures!
anyone got a light?
— unknown
weird
— unknown
I am very impressed. This is an excellent poem with an original presentation.
Please tell me how long it took you to create and design this. I'd love to know about the creative process here. Amazing.
Grace
— borntodance
Awesome poem! Concretely stunning.
flauntingly, flamingly, proudly
— unknown
honestly, i thought i would get a royal pc bashing for this one... but, im really glad that you all enjoyed it... borntodance, this was a spur of the moment poem.. the formatting flowed as i wrote it.. about 10 minutes maybe? i hope that doesn't destroy what you originally thought about it.
thanks for the reads
- author -
— unknown
Ten minutes?!?!?! Arggggg! I am SO jealous. The content is great, so I can appreciate the concrete layout guiltlessly. This is wonderful. I just wish you could divulge your identity.
— borntodance
borntodance, i am flattered and rather embarrassed by your kind comments... i am not ready to reveal my identity though... at least not to everyone just yet...
- author -
— unknown
tiny nitpick: replace the ; at the end of line 33 with a simple ,
— borntodance
nice poem noody.
— unknown
I understand. No pressure, but really this is a stunning piece. I'll shut up now.
— borntodance
bornto, i see exactly what you mean with line 33, thanks... and thank you for your kind words, they mean a lot and i feel rather underserving of them.
unknown - who is noody?
- author -
— unknown
dunno. thought it was you.
anyway, real good work here mate.
— unknown
well, this is not noodleman if that was what you were implying.
and thank you, unknown
- author -
— unknown
Are you a teenaged girl who writes when she can?
— unknown
L28: 'Ethereal'.
Also, a few of the effects seem a bit...amateur. Not trying to put you down, but = signs could probably be replaced with something different and better. (8)
[Teo]
— teo_omega11
unknown - what?
teo, line 28 has been changed. the equals signs have a meaning though; i was trying to say that you equal yourself no matter which way you look at it.. your sould is your soul, you cant change that. but if that doesnt do, then any suggestions?
- author -
— unknown
i would make the centred part up to line 19 more to the right, to be more centred compared to the rest of the poem.
but, as in most poems like this, i can't be sure that you would like that, and what you have already was purposely just so.
— inutile
Hmm...that's the problem with critique. One can never be sure if one is asking for a change in the meaning of the poem inadvertently. If that's your intention, the flaws of this poem no longer exist. (10)
[Teo]
— teo_omega11
i think it's a very simple poem. the author obviously made the words fit the graphic desire.
— unknown
inutile, i myself thought of centering the whole thing.. but then for some reason opted not to, as it seemed too... forced? but thanks for the suggestion, i may just change it someday, im still undecided...
teo, thanks for coming back and re-evaluating.. i hope my explanation made sense... many thanks.
unknown, im not sure if what you're saying is a good thing or a bad thing.. but thanks for the read.
- author -
— unknown
jee, thanks for the 6, any comments at that?
— unknown
Commenting so I can find this again. At first glance, loving it.
x
— musicwords
musicwords, thanks for reading and commenting.
i'm playing around with the format a little, and changed a few things.. better?
- author -
— unknown
This hurts to read but i like it.
R
— Rousseau
im sorry i hurt you rousseau, but glad you liked it : )
- author -
— unknown
erm, why does one rating keep on changing??
— unknown
Cadbury!
thank you
— unknown
unknown - uhmm.... what?
— unknown
Even though I don't think I get it, it's pretty cool.
— unknown
You spent too much time on something that still doesn't catch my attention.
— lieskilllies
liesk, i spent about 10 minutes on this, probably less... if it's not your cup of tea, then it's not your cup of tea.. thanks for reading though.
- author -
— unknown
I think what he meant to say was that you spent time on something which didn't catch his attention, and therefore, it was a waste of valuable time that could have been used to get his attention. This guy is obviously the dark center of the universe (like the song) and if you are not working toward his approval you might as well not be working at all. I on the other hand liked this alot, but my jackass roommate who does nothing but surf the limited expanse of his computer realm when he returns from work, all while doing absolutely nothing more productive than talking to you for the most part, then kicks me off of the other computer because he wants to play guitar (even though just about everyone except me complains about it) just to eventually get back on the computer to complain about how much I am on the computer to you while he is on the computer, so I couldn't comment until now. Oh, and that wasn't a complaint it was a run-on sentence. Anyway back to the important part: you and your piece; I know I said it looked pretty cliche before, but now I see that it's alot better than most of the other B.S. around here which are just statements about obvious, easy to explain, common occurences written in an obvious way. It seems to me like you did the same thing, but wrote it using exceptional symbolism and styling which allows this poem to fit your personal deffinition; you made it unique and you made it yours. Specifically I really like L28, it reeminds me of a line from one of my poems, but as a whole this was a good read. Keep on keeping on. You don't know who this is!!!
~Anonymouse
P.S. I think I had a dream like this last night.
— Poor_Poet
pure shite content wise. pretty topography though.
— unknown
wow thats really good i like that alot
— idiotbox
very impressive
— linush
shrug
— unknown
I love the layout, very impressive :)
Are your other poems like this aswell?
— xerda
poor_poet - thanks, it means a lot getting a comment from someone such as yourself.. you're right, i guess this is pretty cliche, but i hope it doesnt seem that bad... the funny thing is, this is an *extremely* condensed version of a ficticious situation, which most people dont really understand unless i explain it to them.. but its personal interpretation in poetry that counts i guess... thank you very kindly for the read and (the exessively long) comment : ) haha, i am interested in what this dream of yours was really about... thanks again.
idiotbox - thanks for the adding to the favs, means a lot :]
linush - thank you as well
unknown - sorry i made you shrug?
xerda - you are too kind.. and yes, i would say that some of my other poems are like this as well.. this would be the most outrageous one i've done so far though... thanks for commenting.
- author -
— unknown
Just gave this one another read and put it on my favorites, just thought I'd let you know :) I'm sure you're on private for a reason, could you possibly link me to another of your poems? Am just curious because I really like your style.. if you wish to remain really anonymous I could give you my e-mail... eitherway, I still think this is superb. :)
— xerda
xerda, thank you ever so kindly, really... i think the easiest way would be email... that is, if you really want to know and such.... needless to say, i'm spoken for. thank you.
- author -
— unknown
xdramakingx@hotmail.com :) Many thanks.
— xerda
xerda, message is sent...
hm, seems to be a new rating.. any comments?
- author -
— unknown
I dreamt last night that you had completely altered this poem.
How bizarre.
x
— musicwords
musicwords, that is quite strange, i must say! may i ask how it was changed?
- author -
— unknown
Co0oOl, nice use of space, paint it on a drape and give it to your lover. V.Creative. but
l33-l34 are lame.
— crepaway
ha, sorry you thought the end lines were lame.. i have a feeling it is because they are probably cliché, but then again this story that i am telling is taken from two different viewpoints..
and sadly, i do not have a "lover", as you say.
thanks for the read.
— unknown
i liked them. they were probably my favourite part of the poem. they, at least, made sense to me, and asked a very profound question.
— inutile
It was an odd dream indeed, especially as I read this poem ages ago.
Well, you had changed it so that there were a maximum of two words on each line, so exactly the same words, but written in this boring and strange style.
I remember thinking you'd really fkd it up, but the people commenting loved it.
x
— musicwords
inutile - thanks for reading a appreciating..
musicwords - i assume you like it the way it is then? haha : )
— unknown
I sure do :)
You have no idea how long it took me to find this again. I forgot to add it to my favourites, and have just spent the last hour sifting through the 'list all poems' section to find it, before remembering your use of the word 'incandescent' to locate it!
Poetry is worth wasting time for.
x
— musicwords
awwww musicwords, i think you just made my day : ) thank you so much.
- author -
— unknown
very clever, and looks like it took a long time to make
— topop
well if you read the comments above, it actually took about 10mins, maybe a little less... unless that was a sarcastic remark? :s
- author -
— unknown
Only one thing troubles me though, dear unknown. This is so pedantic, but what the heck. Line 25 looks as though it is balancing on line 26 yes? Well, line 26 isn't quite in the centre and for some reason this really bothers me! Haha. Perhaps you could move line 26 just a smidgen to the left?
Who are you unknown? Do you have other poems? I would very much like to read them sometime, or to hear your thoughts on my own. Haha, I'm going to stop randomly commenting on this poem now but before I go, I'll rate you a 9.
x
— musicwords
haha... yes, line 25 is balancing on line 26, and i moved it over a few spaces, hope its ok now : )
yes, i have many other poems.. i tend to post a lot as unknown, about half the poems i've posted are as such. if you would like to know who i am, you can send me an email.... er, sorry its not displayed, so i guess i'd have to email you if its on your profile... if you want... i dont know, whatever you want i guess...
mw, thanks for coming back, again and again : )
- author -
— unknown
Haha, no problem. I hope I'm not getting annoying. Well, on my profile is my myspace address. If you have myspace, drop me a line and we can exchange addresses. I don't like citing mine randomly for all to see. If, for some strange reason, you don't have myspace (ie. you have a life) then... I'll have to re-think :)
x
— musicwords
musicwords, you are not annoying, not by any means : ) and hey! check your myspace :P
thanks for the rate too.
- author -
— unknown
just remember
"cool effects don't impress"
— nicolecote
- author - : this is brilliant! Got any more?
— Dahlia
cool
L34 plus title: priceless
— chuckles
Its amazing, throws standard poetry writing methods out of the windows to create something iconoclastic and cool. Good work!
— rainfall86
i suppose i have more.. kinda. check the other poems.
thanks for the comments.. sorry i've been so inactive.
— gears
clever, clever concrete poem.
The verbal content could be tweaked somewhat.
( no to soul + ethereal)
great
stuff
— banditfemme
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