| In Ashes
|
januarygirl
| I came here for constructive criticism but so far I've come up empty. Someone please help me out. Emphasis on "constructive" not criticism.
| It's not about blind devotion or walking in the dark. I am not acquainted with a set of rodents. | 1 |
My hands do not reach out for well placed walls | 2 |
nor do I snap open my way. | 3 |
| |
It is not about glasses colored and tainted | 4 |
with the hue of the flowers | 5 |
that lovers make their own. | 6 |
| |
It is about seeing what you shut your eyes to. | 7 |
| |
It is not about silencing the yelps | 8 |
that cry out in the aching shadows of a stagnant night or shutting out the whispers as they make their way through the brilliant light of the dawn. | 9 |
| |
It is about the sweet sound of the serenade between the intimate acquaintance of a pair. | 10 |
| |
You mock what you cannot comprehend. | 11 |
| |
You despise what you will not give credence to and you stew in the bitterness you secrete. | 12 |
| |
It is not about the sinner or the sin. | 13 |
| |
It is about the pitter patter and thump, the rise and the fall of skin and organ, muscle and sinew working as one, toward one. A goal to breathe and to live each day with renewed freedom. | 14 |
| |
It is about the pumping of fluid crimson that flows through each one of us, the lovers and the loved. The right and the would be wronged. | 15 |
The haters and the hated. | 16 |
| |
It is about the thread once woven tight now loosed at the seams and unraveling fast. | 17 |
| |
It is about what once stood strong now a crumbling heap. What once was white now painted yellow with cowardice, painted scarlet with panic, and burning black with fear. | 18 |
| |
I place my hands into the rubble and carry the soot upon my feet and ash above my brow and wonder if the intangible has burned with the cedars and wonder if anything can be saved. | 19 |
|
8 Feb 06 |
Rated 7.7 (8.5) by 5 users.
Active (5): 6, 7, 8, 8, 10
Inactive (11): 1, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10
(define the words in this poem)
(16 more poems by this author)
(6 users consider this poem a favorite)
|
Add A Comment:
|
Comments:
I really fail to have any suggestions, I like this piece just how it is
— unknown
I did read the entire piece and am touched by the intensity and truth. However -
What is set of rodents in line 2? Line 4 do you mean tainted or tinted? Big difference and tainted does not seem to fit the mood of that line.
Yelps in line 8 seems wrong. Could moans be better? Yelp sounds like a dog being kicked, which could be what you mean but that isn't what I got from this overall.
Line 12 - bile might be a better word than bitterness here. Secretions - we secrete bile, a substance that dissolves things and is bitter and you can stew in it, though you would not want to!
I find the rest just right.
— Isabelle5
I'm not going to let this disappear from the lastest read list, not until more people read it!
— Isabelle5
I'm sick because I wish I had written this excellent work myself. Unsurpassable.
— gingerdave
thanks everyone for your comments. this is more what i was hopinig for. now in addressing some of the issues. the rodents is an allusion to the three blind mice just a continuation of the blind theme. i should probably clean that up, clarify. I did mean tainted just because i feel like people let ideals blind them to truth. I'm not sure why I chose yelps your theory on the kicking of a dog is intriguing but moans may work better. I meant for the bitterness to read like bile or something acidic but I didn't want to be literal or maybe rather not so physiological (not sure if that makes sense anywhere but in my head).
Thanks again and keep em coming please.
gingerdave you are very kind. and Isabelle I want more people to read it also if for no other reason than to make it better.
— januarygirl
yelp and rodents...maybe to mice? otherwise, i love 14, 18 - i love the first line and am interested in what it means from the beginning. it is really great. really.
— stint
can it ever be saved romeo?
i read this and it's like a story and i wonder where i can grab the corner of the next page..lovely
sorry i can't give "constructive criticism" b/c i am a firm believer that poetry has no form ..just life and the first time it breathes is when the author puts his mind on paper
this is an extrodinary piece
ash
— ashthelost
ash thank you very much for your comment. stint i used rodents because i wanted a multi-syllabled word and if you're really nice i might tell you the meaning behind it.
— januarygirl
L1- maybe 'a set' not just set.
L2- perhaps put a comma at the end
The only other this is that because the lines are so long, it almost reads like a prose, not poetry. Maybe put some line breaks in there. I don't know if that would improve it or not. Anyway, all-in-all I loved this poem so much. (9) and favorite.
— fallinforyou
I like the overall piece but have to say, line 2 'set of rodents' sounds wrong, perhaps it should be 'sets of rodents' or 'a set of rodents'. line 4, 'tainted' could be right if bitterness is the mood but I agree with isabella in that 'tinted' seems better. 'bitterness' is perfect, I adore that line. Lastly the final line is exquisite.
— Thea
itt is supposed to be "a set of rodents" typo which i will fix. i still stand by tainted because it's the idea of something being compromised that i want to stand out not the image of something being colored. thanks for the input everyone.
— januarygirl
also not sure if anyone gets that by a set of rodents i'm referring to 3 blind mice.
— januarygirl
I got it. Nice little referance there.
— fallinforyou
reference*
— fallinforyou
stop whining, poet.
— unknown
i never whine and pleease stop being so profound--it makes my head hurt.
— januarygirl
i am really nice. but late. what does it mean?
— stint
oh we were doing so well. keep em coming.
— januarygirl
Wow, that's gorgeous. Now to mention what it looks like eveyrone else has. The rodents, i'll admit I didn't get it on the first read, but I got it on the second go over. How bout instead of "acquainted with a set of rodents" "acquainted with those three rodents"
to put the number in there and if they still don't get it, well they'll just have brush up on their childrens stories. I love "It is not about the sinner or the sin. / It is about the pitter patter and thump, the rise and the fall of skin and organ, muscle and sinew working as one" Simplly incredible line, great work. I Love it.
— likwidoxigen
"those three rodents" never considered that but you may be onto to something. that might just make it clearer. thanx.
— januarygirl
Fantastic, incredible, love it to bits, I'm green with envy. Keep em coming girl.
— marionette
fucking unbelievable piece.
— varun
PLEASE READ THIS BEAUTIFUL PIECE OF LITERATURE
— varun
Beautiful. 11 & 12 in one stanza maybe?
— Mai
“It's not about” sets up a preachy—and by the end, tedious—back and forth of what is and what isn’t. As no previous subject is given, the reader is lead to believe it is life.
Your words are intriguing, but I can’t get into the aforementioned tone. The presentation is another distraction:
the line breaks do not appear to be thought out, often just typing to the end of the page. I know this may be a stylistic thing, but it appears to be careless and un-crafted.
That’s likely what most publications would assume, unless you’re already a respected poet.
One way to change the tone would be to present this as how you see things, and let the reader say: Oh yes, I know exactly what this poet is saying.
Example:
My devotion is not blind—
not acquainted with a set of mice,
my hands don’t reach for well-placed walls,
nor do I snap open my way.
These glasses are not colored,
tainted with the hue of flowers
that lovers make their own.
As this has found its way to the Top Rated list, other readers must disagree with me. I do like your way with words. For some, that’s enough.
Respectfully,
— housepoppy
wow. i couldn't tell you how to improve it. "if it's not broke, don't fix it" i like the almost voice, acusatory at times and remorseful at others. or maybe it's just me...
— puddles
this is by far the BEST
extended cliche i have ever read in my entire life
— unknown
fascinating read. the timing is perfect. i like the images and the slow but steady rhythm. i was a little intimidated on first sighting, but first reading was very pleasant. it's peaceful but sad. it's tranquil.
— listen
I have no idea why this nonsensical collection of words is in the top rated.
However, that is not my concern.
I virtually lost interest after the first line, the analogy is nonsense.
Though there is nothing technically wrong in referring to a set of rodents, it merely meaning a group of rodents.
However, what does the term rodent imply it could be one of several hundred animals therefore, the analogy is meaningless.
I, by this time having totally lost interest in reading further.
You may have to look elsewhere for constructive comment.
Morchuis.
— Mor
Morchuis it always amazes me that some people criticise with such meaness. it seems unnecessary and counterproductive. anyway as far as the analogy being nonsense i think that it would make much more sense if you had actually read the piece with an open mind without judging it from the jump. i don't want to say exactly what it's about because what's the fun in that. also the rodents are by no means random and another group of animals could not be inserted in it's place you saying that means you didn't read the other comments, but i'm sure that is so below you.
— januarygirl
I'm forgetful so constructive as you asked
1) no line break between 6/7 as 7 is the point from the preceding lines and the break dilutes the meaning
2) Line 15 - drop crimson as the word was assassinated by inept pimple poets. Replace with:
It is about fluidity of blood flowing through us all, the lovers and the loved. The right and the would be wronged. 15
The haters and the hated.
see i hardly changed it and being too original with metaphor for blood is a waste of time here as the statement made is strong in its brevity.
Some real good prose here, good to see thoughts like these written strongly.
— Caducus
really nice poem,
i wonder though, why you haven't broken it down
and made it look pretty?
"set" of rodents is my only nit-pick.
=-)
— jenakajoffer
|
|
|