| Soft Nights and Hard Lies
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Isabelle5
| We whisper coarse secrets, | 1 |
I say the dirty words | 2 |
you need to hear | 3 |
to push you over some | 4 |
hidden inner edge. | 5 |
I keep my fantasies | 6 |
in my head, behind | 7 |
black boots and lace curtains, | 8 |
where they remain | 9 |
pristine but tantalizingly evil, | 10 |
for the times when | 11 |
your tongue fails me | 12 |
and all your moves | 13 |
are not the right moves. | 14 |
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I can take care of myself, | 15 |
but I pretend it all | 16 |
depends on you. | 17 |
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Your penis grows | 18 |
like Pinocchio’s nose | 19 |
with every lie I breathe. | 20 |
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10 Feb 06 |
Rated 8 (8.2) by 4 users.
Active (4): 9
Inactive (16): 2, 2, 6, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
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(248 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
I like this.I especially like lines 18-20. Well done!
— Saloumeh
Whammo!!!.. this is great... top stuff.
— gingerdave
harsh and truthful - good poem
— Mercedes
I changed from Unknown. I decided that if I was too chicken to put my name, I should not post it. (gulp)
— Isabelle5
the last stanzas is too blunt for me. but i really liked the rest of it.
— inutile
It's very blunt, very honest and actually, a good part of a woman's relationship with a man who does not always understand her needs. It was hard for me to write that bluntly but I think it's going to help me grow as a writer.
— Isabelle5
"It was hard for me to write that bluntly but I think it's going to help me grow as a writer."
you see, now i have been tainted, and when you use words such as "hard" and "grow", what am i supposed to think?
or maybe i was already dirty-minded before this came along. ;)
— inutile
Maybe you were just dirty minded! *.^
— Isabelle5
What is so offensive and blunt about the word penis, anyway? We see the F word, pussy, vagina and all the rest of the "bad" words here but penis is too raw?
I did get rid of it, changed it to manhood, which is much cleaner but really almost feminine in this poem. Too gentle.
— Isabelle5
Penis was good, Isabelle!
'Manhood' sounds like some silly penthouse forum quote.
If people give you a hard time about the word Penis,
they have no place reading a poem which addresses a subject
such as this (in my humble opinion). Geez.
By the way, though I am a blatant user of derogatory words which describe genitalia,
I like your poem ---for whatever that's worth ;-)
— Krttika
K is right. Manhood is ridiculous.
— unknown
Well then Penis it is and proudly so!
— Isabelle5
This is very very good indeed
— Scotty-Boy
oh, no, 'penis' wasn't what i was complaining about. it was just the mental image comparing it to 'Pinocchio's nose' that was somehwat disturbing.
i was going through an innocent stage. but it's over now.
this really is a good poem, isabelle.
— inutile
Wow.. Awesome. Really, really good. Thanks :)
— CervusWright
Inutile, I see now what you meant. I was thinking that some men are reverse Pinocchio's, in that the more lies you tell them, the bigger they think "certain" parts are! Stroke it requests generally begin with the verbal, which I completely understand.
I am still in my innocent stage! Don't ever lose it completely.
— Isabelle5
Finally. I was about to give up. Stumbled on this site an hour ago. Thanks. Now I can get back to work. It's not entirely hopeless. "When I think of you my dearie, I remember Darwin's theory."
— comcapco
ROFL @ the end. Honey, no...
No...
No.
-ramher
— unknown
Oh God, it's Isabelle. What is so disgusting about the word penis? Well not a whole lot except for the fact that it goes against everything that was written before it. You know, the poem's idea isn't that bad. The poem IS pretty bad, and the comparison of a penis to pinocchio's nose makes it even more laughable!
-ramher ( again )
— unknown
lol ramher. for once i agree with you.
— unknown
Again, I do not go for the Great American Poem, I prefer irony and a bit of sly humor thrown into the pot. Therefore, I feel the last line fits the rest of this beautifully.
Ramher, nice to see you come to visit!
— Isabelle5
I knew this was you before you even changed to your own moniker, IMC.
You can't hide it!!!
Rock on with your bad self. This is a great poem!
— aforbing
Yeah, you know, I'm not trying to rock the boat here. I'm just saying something like "excitement" would better fit... and let the reader make the connection, you know?
-rh
— unknown
I see. I was going for (do I need to explain this?) the idea that every lie makes the guy swell with pride or excitement or whatever, the way Pinocchio's nose grew when he told a lie. In this case, I lie, he changes. I wanted that connection of my dirty words to his excitement to come through.
— Isabelle5
Honestly, this is a terrible poem but very funny (9)
— unknown
I guess it's funny. Sex and the lies we tell are faintly amusing, I suppose.
— Isabelle5
I meant to add that it isn't a terrible poem. I remove all my terrible poems and either revise them or delete them.
YOU can think it's terrible but that's just one opinion.
— Isabelle5
Hahaha...
my life story.
— MissMay
NOT YOUR BEST
BUT ITS OK
ITS NOT OFTEN ONE SEES THE WORD PENIS IN A POEM
OF COURSE ITS NOT OFTEN ONE SEES A POEM ON A PENIS EITHER
MINE IS SO SMALL ALL I COULD FIT WAS PUNCTUATION
— noodleman
an exclamation mark, or a full stop?
— inutile
SOMEONE PUT A PERIOD ON IT AND IT WONT COME OFF
— noodleman
children, please stop playing under this poem!
— unknown
he started it. spoil the fun, why don't you.
fine, here:
dont like lines 13&14, too repetitive
remove comma from line 15
dont like "some" on line 4
change comma to semi-colon or full stop on line 1
change "white lacy" to "lacey" on line 8
end line 9 with a comma but only if you want to
— inutile
A stand up effort
You pull the strings on your puppet so well he's almost lifelike
Gippetto
— unknown
What is a stand up effort?
— unknown
The opposite of a flaccid effort?
— unknown
seriously?
— unknown
just a crit on poetic technique:
too many possessive pronouns. for such a short poem, it seems inundated with I's.
maybe change the period to a comma in l5 and use keeping instead of (I keep) in l6. deleting the second I in stanza 2 will also help.
— unknown
Ha ha, brilliant, made me laugh, the things us girls have to go through hey?
— marieF
Man, I hope I'm not dating you.
— lessgrey
isabelle i love the raw self sufficiency of this poem, esp since being a woman, most of it is v true! funny and cute
d
— unknown
Noodleman, it's so much fun to have you back on the playground. A period, indeed.
— Isabelle5
Soft Nights and Hard Lies
I whisper coarse secrets
The dirty words
Are hard to swallow
you need to hear them
to push you over some
hidden inner edge
I hold pieces
in my head
Fantasies
behind black boots,
white lace curtains
Where they stay hidden
pristine but tantalizingly evil
the times
your tongue fails me
While I pretend
All your moves
depend on you
Your penis grows
like Pinocchio’s nose
with every lie I breathe
I changed it up alittle bit to show you other ways to approach this, you have to seperate the I and Yous by breaking the stanza. this is the best way i could show what i mean. I hope you don't take this critique in bad way. I also changed the wording alittle bit to bring out the real essence of the moment you wrote this poem in. I tried to put myself there. Keep writing,this poem rings some truth that's way chose to spend time on it.
-m
— manishas
Thank you for showing me what you felt as you read this poem. I am happy with the way I conveyed this imaginary moment but I love the way other people can bring their own idea to life.
— Isabelle5
Funny and heartbreaking.
— Meep
sames the same from a guys point of veiw. Porn destroyed love. good poem.
— philoanon
I like it. However, I would consider possibly changing the word "moves" in line 14 to "ones" or something. Just because of the repetition between lines 13 and 14. Unless, of course, that was on purpose. :)
— kaze
moves echoes moves in line 13-14, but thank you so much for reading and having an opinion! imc
— Isabelle5
JW68, it doesn't matter what you think, as you have nothing posted anyway. When you become a writer, you can feel free to have an opinion. That's MY opinion.
— Isabelle5
I like this! I sort of wish the last stanza wasn't there (too direct), but i can understand the motive. Otherwise, loved.
— WordsAndMe
jw68- u suck. u want vulgar, i could show u vulgar...
this is by no means disgusting.
— WordsAndMe
Oh, bless the random poem feature! This poem is wonderful Isabelle. Absolutely wonderful.
— Maela
i love this. like someone said earlier, i'd remove "white" in line 8. but it's great regardless :)
— unknown
Okay, I don't really need white in line 8, just wanted the contrast to black boots but I guess lace does that. Thanks, everyone.
— Isabelle5
You at yr best, imho, Isabelle.
This really nails it, for mine I would go for the generic term
somethimg fond and familiar like "prick"
or is that just me?
— unknown
I wanted to keep some dignity. Prick is coarse and a bit ugly for this poem, I think. Thank you!
— Isabelle5
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