It all started at the school carnival in third grade.

The library was set up for musical chairs,

winners receiving chocolate cakes from the local grocery store.

 

Came down to Carrissa, a black folding chair and myself.

I'm sure it was only a few seconds, but it felt

like an hour when I jumped in the chair after the needle was

pulled from the record, she fell into in my lap -

 

"Yellow" is how I think of it to this day,

the way she smelled, her back against my chest.

A yellow candle flickering against a black wall while

sliding into a warm bath.

 

The end of my nose was flush with the fine blond hairs

running down the back of her neck.

She swung her head around to face me

her sandy blond pony tail slapped my face,

"Yellow" in my eyes, down the back of my throat.

 

"Your too fast". She smiled, playfully hitting me in the shoulder.

 

My hands shook while I watched her white shoes with the small

black ribbons disappear.

 

She left a long hair in the shape of an S

hanging over the knee of my khakis.

 

I folded it in half,

held it tightly in my fist.

//////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////////

 

 

I watched her on

the recces yard from

behind the piece of angled fence

lining the dugout of the softball field

 

in the distance

they twisted two jump ropes

in a way my eyes could not follow,

she spun circles inside the multicolored

ropes while the other girls called cadence

 

there was a blue ribbon in her hair

my fingers wrapped around the diamond shaped

holes of the fence

I squeezed my hands until the wire

left deep red grooves in my fingers

kicked a line in the dirt with the toe of my sneaker,

 

imagined what it would be like to tie the

ribbon in her hair

 

our winter coats lined

the hallways in a series

of open cubbies

 

I took a bathroom

pass, stuffed the note

in the right

sleeve of her coat

 

"if you like me

check yes, if not

check no

 

put this

behind the opaque projector in the library

 

Justin"

 

the opaque projector was

in the far corner of the

library, behind the shelf of

outdated encyclopedias

 

I looked there for

weeks and weeks