poetry critical : poem

Withdrawal (Detox cut short)

Craving	1
she called the police and convinced them	2
she was here against her will	3
she was here as a captive	4
she was here without control	5

only one of those three was right	6
and that caused the other two	7
to stumble from her mouth	8
like toddlers learning to	9
walk down stairs	10

i ran home in the rain	11
in my nice skirt	12
and lowcut shirt	13
that i had worn to work	14
for some et cetera dinner party	15
id now be late to	16

my bare feet burned holes	17
in the pavement, as i	18
held flipflops intertwined	19
through fingertips	20

i contemplated hitch hiking	21
every stranger driving past	22
gave me one less chance	23
of getting there	24
before she left	25

and when i finally arrived	26
i cant remember a word	27
the police said	28

i cant recall what	29
we managed in response	30

all i remember is watching her	31
with nervously flicking fingers	32
with pacing feet	33
with frantic feverish eyes	34
tattered hair and house shorts	35
now soaked from the rain	36

and how her eyes kept wandering	37
from the cop, to her car	38
"this is all i can do to make things right"	39
she stuttered under her breath	40
but all she had the strength to do	41
was make things more	42
wrong than before	43

5 Aug 03

Rated 8.5 (6.8) by 4 users.

Active (4): 6, 9, 9
Inactive (9): 3, 4, 5, 5, 6, 6, 8, 8, 9, 9

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Ananke
inutile

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Comments:

I had to read this several times (not because I didn't get it, but because I loved it). This was simply wonderful; I wouldn't change a thing. I particularly liked "my bare feet burned holes in the pavement" -such a fresh way to put it instead of the other way around. Hats off to you.
— Ananke

line 36...man, I know that feeling. good job.
— onklcrispy

great. you should be an editor for COPS and transform it into a beautiful show. i like the almost-rhymes, appropriate to the confusion.
— gnormal

I am right inside the racing heart of both the withdrawee and the one trying to keep her there. I like the last three lines since you realize that this person is in a circle she can't break.
— Isabelle5

Excellent first 2 stanzas - good dramatic structure - a little obvious at the end perhaps, maybe you don't need to spell out that which is obvious, but that may be being too fussy. Love the running back idea as well.
— susanna15

i was about to post a criticism, but then i realized that im a nitpicker, and that its great how it is. thank you for restoring my faith in coffeehouse. (you leave for a couple months, and everything goes to hell...)
— thinknerd

powerful- im not saying that because of the subject. The delivery was beautiful however distraught.
— treerain

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