poetry critical

online poetry workshop



first date.
minusthesky

our eyes
 1
are glued to the
 2
screen,  but our thoughts are glued
 3
to the spot where our elbows are
 4
touching.
 5

12 Feb 06

Rated 8 (8) by 1 users.
Active (1):
Inactive (5): 6, 7, 8, 8, 9, 9

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Comments:

I like. this is so simple, yet says all it needs to say. Nice.
R
 — Rousseau

reminds me of my early teen years.
Very cute.
Yet touching
nice job.
 — MissMay

and youve been a virgin for, how long?
 — TheO1dCrow

this is really nice, I like it. quiet and simple.
 — imahabit

i've read your other poems & i've decided i really love the way you provoke images.

everything's so simple, but so perfect.
 — yrrockstar

Really, really, like this too. It tells it like it is.

x
 — musicwords

Oh, cute!  I've been to that very spot!  Amazing how energized elbows can be!

Captured nicely.
 — Isabelle5

Can't fault this. It's excellent.
 — stateofmind

i dont understand the line breaks.

our eyes are glued
to the screen
(but our thoughts
are glued to the spot
where our elbows are
)(touching).

and you dont need to spell it out in the title at all!
(not sure what to call it, but spelling it out ruins it.)
got to go see your others now!
 — gnormal

i wonder and kodak moment gnorm. also good. on my list to comment on. but i often get distracted.

bet
 — unknown

Thats beaming.
 — Infrangible

The line breaks bother me.  If this was my poem (and I know it's not, so feel free to completely ignore me) I would break it something like this:

Our eyes
are glued to the screen,
but our thoughts
are glued to the spot
where our elbows are
touching.

Or something along those lines.  But then, I would also capitalize it and put a period at the end.
A nice capture of a moment we've all been through.
Cute job.
-Mary
 — fallinforyou

thats from a book i recently read.
 — cassettes

i enjoyed this poem a lot. made me think of high school ...once upon a time. haha
 — xtormentedx

Simple but so true.  Reminds me of middleschool "love."  I think the simplicity adds to your overall atmosphere in this peice.  Well done.
 — WordsAndMe

A wee gem of a poem. Well done! :)
 — unknown

:) i love it
 — psychofemale

um...this is from the book Stop Pretending by Sonya Sones...google it...readers i mean..i'm sure the author doesn't need to :/
 — unknown

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