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women in bars
slancho

their skirts plaid, un-
 1
ironed, absolute fit,
 2
twice up-
 3
rolled,
 4
no hats or heavy earrings,
 5
the shoes unpolished and
 6
too light for the season.
 7
wallets small and square:
 8
phone numbers and bobby pins
 9
in the coin jacket.  
 10
 
 
when you ask them a question,
 11
they draw their chests out and
 12
tuck their legs tight,
 13
coy mistresses,
 14
their heat dissolving
 15
 
 
like a dead bee on a table,
 16
flickering off
 17
into the perfect shape
 18
of an amber ring,
 19
its cold centre lowered,
 20
limbs slightly bent,
 21
fading
 22
into rubbed edges
 23
and melting ice.  
 24
 
 
women in bars, little
 25
girls before whom
 26
I kneel.
 27

12 Feb 06

Rated 9.5 (8.8) by 2 users.
Active (2): 9, 9, 10
Inactive (5): 8, 8, 8, 10

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Comments:

The stanza of Ls 19-28 seems like a metaphorical seizure. Any way those can connect better with the rest of the poem?
 — FangzOfFire

You caught me mid-edit
 — slancho

Are you a bee?
 — unknown

come on, guys, i am editing
 — slancho

I am bee, sometimes, I am
Ok, I edited, I wanted to make a parallel analogy between the dead bee and the women but I suppose it was not working so, I changed it.  Will revisit again in an hour.  Let me know what you think.
bzzzzzzz
maria
 — slancho

bzzzz.

i likeitalot.
 — unknown

bzzz back at you unknown
thank you
maria
 — slancho

yeah, it works. I like it.  I'm not sure about lines 16-18......could be left out in my o. .....but stanzas 1 and 3 as good as it gets....
 — ameryan

Line 3: Thrice?  ...I don't know fit-wise.

Line 8: Cut "their"?

Line 17: "of them" = "of those" ...I'm just being picky.  I kind of like it as "of them".

Lovely.  Lovely, lovely stuff.
 — mouse

thank you, ameryan and mouse, for the suggestions
I have incorporated the changes
Maria
 — slancho

Hey slancho

this is one cool poem .The woman are so closely observed its like you got inside their skin and if you did well good luck be with you sir.Thought the last part with the bee image was particularly arresting.
 — larrylark

thanks, larry, I am glad you liked it and especially the bee part, I wanted it to stand out somehow
you still in Preston?  
maria
 — slancho

What is the significance of line 16?

Meep
 — unknown

I've just read this very quickly and was stunned - firstly by the 'un- ' on line one which made me want to read more. It also includes 'plaid' one of my favourite words. The details are just fantastic in the first 10 lines and just when I was settling in, the allusion to 'these coy mistresses'  made me smile with delight and the conceit of the bee in the amber ring is exquisite. The painterly touch at the end of lines 23-25 explores the image in another dimension and makes the women real and unreal. The sensuality of the poetic declaration at the end blew mw away - this is fantastic.  
 — opal

mw is not my poetic co-reader, but mwoi or me if you prefer - maria you're in Lancaster? I thought you were in Canada or somewhere - send me an email!!
 — opal

thanks, opal, for your kind words and careful read
yours
Maria
 — slancho

I like a lot of things in this, the description of the bee is stunning. But I also liked how you managed the shift between the interior and exterior culminating with the lovely and vulnerable picture of the author I get from the last stanza- well done.
 — Tentative

thank you, tentative, for your kind words and for inviting me to read this poem as well.  I am glad you like the bee image, it has been problematic with some people thus far.
Yours kindly
Maria
 — slancho

nice poem maria.

v
 — unknown

thanks varun.  do write
maria
 — slancho

i have. for my own.
but now for critiques.
hope you are well.
 — varun

Love this until I get to the last verse, which I don't understand. Other than that it's really powerful, and so human.
 — bleach

That third stanza is so observant and sensory.
Beautiful work.
Now I need a drink, and a woman ;-)
 — Krttika

Thank you, bleach and krttika
the last verse - supposed to evoke standing at an altar
Krttika, I am glad you enjoyed the third stanza, it is my favorite as well indeed
Love to you both
Maria

Yes, a woman would be good ...
 — slancho

a sad song in de air
very nice poem
 — stout

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 — unknown

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