| I wonder if you liked the way I moved
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misspanda
| I | 1 |
wish I could channel all the fizzings of the fireflies tied up in my fingers and forehead and toes | 2 |
and elsewhere, | 3 |
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since I can't jump up on these library's tables and start dancing | 4 |
(even though that's exactly what I want to do.) | 5 |
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yes, so, maybe I'm overthinking and overanalyzing and dissecting and | 6 |
(just borderline) obsessing, | 7 |
lingering too ravenously on tiny, absurd, irrelevant details | 8 |
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but I like this. | 9 |
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and for two, whole days I've allowed the possibility you remember something other than how hot the room was | 10 |
the seven minutes we danced. | 11 |
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13 Feb 06 |
(define the words in this poem)
(28 more poems by this author)
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Comments:
I think you should delete 7-11, and add more feeling to how you feel about the person who makes you compose crappy poems, add more emotion dude! It's not a lost cause.
— starwars
hmm... changes.... you like?
and anything else anyone can think of to make this better?
thaaaanks... ;)
— unknown
I completely understand what you're saying here. But I think you could say it a lot better.
11 and 12 are very strong visually and emotionally.
I think more line breaks are needed. I think that's what it is.
— Tinkers
thank you tinkers
:)
i shall do my best.
— unknown
hmm anything else?
8)
— misspanda
that would be: this library's tables or these library tables can't be both
rather childish and pedestrian
— unknown
move the whole second line up, there is no need for
I
to be all by itself and so alone. (unless this is the point)
the poem doesnt need all the fancy italics and such, it stands by itself without them. it also makes me hesitate and stop for a second, and the poem has good flow without them. whoever said this was anything far from good is very much confused about what poetry is and what good poetry is about. I like fizzings of the fireflies but I am tending to think that fizzing is perhaps a confusing word seeing as how it does not seem to be a real word (though it probably is) and I would suggest fizzling possibly? I see the end result of a fissure of energy but I am confused as to how fizzings can make it so. perhaps L9 could be "love every second of this" so it does not come to such a bus crash abrupt ending when it should be more expansive? remove the comma after two in L10, but besides that this is strong.
the strongest part of this is L10-11, but the whole thing is well put together and inspires the thought process that one would be going through in this moment that you succinctly describe. good one on this.
Shelby
— ShelbyS
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