poetry critical

online poetry workshop



"maybe she's born with it maybe it's maybelline"
unknown

when she talked
 1
her neck would
 2
oscillate like a
 3
tired accordion,
 4
her face cinematic
 5
100 per cent
 6
wrinkle free,
 7
would shrink in the
 8
shower but
 9
leased to please,
 10
her teeth -
 11
halogen lamps
 12
to her industrial strength
 13
tan - she irradiated
 14
perfection and no sweat
 15
from her glands,
 16
angioedema lips
 17
not angie jolie,
 18
her palmlines
 19
were barcodes
 20
botox buttocks
 21
no crease.
 22
her granite breasts
 23
made every doorman
 24
swell and when
 25
she removed
 26
her panties
 27
she even had that
 28
new car smell
 29

14 Feb 06

Rated 9.7 (7.9) by 12 users.
Active (12): 4, 8, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10
Inactive (26): 1, 1, 1, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 7, 7, 7, 7, 8, 8, 8, 8, 9, 9, 9, 9, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10, 10

(define the words in this poem)

(15 users consider this poem a favorite)



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Comments:

Smirk.  Ohhh, truth.
I like it.
How about some expansion?
 — mouse

agreed i am working on it. i m still getting used to her smell.
 — unknown

Witty. I especially liked "irradiated perfection". Could be polished a lot, but the imperfectness contrasts nicely with the subject. Not a bad read.
 — wendz

ooh ah

oooooooooh ah

ooooooooooh ah ah

come on baby yah yah

nua nua in tua
 — unknown

wa wa goo gooo gaa gaa
 — unknown

Haha, this is funny.  I enjoyed it.
 — fallinforyou

travis loves moana
 — unknown

LOL PHUKINMAD LOVEIT
 — unknown

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  That last line is just a killer!
 — Isabelle5

Hmm, suspiciously like one of those Living Dolls that cost $1500 and up!  
 — Isabelle5

impertinent and pertinent.
 — unknown

yeah? yeah? you like it, you want it? ps moana loves pseudo travis more. Those better be colossal pieces of granite ur referring to. otherwise why bother?!
 — unknown

hahahahah amusin
 — unknown

wtf is this?  go home and play with your doll.
 — unknown

HaHaha.Yes sir. You write well.
 — gingerdave

OFFENSIVE FOR THE PENSIVE.
 — unknown

lol new car smell... funny
 — graceb

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAAH!!!
 — unknown

Absolutely excellent ,imaginative,well put together,smooth, and thats just the tart with the spare parts. Great poem,sooo LOL
 — larrylark

using the third person was is a big mistake!

Toni Contralto
 — unknown

LOL. i know who you are. we ll get you some boobs dont worry to go with those latex labia.
 — unknown

Lordy lordy ! despicably funny!
 — unknown

ewie
 — unknown

appalling!! well least she smells better than them sheeep.
 — unknown

let us love
let us love one another
brothas and sisters
and mother fukers

Shieze Vernazie
 — unknown

I've had pwastic suwgewy too, and it is no waughing mattew
 — unknown

i did not know your  post surgical vagina was replete with sponges of verbiage
 — unknown

and the oscar goes to transamerica


dolly parton
 — unknown

this is hilarious. 10 for making me spit coffe all over myself.
 — noodleman

smegma aint coffee
 — unknown

one mooooooore facelift and she'll have a beeeeeeard

glorious vanderbuilt
 — noodleman

Wonderful, it's good to find a poet here. I loved the images that you used in this piece. I'm not sure granite's appropriate though, I think of it as being very old and worn, which I'm not sure was the effect that you were aiming at. Also, the 'better smile than the Mona Lisa' is a cliche. Your first similie is the best.
 — TheDiogenes

where have all the poets gone?


sadi stick
 — unknown

thanks. i am working on make it a little more sharp. my doll not the poem.
 — unknown

So clever, so awesome, so true!  Amen.  Great job!  I love the "new car smell" of L31 and really...aren't our bodies truly vehicles anyway??? - Excellent poem!  "10".
 — starr

I read on someone elses poem that accordian is cliché. This can't be true?
 — unknown

lol this was excellent, killer last line, love it.
 — Ink_drinker

Nice.  I like the imagery and line-breaks.  I love lines fourteen and thirty-one.
 — boromir4121

um. Line breaks papi. Maybe some punctuation. I dunno. it could be way better, doesn't quite deserve the top rated spot.
 — unknown

i liked it. good.
 — OKcomputer

I think part of the top rate part is that it's FUNNY.  Damned hard to find humor here sometimes and when it hits, you have to reward it.
 — Isabelle5

this is not funny. i cannot help it if my vulva smells of a volvo.
 — unknown

hahah
 — unknown

British snobbery

-snuggy huggies
 — unknown

lol
 — unknown

Entertaining.
 — weed

fuc
 — unknown

new changes
 — unknown

maybe its plasticine
 — unknown

Fabulous!  Loved it.  I'm smiling.  Thanks :)
 — CervusWright

hahahah
 — unknown

hahahhah!!!
 — unknown

Really good.
 — K10

blimey. perslick.
 — bettalpha

HAHA
 — unknown

this is great fun, with underlying depths  
 — unknown

maybe its porcine
 — unknown

Lord Drool isn't Cool (any more)
 — unknown

never was
 — unknown

v bad
 — unknown

zz
 — unknown

  Happy Valentine to you too! What'ya gonna get her? "New Car" by CK???!!
 — JustineCH

I hate the new car smell. Smells stale. I guess this perfect girl has some problems. Crotch rot or a horrible infection. 9/10
 — Henry

hahaha
 — unknown

haha, very amusing work. granite breasts eh? welcoming, haha.

thanks for the read
 — steveroggenb

HAHAHAH love da endin
 — unknown

I think this should be banned.
The word 'born' offends me.
 — unknown

yeah, yeah, you're a champion of free speech, we're hypocrites, all that rag...

PC sees someone like you every couple of months, then you get distracted or fed up and move on

fischer-price revolutionaries
 — unknown

"Maybe she's born with it..maybe it's plastic surgery" was a line which made me laugh like hell from the Melbourne COmedy Festival some years ago. Does Maybelline have a double L? I wouldn't know, just a query.

I love "irradiated perfection", and that new car smell. This is funny because it is, but sad because it's real. Nice work man.
 — wendz

Witty. I especially liked "irradiated perfection". Could be polished a lot, but the imperfectness contrasts nicely with the subject. Not a bad read.
— wendz
 — unknown

makes me think of pam anderson.. and that's not a bad thing.. nice work!
 — majan

LOVE the last seven lines. LOVE.
 — Erowen

funny - observant - witty and true

nice modern piece
 — Mongrol

this is really funny. not immature. just simply amusing.
 — listen

loved it
 — humblebee

great humour and cynicism wrapped up in product perfection..

love it still very much
 — Mongrol

ooh, i like it very much indeed.
 — unknown

*snotty elite poet face*

funny funny funny. women & technology...perfect poetry stuff for 21st century...what suprised me though (and made me like it beyond my mean little chuckles) is the bitterness which somehow seeps through. very well done, that. props to the rhythm (sp?) and subtle rhyme and line length and...
well you get the point.
 — gem_grrrl

Love it
 — Pecquie

ahahahaha

i love this
 — gac

Didn't want to read this at at because of the title. Please change it.
 — unknown

nice poem
 — teddy

we will provide a plan to harness that stink

alan mulally
 — unknown

lemme just get into the bandwagon here.
: )
 — fractalcore

Love 23-29, funny.
 — stackpop

dedicated to nadya suleman


i give this an 8 and a 14
 — unknown

im not so sure you know what oscilate means
 — joshcoops

when you spell it right then i will tell you
 — unknown

wateva
 — unknown

Nicely rendered.  Love the ending.
 — sybarite

revolting
 — unknown

WHOT HOT.... i like this pc. of word stew
you worked out dAWG.
 — unknown

love the poem, it's genius,
but i think it deserves a better title.
 — collx

title is ok
 — unknown

funny
 — justagirlx3

Egg-sil-lent...I dig it.
 — JKWeb

this is great, i loved the last part
 — psychofemale

I always think of timoate when i read this.

Botox buttocks makes me giggle.
 — Quen

atroshus
 — unknown

how about 'her face kinetic, one hundred per-cent'...? i think that would let you let go of 'full of wrinkles', which is just banality in that word-spot. you've really got to get into, if you want to be a poet, losing your logical vision, and become the thing you're writing about -- be that one -- think: if i were this person, how would i see me watching her? but, that's short story stuff, still. what has to happen is you have to have a more direct contact with your feelings -- letting them all flood to the surface, so that you couldn't blame this or that defect, because you'd see it was all just you having to feel so much. so, the poem comes out of that experience. a blog chat comes out of anything less.
 — bmikebauer

New Car Smell Indeed
 — PaleHorse

LOl 10
 — unknown

Nice to see this one back--still love the ending.
 — sybarite

Yeh, love the ending too. :)
 — jenn

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 — rayjian

Haha 10  10
 — unknown

Damn, aren't grown-ups writing poetry any more?
 — unknown

Haha. This is so true. I'm half grinning now as I imagine this sort of silicone role model of many young children.

Nice :)
 — wintersun

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