Comments:
L7 holiday
poem isn't good. expand. 'shit' is so vulgar, it doesn't work. fix the line breaks. could be an interesting read.
— unknown
must eat your wubarb!
if you want some wobots
must eat your mow
if you want solme hecan
Pecans for Congweth
— unknown
its supposed to be vulgar. this is how my line breaks always are.
— bear
Hahahaha, that was awesome. line 5 'died' needs to be 'dyed' (when read, it will still have the same effect). I really like this. Short and to the point.
— TaylorC
Oh, oops..don't like the title so much. Can't think of a better title, maybe just "Happy Valentine's" or something. And now that I think about it, you should end on a couplet.
On Valentine's Day
my shit was the color of your heart.
that way the last line is really close to iambic pantameter (9 syllables and close, reads well as a last line).
— TaylorC
ill think about all that
— bear
The title dooms this poem instantly. I can see where you're going with this, but I think there are less profane ways of expressing it. Profanity in a poem is like a spice in your kitchen cabinet that you wouldn't necessarily use with all cuisines. It's something you might save for a special one and only use it sparingly to drive a certain point home. Here, it's like you're trying too hard to get the reader to feel you. Just let the poetry do that. You don't have to.
— starr
I think you should take "shit" out of the title; it ruins the punchline. I don't know about "this" in L7 either, you could change it to something a little less clumsy. But these are minima. Other than that, the poem is pretty damn good.
— septima_pica
|