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The doorbell suspect is the key
netskyIam

The other day the doorbell rang unexpectedly.
 1
No one's wanted here-- or so I thought
 2
until I learned the intruder was
 3
Larrissa's six year old blond boy:
 4
a bold, affectionate child whose light
 5
is twice as bright as sunshine.
 6
 
 
He and his family live upstate.
 7
 
 
"Mommy is next door
 8
to open up old Grandpaw's
 9
house we're all down here
 10
she says you have the
 11
key she forgot to bring her own."
 12
 
 
But that's not quite how this reeled out.
 13
The sequence will repeat again
 14
with some fleshings on the facts. First, The
 15
 
 
Doorbell.
 16
 
 
Challenging through solid wood,
 17
hear a distrusting adult's voice:
 18
"Who is there?"
 19
 
 
"It's Siggie!"
 20
 
 
The mahogany doorway gives way
 21
to the rush of a
 22
tow-head tackling this poet
 23
whom
 24
only he terms "Uncle"
 25
Reid, embraced above his humbled knees.
 26
 
 
"Mommy is next door
 27
to open up old Grandpaw's
 28
house we're all down here
 29
she says you have the
 30
key she forgot to bring her own."
 31
 
 
In retrospect
 32
I'll disagree.
 33
The doorbell suspect is our key.
 34
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
.
 35

Recitable, in the "California Stand UP School" of conversational-grade poetry.   It is experimental in voice and possibly novel in its conceit of form (the two forms of the telling).

21 Feb 06

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Comments:

revised- made more clear, less poetic.
footnote added. thanks for any takes/reactions at all.
-reid-
 — netskyIam

In L10, shouldn't there be a period after house?  (same with 29)  Or were you trying to make it sound like he talked in run-on sentences?
In L15 perhaps you should move First down to the next line, but maybe that would mess up the rythym or something, I don't know, it just seems awkward.

I like this a lot. There's not much more that I can say. You did a nice job.
-Mary
 — fallinforyou

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