| Reducing Matryoshka
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hobby
| Enveloping their dispersing bodies, | 1 |
a vanilla vignette fades through | 2 |
the migrant traces of a smoldering wick. | 3 |
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Liquid pollen tumbles from tearful | 4 |
poppies, settling unnoticed | 5 |
on his yielding neck. | 6 |
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His woodwind fingers whisper | 7 |
on her willowed hair | 8 |
with the fragility of newly spun silk. | 9 |
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Reducing for decades | 10 |
he, a Matryoshka, knows | 11 |
he is being dismantled by her unraveling. | 12 |
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He remains, ever decreasing, | 13 |
in deliberate search of | 14 |
black and white recollections. | 15 |
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Stifling and stale, she labors | 16 |
rasping gasps, until eventually | 17 |
the coals in her chest hiss | 18 |
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her distended lips befall his | 19 |
and with her last exhale, release their | 20 |
lifetime into the smoke. | 21 |
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His sulfur eyes fell silent | 22 |
knowing that her ending carried | 23 |
the weight of light. | 24 |
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22 Feb 06 |
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Comments:
Wonderfully sad
— unknown
this has to be poppy
— slancho
no, I was wrong, it is hobby, the other wonderfully dense poet
I like your poem.
I always thought of a Matryoshka in feminine, perhaps because of the ending (-a), I think this makes it even more interesting.
"she labors rasping gasps" - yes
"distended" - have not seen that word for a long time
line 2 - do you need a comma here?
line 22- maybe for consistency sake, you want present tense, "fall"
a lot of words beginning with soft "s" and with a "w" - this is even better read out loud. Wonderully sensate, moves slowly through the reader, the voice is strong and though this is very much a free verse, there is a consistent rhythm to this
thank you,
maria
— slancho
I really enjoyed this poem, if only I knew its author. The imagery is very nice, and a matryoska doll is such a good image and its concept... well I don't need to embellish, the poem does that very, very well. Very good.
— Vinny
yep, I second Vinny on this one
:-)
maria
— slancho
Maria,
Thank you for taking the time to visit this, always welcomed and appreciated.
The comma was left over from an edit, thanks for catching it.
You are indeed correct with your observation on the Matryoshka, they are normally associated with the feminine, in fact I believe the name translates or is derived from the Latin mother.
I opted for the past tense on the last stanza as I picture the scene as: her having passed away and there being a pause as the light fades with his closing eyes: because of the pause the actions are in the past and the narrator follows on.
Vinny,
Thank you for your extremely kind words and for tagging it a favorite – I’m very pleased you enjoyed it.
— hobby
I understand now, thank you for taking the time to engage my comment
always, wonderful writing, something to come back to on rainy evenings
Thank you
maria
— slancho
TWO BIG HAIRY DANGLERS
Testicles on TOAST
— unknown
No nits to pick. Sculpted poetry.
— borntodance
Thank you indeed.
— hobby
Intention and context make for eroticism, not the amount of exposed information, her unraveling and his dismantling appear to be intellectual rather than physical.
— unknown
a nice extract.
— Meep
beautifully flowing
nice rhythm
enjambements are perfectly natural
~nice work!
— sparrow
i like the first stanza best.. after that it gets a little dull to me. the ending is interesting though, so i'll give you that.
— unknown
Thannk you Meep & Sparrow, Unknown thank you also for your time in reading this and for your comments, I'm sorry you found the middle a little weak, however I am always open to suggestions for improvment.
— hobby
beautiful alliteration.
— inutile
good poem i enjoyed this a lot
— stout
Sadness that befalls us all. Love the imagery used we do shrink in spirit particularly as those we love slip from this form. touching work
— unknown
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